February 2012
Subtext
Me: I've crafted this text for hours and it is so genius it will make you fall in love with me.
(three hours pass)
Her: I took three hours to reply to this. The only reason I replied at all is to let you know I received it and so you don't think I'm a cold bitch who ignores things. The only real feeling I have towards you is indifference.
Me: I'm sending you another text five seconds after you replied. This is the one you're really going to love.
Her: I'm not replying to this at all. I don't care if you think I'm a cold bitch at this point. These texts have to stop.
Me: Can't tell if you liked those last texts or if they never got to you because AT&T has such an unreliable network, so I'm going to wait at least three days before I text you anything else. This text doesn't count.
(ten minutes pass)
Me: Sorry about those other three texts. Those were shit. Here's the goods. Bet you didn't regret giving me your phone number after you read that!
Her: I hope your phone crashes and you lose my number.
Me: I really should impale myself on my phone at this point, but I'm going to try one last text chock full of bon mots. This is your last chance to recognize how much you love me and not that dude you're casually dating who is 6'4", drives a Ferrari, and probably is funnier than me without trying because everything anyone says in a Ferrari is automatically funny and charming.
Her: That was mildly funny. Gotta go, this tall dude wants me to give him another beej now, and I gotta warm up my jaw.
Me: Cool, I'll keep texting you genius-level hilarity for the next few months.
Anything*
“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”
- Marilyn Monroe
“Considering Marilyn Monroe’s relationships were with an athlete and the dude who wrote Death of a Salesman, apparently that doesn’t include sex.”
- amateur historian
Sometimes I take a picture of my dick using Instagram just to see what it would look like if my genitals time-traveled to 1945.
NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — An outbreak of herpes struck the entire New York Giants team after all the players kissed the Lombardi Trophy. It is unknown if all the players already had herpes before they kissed the trophy.
Super Bowl party!
Having a Super Bowl party this year. It’s the same as always: me, alone in my home, drinking cans of expired Four Loko, eating buckets of fried chicken from Kennedy Fried Chicken that I’ve airlifted in overnight from one of New York City’s poorest neighborhoods, watching NBC’s hours of pre-game coverage featuring the stars of NBC’s newest shows that no one will ever...
Now THAT'S a deal
NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — Tumblr, Inc. has announced today that for one dollar, users can promote their posts on the social media giant. For two dollars, they can promote two posts with a variety of branded signifiers. And for three dollars, Tumblr founder David Karp will visit a users home within the continental US and give them a short, intense backrub.
I’m glad dudes send me emails with that pompous “Sent from my iPad” signature at the bottom, because it lets me know that they enjoy sending correspondence sans pants from their bed while their girlfriends lay next to them and pretend to read a Margaret Atwood novel, though she’s really just wondering if she’s remembering right that the last time they had sex was over...
1 tag
January 2012
1 tag
Magic!
I’m on an Amtrak train with free WiFi. In the pantheon of cool places to have WiFi, it’s not as cool as having WiFi on a plane, but it’s much cooler than being forced to stare out the window of an Amtrak train and seeing New Jersey.
There’s a businessman in his mid-60s sitting next to me typing on an HP laptop with a screen so large it was once used as the Jumbotron in...
SCENE: An airplane. Every third passenger seems to be coughing.
Me (to the guy next to me): Sure does sound like a ca-cough-ony!
Everyone in my row: *deafening silence*
But not weird enough that I won't do it again
I prefer no strings attached sex because otherwise you get all tangled up in the puppet wires and it gets weird really quickly.
My new blog: A Cupcake A Day!!!!
Hey ladies! It’s me, Gillian. Today I’m starting a new blog called “A Cupcake A Day” and I wanted to tell you a little about it.
WHAT MY NEW BLOG WILL BE ABOUT:
Umm, cupcakes! Every FUCKING day!
Feminism!
Just kidding, it’s mostly just photos of cupcakes I see online and am like, OM NOM NOM NOM NOM. LOLZZZZZ!
WHAT MY NEW BLOG WILL NOT BE ABOUT:
John.
...
Talk to me like an adult
I love the way parents talk to their younger kids in that sing-songy way that’s not at all condescending or annoying. Besides, that voice surely helps the children understand. I only wish parents would continue to use that voice once their kids are older.
“Did you get her pregnant? That’s right! Pregnant! You know what that means, don’t you, my little snuggle...
Portrait of the artist as an old, old man
SCENE: Nursing home in the year 2070.
Nurse: Hi Lee. Got any big plans today? Want to walk around the building with me?
