May 2012
Mnemonic devices
Her: So how many people have you slept with?
Me: I'm not telling.
Her: Just tell me. I don't care. It's not even a big deal.
Me: I don't like to brag, but I stopped counting somewhere between the time I started boning that hole in the ground and the pillow on my bed I named Mila Kunis.
Her: Ok, aside from that hole in the ground and the pillow, how many people have you slept with?
Me: Oh, no one.
Her: We've slept together though. So you've slept with one person. I'm not making fun of you, I think it's cute.
Me: Does what we do even qualify as sex? My friends told me if I cry afterwards it negates the sexual act.
Her: That's not true. You're just very sensitive.
Me: I think about dolphins in nets and it makes me sad.
Her: I know. You talk a lot about dolphins.
Me: How many people have you slept with?
Her: Guys or girls?
Me: Both.
Her: C'mere, I'll tell you.
She whispers in my ear.
Me: That's a lot of people. I can't even count up to 483. How do you keep track of everyone?
Her: A mnemonic device.
Me: Explain.
Her: I take the first letter of every guy or girl's name I've slept with and create a mnemonic device. Here's the one I use to remember everyone's name: "thisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevicethisisamnemonicdevice."
Me: Wow.
Her: Yeah, it's pretty simple. I only sleep with people who have the first name as the next letter in the phrase, "This is a mnemonic device."
Me: You're clever.
Her: Thanks!
Me: Wait, my name is Lee. And I don't see an L in that phrase.
Her: What we do isn't really sex, since you cry afterwards and all.
Me: I fucking knew it!
The Pizza Shop
The owner of a pizza shop I just wrote an article about saw me about to order food at the counter, and told his his employee, “He’s a reporter. You give him whatever he wants. It’s on me.”
Then he winked at me, which was unexpected. I definitely picked up what he was throwin’ down.
“Thanks, man,” I said to him.
“What can I get you?” the...
Life choices
Her: What are you even doing with your life?
Me: Well, I'm thinking about becoming a model.
Her: Jesus, that's the most obnoxious thing you've ever said.
Me: I'm thinking about becoming a model who does acting gigs on the side.
Her: I stand corrected.
Me: I'm going to go to law school, but in my spare time I'll do a little bit of modeling for an online men's boutique that only sells vegan pants, and I'm doing some acting on the side by appearing my friend's comedy sketches on YouTube.
Her: I wish I never would've married you.
Me: These pants are 100% vegan leather.
Her: I'm calling my lawyer to get the divorce papers.
Me: Can you hold that thought for a few years until I graduate? I wanna write up my own divorce papers.
WatchBecause I’m too mentally exhausted these days to write anything funny, here’s a video of me shooting machine guns.
1 tag
WatchThis is a video of me pretending to be a car salesman, but for hot dogs. My job paid me to make this. I have a weird job.
Describing this video to you won’t help it make more sense. You should just watch it. It’s pretty funny.
1 tag
“He sounds happiest over the neon power pop of ‘Heavy Metal Drummer,’...”
– this write-up of one of my favorite albums of all time pretty much nails it
“There’s the shield of time to mute real feeling; nostalgia works as distortion…” Can this guy be my therapist?
I would like to hang this joke on my refrigerator
I wrote a joke for work the other day that I enjoyed so much I want to share it with you. Please note: this will not be funny if you’re not familiar with Boulder, Colorado.
“The store’s overstocked with climbing gear so as to be ‘tailored for the Boulder market’ (who are unsurprisingly passionate about a sport where they can literally look down on...
There aren't enough lifetimes left
When I die, I want my coffin to have a TV in it that plays all the movies I never got to watch from my Netflix queue.
Keep love alive
SCENE: 4am, my bed
Me: Are you awake?
Her: I am now.
Me: I can't sleep.
Her: I'm sorry. Here's the thing: I can sleep. So I'm going back to bed.
Me: No! One thing!
Her: What?
Me: Do you love me?
Her: Why are you asking me this now?
Me: Because I need to know. Do you love me?
Her: I don't know, we haven't been together that long.
Me: You don't know? So you COULD love me, but it's just too early to tell?
Her: Yeah, something like that.
Me: Oh weird, your phone's vibrating.
Her: Are you sending me a text?
Me: I don't know what you're referring to.
Her: The text is from you, and it says, "Because I love YOU!"
Me: WEIRD!
Her: Hmm.
Me: What?
Her: I just got a text from Charlie.
Me: Charlie? Your ex-boyfriend Charlie?
Her: Yeah, he wants to get back together. I gotta run.
Me: It's 4 in the morning! *pause* I guess Charles IS in charge of our days and our nights.
Her: I won't say that this is the reason I'm leaving you, but I will say it's one of them.
April 2012
On cheating
Me: I got you flowers!
Her: Why?
Me: Because they're pretty. And I think you're pretty.
Her: Oh Jesus. You fucked someone while you were in LA! You cheated on me, huh? Is that what happened?
Me: I did not!
Her: You totally did. You NEVER get me flowers. I think the last time you bought me some was when I took your virginity last year. I believe you said, "You deserve these flowers for deflowering me" and then started to cry.
Me: Whatever. It wasn't my finest moment.
Her: You cried for about an hour.
Me: Moment, moments. We're splitting hairs.
Her: So you're swearing that you didn't fuck someone? I don't care if you did. I've cheated on you before, so I can't blame you.
Me: You WHAT?
Her: I said I've cheated on you before, and I'll do it again.
