Ain't no party like a bee party cuz a bee party interrupts baseball games
“A bee keeper was brought in to remove a chair containing a ballgirl’s jacket which had accumulated, according to Padres officials, a couple thousand bees.”
(via mlb.com)
I know reporters are supposed to write in an unbiased matter and not express surprise about how many bees are in a ballgirl’s jacket, but COME ON.
I’d write that sentence like this: “A bee keeper was brought in to remove a chair containing a ballgirl’s jacket which had accumulated, you’re never going to fucking believe this, A COUPLE THOUSAND GODDAMN BEES. Yes. You read that right. This ballgirl had her jacket on and then it’s like BLAM, BEE PARTY ALL UP IN HER SHIT. They don’t pay those girls enough. If she has a nice rack, I’d encourage her to work at Hooters. I mean, they tip well and the worse that can happen is some old dude grazes his hand on your ass. You know, as opposed to being SWARMED BY A THOUSAND FUCKING BEES.”
Nathan Rabin of the AV Club breaks down why The Lonely Island’s song “Santana DVX” is so gosh darn funny. I’ve listened to this song an embarrassing amount of times. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Tick tock.
I’m working so hard on this half-day that I should be given 4 additional hours of vacation time for cramming so much work into a 4 hour period. In fact, time just bent inside of itself and thus created a new form of measurement for time called tyme.
But seriously, isn’t it funny how time was invented by people and that half-days are pointless?
Next Jonas Brothers song: "I'm Tappin That Ass and My Two Bros Ain't"
Kevin Jonas [of the Jonas Brothers] surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa by showing up at her doorstep in New Jersey early Wednesday morning and dropping down to his knee to ask her to marry him.
(People via Vulture)
Please note that Kevin Jonas is a 21 year old virgin. Do you see how sad this is? His need to experience sexual pleasure is so great he’s willing TO GET MARRIED. At 21.
Oy.
This is very subtle discrimination against the blind and the bald.
Oh, he's magical alright
Years ago, I had an ex-girlfriend who didn’t mind if her dogs in the room when we were fucking. I was ok with that, even though I thought it was a little weird.
But my girlfriend now says she can’t even get off without Cats in the room. Yeah, it’s capitalized for a reason. She has to have a member of the Original Broadway Cast of Cats in full cat makeup watching us. It creeps me out.
She has multiple orgasms if I can get Mister Mistoffelees.
There's an important lesson here, kids. If at first you don't get arrested, drink, drink again.
Dude on bus: I just got out of county jail. I was in there for twelve days.
Dude next to him: Why?
Dude on bus: Had 12 open container tickets I never paid. I don't blame em for locking me up.
Fight or don't. It takes us all.
I’ve never been one to read any book that could possibly help me at my job. I didn’t even think this was one of those books. I just wanted to convince my friends and family to do possibly illegal things on my behalf. And this book has given me the tools. I am unstoppable now.
One thing that really struck me about the research conducted in the book is that changing one or two words in a request to someone can make a huge difference in the answer you get. Like, in some of the studies they conducted it made a 40-50% difference.
People are dumb.
Why not to be your "friends" with your parents on Netflix
I guess it was a shortsighted move to let my parents “friend” me on Netflix. Now they can see all the movies I rent. Here are the last five:
- Gran Torino (ok, totally normal)
- Secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal’s in it and she’s mainstream, so maybe they’ll overlook the fact that it’s super kinky)
- The Fucking List (a charming parody of the popular movie ‘The Bucket List’ starring Cock Nicholson and Morgan Hugeman as they bone their way through a senior citizens home; I’ll just convince them that it’s a comedy and that they don’t get comedies aimed at a younger generation)
- This Is Definitely a Porn and Not a Film, You’re Not Fooling Anyone, Jewboy 34: What You Watch When You Only Want to Watch Porn (ok, I’m having a hard time trying to explain that one away)
- A Home-Video Of Lee And His Ex-Girlfriend Fucking That Is Only Available Through Netflix (yes, I licensed a sex tape I made when I dated Karolina Kurkova; here’s a picture of us together that’s SFW)
1.