Me: Nope. I'm sittin' today.
Nurse: That's what you did yesterday.
Me: I know. But this is what I want to do with my golden years. Sit.
Nurse: You sure? We could go up in the flying car for a bit. We could play against each other with the Nintendos embedded in our brains. We could teleport to Spain and have a glass of wine.
Me: I like sittin'. It's what I'm good at. I'm just gonna sit here and let the memories of my life wash over me.
Nurse: Ahh. What memories are you thinking about?
Me: That time I had a good sit back in 2012. There damn near was never a better sit had in m'life. I miss that sit.
Nurse: Ok, well, if you want to do anything, you tell me, ok?
Me: I'm sure I won't. Not unless it involves sittin'.
Nurse: You know what? I'm going to have a sit with you!
Me: Please leave. You're ruining m'sit.
Maybe try ADT instead?
SCENE: On my couch. Night. Comfortably entwined with her.
Her: This is nice.
Me: Yep.
Her: I feel safe in your arms.
Me: It's a false security. My arms can't protect you from the cold hand of death.
Her: I think I'm going to go home.
Me: You should stay.
Her: Why? Isn't death going to get me anyways? What's the point?
Me: Your midsection is more comfortable than a pillow.
Her: Yeah, I'm leaving.
Me: Can you take the trash on your way out?
Big bag, extra-large dork
Hypothesis: The larger the backpack, the bigger the dork.
Sample: The high schoolers at this bus stop.
Conclusion: Hypothesis seems to be true based on the small sample size.
Examples…
Tall, lanky kid smoking a cigarette and wearing construction boots: tiny bag on his back, likely used to transport small amounts of marijuana and an iPad filled exclusively with adult movies. Has never...
Death by pleasure
It’s amazing how things can change in an instant.
Last night I was eating dinner at home, watching a basketball game, when 85 mile per hour wind gusts began to make the satellite dish on my balcony shake. This was nothing new. My dish is anchored by two cinder blocks. It’s not going anywhere, I thought.
A minute later it was anchored by nothing. It was now flying around my balcony....
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
Me: It was really windy here last night.
Her: How windy was it?
Me: Really windy. Like 90 mph.
Her: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me a joke there.
Me: I'm not all jokes. I have some substance.
Her: I can't think of a single example of that.
Me: That one time I went to the library and checked out that book about science.
Her: You mean, "The Science of Gettin' Laid" by Dr. A. Hugedong M.D.?
Me: He's an established medical doctor at the Institute for Aw Yeah Son Do It.
Her: Right. And how'd that book work for you?
Me: I learned a lot. Did you know that a woman's labia can double as shelter for a family of four in cases of high winds?
Her: That must've come in handy for you last night.
Me: It did! I asked a woman to shelter me.
Her: How'd that turn out?
Me: Yeah, this cop's giving me shit about running out of time. Can you come bail me out? I'm downtown at the station, and I think it's only a matter of time before people start to realize I have no power and am not actually Michael Bloomberg's younger brother Moneystein Bloomberg.
*click*
Me: Baby?
How I imagine the party my company is throwing in...
I walk into the dimly lit bar wearing my coolest clothes I definitely didn’t steal from T.J. Maxx. Everyone is holding martinis in their hand.
“Hi Lee!” everyone exclaims at the same time, with all the pretty girls saying it just a little bit louder to show how sexually excited they are to see me.
“Hi everyone!” I say, and slyly wink at all the pretty girls, but to...
Never eat out
Me: I'm running early to dinner, so I'm going to get us a table when I get there.
Her: No need. I reserved us a table. I Opentable'd that shit.
Me: Great. I'm going to sit at that table and wait for you.
Her: No you're not.
Me: I'm not what?
Her: Sitting at the table before I get there.
Me: Umm, why not?
Her: Because we're eating together. You're not going to figure out what you want before I get there. Neither of us has been there, and I thought we were going to experience it together...
Me: We are going to go through it together. Our souls will be entwined over a cheese plate, baby.
Her: No. They won't be.
Me: It doesn't matter that I already looked at the menu online.
Her: Why?!
Me: I've looked at every menu in this town to decide what I'd want to eat if I got the chance.
Her: Jesus, you take the fun out of everything.
Me: I like being prepared.
Her: That's like asking someone to play Scrabble and then pre-filling out your part of the board.
Me: Like I'd ever play Scrabble with you again. Last time you kept asking me if "tainthead" was an allowed word, and then pointed at my head repeatedly.
