True love
“Hey baby,” I said. “What’re you doing?”
“Umm, I’m having Valentine’s Day lunch with my boyfriend, asshole,” she said.
“Yeah, who the fuck are you?” the dude with a million muscles said.
“I’m Lee,” I said. “And I’m here to steal your girlfriend.”
They both laughed. I did not laugh. I knew I would be the one laughing soon!!!
“This is no joke. She’s caught my eye and now I will steal her from you.”
“With what?” he said, winking at his girlfriend. “Your big muscles, tough guy?”
That’s when the net I attached to the ceiling fell on top of her. No one was laughing then. Except for me. I was laughing.
“I’ve kidnapped you!” I said. “You’re my Valentine now! You will love me and no one else!”
I began clapping and crying at the same time, tears of joy pouring down my face as I finally felt the warm embrace of love surround me, erasing years and years of loneliness. This was the happiest I’d ever been.
And all it took was a $25 net and some tape to get it on the ceiling. Why hadn’t I done this sooner?!
“Bro, you have bested me,” he said, and bowed.
“I know,” I said.
The girl who was in my net began crying tears of happiness. Then she began to speak. Everyone in the restaurant shut up because they knew they were about to hear some big news.
“First when you put me in this net, I was like, ‘Oh Jesus, I’m trapped in a huge net and this psycho’s trying to abduct me.’ But then I felt the warmth of the net and thought about the time and effort you put into taping it to the ceiling, and now I feel nothing but love for you.”
“Wait, you love me? I think this is moving too fast,” I said.
“Huh?”
I knew what I had to do.
“Baby, I hate to do this to you on Valentine’s Day, but I think we have to break up.”
She began crying again, but this time they were SAD tears.
“WHY? WHY? WHY?”
“That’s the way the bough breaks, sugarcakes,” I said, coining a new phrase accidentally, but mostly on purpose.
February 13, 2012 at 3:45pm
5 notes
Dear Everyone,
No. No, I will not watch your stuff. You will gather up your laptop and your gym bag and you will take it into the bathroom like a goddamn adult.
Love,
Lee
February 12, 2012 at 10:27pm
8 notes
Guys, just got this news that will blow your mind. Adele was actually singing about this hamburger she didn’t have time to eat in “Someone Like You.” Makes the song even more sad, if you ask me. :(
Momma said knock you out
Dear Thirtysomething Moms Laughing Uproariously In This Diner,
I know this is your first time out without your newborn in three months, but your excitement and laughter over Mom Stuff while you eat an egg white omelet is cramping everyone else’s style. I know your kid can’t talk yet and your husband tunes you out when you talk about how yoga went today, but please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop fake laughing so loud. None of what you’re saying about your infant’s eating habits is remotely funny, let alone something that would cause your friends to slap the table and make your half-caf lattes rattle in their saucers.
Also, when your kids turn eight, they will hate you with the passion of a thousand fiery SONS. Now I’M fake laughing…and it feels glorious!!!!
Yours in Activia,
Lee
It’s actually closer to 2ft
I think I’m growing up, because tonight I hung out with some ladies who work for a condom company and was able to restrain myself by telling only one dick joke the entire evening. I’d like to share it with you.
“Do you guys have the capacity to create an extra, extra-large condom?” I asked. “Something like 5ft tall and super wide? I think it’d make a hilarious award for a contest.”
“No,” they said, smiling.
“Ok, because I’d be willing to serve as the mold for it.”
“Oh,” one of them said. “Like, we’d make a full body mold of you?”
“No,” I said. “Not of my body.”
GET IT? IT’S BECAUSE MY PENIS IS SIX FEET TALL!!!!
Subtext
Me: I've crafted this text for hours and it is so genius it will make you fall in love with me.
(three hours pass)
Her: I took three hours to reply to this. The only reason I replied at all is to let you know I received it and so you don't think I'm a cold bitch who ignores things. The only real feeling I have towards you is indifference.
Me: I'm sending you another text five seconds after you replied. This is the one you're really going to love.
Her: I'm not replying to this at all. I don't care if you think I'm a cold bitch at this point. These texts have to stop.
Me: Can't tell if you liked those last texts or if they never got to you because AT&T has such an unreliable network, so I'm going to wait at least three days before I text you anything else. This text doesn't count.
(ten minutes pass)
Me: Sorry about those other three texts. Those were shit. Here's the goods. Bet you didn't regret giving me your phone number after you read that!
Her: I hope your phone crashes and you lose my number.
Me: I really should impale myself on my phone at this point, but I'm going to try one last text chock full of bon mots. This is your last chance to recognize how much you love me and not that dude you're casually dating who is 6'4", drives a Ferrari, and probably is funnier than me without trying because everything anyone says in a Ferrari is automatically funny and charming.
Her: That was mildly funny. Gotta go, this tall dude wants me to give him another beej now, and I gotta warm up my jaw.
Me: Cool, I'll keep texting you genius-level hilarity for the next few months.
Anything*
“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”
- Marilyn Monroe
“Considering Marilyn Monroe’s relationships were with an athlete and the dude who wrote Death of a Salesman, apparently that doesn’t include sex.”
- amateur historian
Sometimes I take a picture of my dick using Instagram just to see what it would look like if my genitals time-traveled to 1945.
