Sharing Time!

Women!

My wife and I had been walking around the corn maze for the last hour. Neither of us had said a word.

“I think we’re lost,” I said.

“Our marriage has effectively ended my independence and my dreams have died at your hand,” she said.

“I thought the point of going to this maze was to have fun,” I said and laughed.

“You’re not fun to be around and I hate you.”

Women!

Phrases I will not say on my date tonight

• “I sure am bilingual. Don’t tell me Klingon isn’t a real language.”
• “I lost my virginity to a whore in Paris. Sorry, a whore named Paris. Ok, I once pleasured myself to Paris Hilton’s sex tape. That counts, right?”
• “Ha. You’re funny! Actually, that’s me. I’m funny. No one else at this table is.”
• “I’m not saying I cry every time I hear a Smiths song, but…” *weeps uncontrollably*
• “Yeah, blogging is awesome.”

delbertshoopman:

YOU HAVE 3 MORE DAYS TO DONATE $10 OR AT THE VERY LEAST REBLOG THIS POST!!! LET’S PUSH JILLIAN OVER HER GOAL!!

servemyworldblog:

DONATE MONEY AND I’LL TATTOO WHATEVER ON ME!

I’m raising money for Third World orphanages. For every $10 you donate, your name gets entered into a drawing. Your name gets picked, you choose any tattoo for me to get. I get tattoo, kids get help, you get the glory of knowing there is a human out there with a tattoo of your face on it. Everyone’s happy. DONATE, read awful tattoo submissions and submit your own HERE!

* REBLOG - FOR EVERY REBLOG UP TO 3,000 MY DAD WILL DONATE $2 

GUILT TRIP ALERT: $10 will give a classroom of kids education for one day or buy you two drinks at Starbucks.

Though I don’t like donating money, reblogging or children, I think this is important.

The saddest rainbow I ever laid eyes on

A statue of Mr. Rogers was unveiled in Pittsburgh this week. The bronze sculpture, is 10 feet, 10 inches in height and weighs more than 7,000 pounds. Across the park from where it was unveiled, LeVar Burton sat on a bench and quietly constructed a sculpture of himself made out of aluminum foil and bubblegum, but no one noticed.

Of course.

My “going to Whole Foods” stories are akin to the cliche jokes stand-up comics tell about traveling and flying. I need to stop telling them. So last night I went to Whole Foods and parked my Zipcar* and there was another Zipcar two spaces away. There are only twelve in the entire town and two of them are at Whole Foods at 8 PM on a Thursday. Of course, right?

Then I’m walking around Whole Foods and they start playing DMB’s “Ants Marching” over the speakers and immediately half the place starts humming along. Of course, right?

So I’m buying BPA-free cans of organic beans, right? And then I thought about people who cannot afford BPA-free organic beans and I cried for them, but then I was like “namaste” and I put my hands up to my chest and I felt better. Of course, right?

*the local Zipcar equivalent

I love this company. I’ve been eating their microwaveable meals and soups since I was a wee, poor college student who couldn’t really afford to eat their products, but did so anyhow. So when I read this article about how BPA is in every can in the supermarket, I got a little annoyed, especially when I learned another natural foods company named Eden uses cans which do not contain it.

So I picked up the phone and called them. I spoke to a Customer Relations rep (i.e. an in-house PR person) and asked why Amy’s uses cans with BPA. I got the good news that they’re in the final stages of testing new cans without it and will be hopefully on the market in July. She spent seven minutes of her day explaining to me how they’ve been testing cans for a year, why they can’t use the cans Eden uses (anything with tomato in the can will corrode it due to natural acids found in tomatoes) and how seriously they take this issue.

It’s nice when companies do the right thing.

Monsters of Folk - Dear God (w/ The Roots)

Location, location, location

Ted Haggard, who was forced to resign from a megachurch he ran for relations with a male prostitute, is starting a new church in his living room.

Asked why he was having services in his living room, Haggard said, “Well, if we had services in my bedroom that’d be weird because that’s where I had sex with a male prostitute.”

I feel better

My boss is a Yankees fan. I am a Phillies fan. When the Yankees beat the Phillies in games earlier in the series, he would send me taunting text messages to which I could not reply in kind because, you know, he’s my boss.

Last night after their win, he didn’t send me anything. I thought that was nice of him to leave me alone. This morning I emailed him, “Congrats! They earned it.” Always a gracious man, he replied with, “I told you so.”

Since he does not read my blog, I’m going to reply here in this public forum with what I’d like to reply to him in an email:

Dear Boss,

Yes, you sure did tell me so. Now I’m going to tell you something: no one likes you.

Sincerely,

Lee

Pasty white dudes writing jokes while wearing satiric t-shirts

Great NY Times piece on The Onion writer’s room this morning. I’ve read a variation of this profile a million times. It never gets old, especially when there are quotes like this:

“That reminds me too much of ‘Man Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit of Hope He Didn’t Even Know He Still Had’ ” — a headline from 2000 — Todd Hanson, a story editor, said about “Man Surprised He Still Had Peg to Be Taken Down.””

Update: This came out a few days ago, but I missed it because I am old and slow.