Her: It's pronounced tainth-ead. Sounds like english from the olden days to me.
Serious issues
I hear my phone ring. I pick it up.
Me: Yes?
Capital One Account Fraud Rep: Yes, am I speaking to the Capital One accountholder at this number?
Me: Yes.
COAFR: Sir, have you noticed any fraudulent activity on your account?
Me: No, I don't believe so.
COAFR: Did you not change your password seven times today, sir?
Me: Oh, yes, that was me.
COAFR: Can I ask why you did that?
Me: No one emails me anymore.
COAFR: I'm sorry?
Me: If it weren't for your emails, no one would email me at all.
COAFR: I see.
Me: I'm lonely. I eat all my meals alone. I watch TV alone. I bathe alone.
COAFR: You bathe alone?
Me: Yeah, don't people who aren't lonely bathe with other people?
COAFR: I don't know how to reply to that. Do you not have friends?
Me: I bought a second iPhone so I could play Words With Friends against myself.
COAFR: Wow. Ok, back to this email issue.
Me: Look, I know when I reply that it's to an unmonitored account, so it feels good to write what's on my mind. Those "Your Password Has Been Changed" emails are much cheaper than therapy.
COAFR: Sir, our Change Password feature cannot be abused like that. I ask that you please not change your password so frequently for the sole purpose of the email you receive in return.
Me: I haven't had sex in seven years.
COAFR: Ok, we'll make an exception for you, sir.
Me: I really like talking to you! By the way, those commercials you have with Jimmy Fallon are hilarious!
*click*
Me: Are you there?
*dialtone*
Me: Anyways, Alec Baldwin is funny in them too. You should hire the rest of NBC's lineup to do your commercials. Have you considered hiring The Voice from NBC's The Voice?
A surefire way to make everything you're saying...
“Bro, I have a dream that one day this nation will bro out and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We bro these bros to be self-evident, that all bros are created equal.” - Martin Luther King Jr. Bro
“Bro, every science has for its basis a system of principles as fixed and unalterable as those by which the broniverse is regulated and governed. Bros cannot make...
One sentence story time
This one time I was making lunch and singing that James Blunt song, “You’re Beautiful” around my apartment, and the girl who had slept over the night before thought I was singing to her, but I wasn’t, so I told her I sometimes sing that song to sandwiches.
Kiss me.
SCENE: sitting on my couch in my apartment, 7pm
Me: I really want to kiss you.
Her: It's probably best you didn't.
Me: Why? Why else would you have come up to my apartment if you didn't want me to make a move on you?
Her: Oh, I heard you had HBO.
Me: You heard?
Her: Well, you mentioned it at dinner. You said, "I have HBO." Then you asked me if I was impressed. I wasn't, but I do love True Blood, so I thought maybe I could catch up on last season.
Me: Didn't you think that coming here might give me the wrong idea?
Her: I didn't really think about it.
Me: Ok, this pains me to say, but for some reason I still want to kiss you.
Her: Yeah, I'm much better looking than you. That makes sense.
Me: But you still won't kiss me?
Her: If you'll shut up so I can watch these vampires fuck, I'll think about it.
(Silence for three uninterrupted hours of True Blood episodes.)
Me: Can I kiss you now?
Her: Sure.
Me: Ok, I'm going to use my tongue.
Her: Gross. Look, I can't do this.
Me: You just made me watch three hours of True Blood!
Her: Fine, just kiss me on the cheek.
I kiss her on the cheek.
Her: For some reason that felt creepier.
Me: I still used my tongue.
Suitbro
A suit-wearin’ bro is sitting at the bar. I’m taking a photo of a drink here for work. He just tried to impress the bartender by telling her that people have been drinking for 10,000 years.
When she failed to be moved by this bit of information, he shifted his focus and trained his eyes on me.
“So what’re you here taking photos of? You one of those...
“Sick cankles, bro!”
– the strangest thing a heterosexual man can shout to another heterosexual man from across the street
If I were Paul Simon
If I were Paul Simon, I’d walk down the street, and every time I went by a lamppost, I’d loudly declare, “Hello lamppost! Whatcha knowin’?”
When the lamppost didn’t answer, I’d frown and say to myself, “All is not groovy. All is very not groovy.”
When Jay-Z had a kid...
…he wrote her a song. That’s an extremely sweet gesture.
Here are a list of things I did for my children shortly after they were born. I’m pretty sure I’m a better dad than Hova could ever be.
Baby #1: Asked the mom if she was sure it was mine. When she confirmed it was, openly weeped in front of the baby boy.
Baby #2: Bought a cigar, realized I hated them. Tried to see...
Everyone at Tom Petty show looks like Tom Petty
The first line in my new Jewish erotic fiction...
“She had the body of a Jew who worked on the pyramids and the nose of an actual pyramid.”
Froyo
I don’t particularly like having screaming matches inside of a TCBY, but this was unavoidable.
“This is so the country’s best yogurt,” I said convincingly. She was having none of it.
“It isn’t Red Mango. I asked if we could go to Red Mango.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it tastes better,” she replied.
“Right. And what did I...
Reviews I wrote for the new Sherlock Holmes movie...
“This new Sherlock Holmes pisses on the grave of the first one! Bafflingly delicious!”
“SHERLOCK? MORE LIKE SURECOCK JOHN HOLMES because this new one fucks the first one in its stupid behind! Bangarang!”
“I don’t know, I thought it was ok. JUST PLAYING, THIS SEQUEL IS ROBERT DOWNEY…it’s fresh out the dryer! Bully on the second Sherlock!!!”
...
Going through the motions
She slept with me, but her heart wasn’t in it.
I could tell she was going through the motions. There was no joy. If there would’ve been a timeclock above my bed, she would’ve punched it, and then placed her metal lunchbox and hardhat off to the side.
Afterwards, I asked her why she even bothered to fuck me.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I felt like I had...
A snippet of conversation from a date I went on...
Me: Tell me about yourself.
Her: Well, I'm a single mom.
Me: Oh. Really? You didn't mention that earlier.
Her: Yeah, didn't think it was that important.
Me: You didn't think the fact that you have a kid was important to mention?
Her: Two.
Me: Oh.
Her: Yeah, whatever. I don't see them very often.
Me: That's too bad. They're staying with their dad?
Her: No, they're with me. I just don't like spending time with them. I spend a lot of money on babysitters.
Me: I get that. Well, I'm flattered you got them one for our date tonight!
Her: Actually, they're waiting for me in the bathroom.
Little girl walks up to me.
Her: That's one of mine. (to girl) GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM!
Little Girl: I'm hungry. Are you my dad?
Me: No. Take some bread from our table, honey.
Her (slaps bread out of girl's hand): Remember baby, bread's for fatties.
Me: Umm...
Her: She's on a cleanse.
Little Girl: I'm always hungry.
Me: I gotta go.
1 tag
Adele songs of the future
Adele’s first album is called 19, and is based around her experiences at age 19. Her latest album, 21, is much of the same.
Here are song titles from her forthcoming album (released in the 2060s) called 72:
“I Really Had It Good In The 2010s Before The Robots Took Over”
“Where Are My Keys?”
“Where Are My Keys? (Pt 2)”
“Oh, They’re In My...
I could not oblige
For lunch today, I ate an amazing vegan hot dog (hear me out, this sentence is about to get better) topped with wasabi aioli, caramelized apples, and smoked cheddar. It was so delicious that I thought to myself, “You know, Denver isn’t such a bad town, after all.”
Then I stepped outside and a pigeon landed ON MY SHOULDER.
“What the fuck, pigeon?” I screamed.
And I...
2012 is off to a great start
So I woke up in the drunk tank this morning.
Here’s what I remember from last night’s party: I cracked open a beer and started requesting all the Justin Bieber songs I knew to the DJ. I also remember being super popular at the party, per usual. “How do you know so many Bieber songs off the top of your head, Lee?” all the hottest girls at the party asked me. “I...
December 2011
IT'S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!!
Subject: IT’S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!! To: Homegurl 1, Homegurl 2, Homegurl 3, Homegurl 4
LADIEZZZZZ!!! I don’t normally email all of you all at once, but y’all are my BFFs and I want to make sure to keep you in the loop on this shiz (LUV U GUISE). But I’ve got big news: I’m DOING MY FIRST JUICE CLEANSE THIS WEEK!!!! Yes, it’s also the week that Charles is...
Sad news
Katy Perry filed for divorce today. I haven’t been this upset since Zooey Deschanel filed for divorce.
Unreleased Chelsea Handler books
Drunk Slut (That’s Me!)
America Is Not Sick Of Me Yet So Here’s Another Book I Wrote
Drunk Whore (Me Again!)
I’ve Fucked A Lot Of People (Here Is A List Of Their Names)
Jokes That Were Not Good Enough For My Stand-Up Routine
I Have A Show On E! And Therefore I Was Asked To Write A Book
Fucking Dudes And Getting Wasted: The Book