Me: Hmm. Ok, then yeah. I didn't get you flowers because you're pretty. I got them because I felt bad that I cheated on you.
Her: Fine. What was her name?
Me: Suzy.
Her: Just Suzy?
Me: Suzy Floozy.
Her: Her name was Suzy Floozy? You had sex with someone who was a literal Floozy?
Me: I GOT YOU THE FLOWERS BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY AND YOU NEED TO STOP QUESTIONING ME.
Her: Jesus, you're crying again.
Me: I was just thinking about how beautiful it was when you deflowered me.
Dancing about architecture/stand-up
I was pacing outside the bizarro retail shop/stand-up venue during the show last night, wondering what would happen if I told the lovely and talented producers that I couldn’t perform. I could get back on the plane and worry about how to explain my mental breakdown to everyone I’d told I would be performing later. Fuck, I’d been working on this 9 minutes of material for the last...
I'm doing stand-up tonight in LA!
Hey everybody. I’ve worked pretty hard the past few weeks on writing a longish set of stand-up material (90% of which HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN BLOGGED), so if you like reading this blog, you will likely enjoy it. There are also professional comedypeople performing in this show as well, and they will be delightful.
Here’s the deets:
Vlad the Retailer
8pm
Comedy
$5 (free wine/beer!)
...
Creepin' it up with Airbnb
I’m headed to LA tonight, and tomorrow morning I’m staying in someone’s apartment using Airbnb. Here are the creepy things I will say tomorrow morning to the very nice woman whose apartment I’ll be sleeping in for the next few nights:
“I’m sleeping in your bed, so we might as well do it already, right?”
“NEWT 2012! NEWT 2012! Can I have the keys...
I just vote from the heart, personally
Standing at a bus stop today, I was asked by a professionally dressed young woman if I was on my way to the Obama rally in town too. When it became clear she was not hitting on me and genuinely wanted to know, I walked away. Not really. I told her I wasn’t going, but I asked her if she knew what he would be speaking about.
After two minutes of vague phrases like, “He’s talking...
I've been thinking a lot about the Chipmunks today
Love is being tied to an uncomfortable chair with your eyes forced open as Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked plays on an infinite loop. Whenever you get up for a bathroom break, you’re forced to wear headphones that blare the soundtrack to Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. Let me remind you that this album features the hit song, “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”...
How I found my prom date way back when
SCENE: a high school in suburbia in the '90s
Me: Hey, Jen. Will you go to prom with me?
Jen: Sorry, I'm going with my new boyfriend.
Me: Oh, I didn't hear you were dating anyone. He's that guy with the earrings, right?
Jen: Yes.
Me: I can't compete with that.
Jen: No. No you cannot.
Me: Any chance you guys will be breaking up soon?
Jen: I don't think so, what with his earrings and all. He looks pretty cool.
Me: I was thinking about getting a belly ring.
Jen: Yeah, I'm not sure that's the look you want to go for.
Me: A nose ring?
Jen: Don't think you can pull that off.
Me: Cool. I'll probably get that belly ring then. So do you know anyone who doesn't have a prom date?
Jen: Hmm. Have you asked "Disturbed" Suzy?
Me: I never got why they called her "Disturbed" Suzy.
Disturbed Suzie stabs a pencil in my neck.
Me: I get it now.
Jen: I think she likes you.
The newest unofficial national holiday
Me: Dude, I'm so high right now. 4/20!!!!!
Him: Dude, it's 4/21.
Me: I'm soooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh right now.
Him: Ok cool, but you should know it's not 4/20. It's Saturday, April 21st.
Me: 4/20?
Him: No, Lee. It's not.
Me: I'm not really high.
Him: I know, man.
Me: Drugs scare me.
Him: Yeah, I remember, because you called the cops on me when I tried to take a Tylenol.
Me: I think I saved your life.
Him: You didn't. You stopped me from getting rid of my headache though.
Me: I mean, drugs don't scare me! I love weed! That's my shit!
Him: Lee, you don't have to try to act like you enjoy weed anymore. It's the day after. You're in the clear.
Me: Oh. Ok.
Him: Yeah, so calm down.
Me: I wish 4/20 were when everyone got together and ate froyo.
Him: 4/21 is an option for that.
Me: 4/21! When everyone eats froyo in defiance of the law! FUCK THE MAN.
Him: I'm not sure it's illega...
Me: JUST TRY AND STOP ME FROM EATING CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES, PIGS.
Him: If everyone's a rebel, then no one is.
Me: LET'S GO TO PINKBERRYYYYYYYYYYY.
1 tag
I'm doing stand-up in Los Angeles next week
Hey dudes. I haven’t been posting much this week since I’m practicing to do stand-up at this fantastic show in LA next Thursday. You should go if you’re in the area!
WHAT: Me and other very funny people saying humorous things into a microphone
WHERE: Vlad the Retailer, 4270 Melrose Ave
COST: $5 (but there’s free beer/wine!)
WHY: I’m not sure. I’d say that I...
I knew the word, I was just testing her.
SCENE: In bed. The morning after.
Me: Say something.
Her: What is there left to say?
Me: I don't know. Did you have a good time last night?
Her: I'm mad at you.
Me: Why?
Her: You were texting another girl WHILE you were going down on me.
Me: Gimme a break. That did not happen. Why would I do that?
Her: I don't know... why would you?
Me: What's your proof?
Her: You asked, "Where's that damn emoticon button?"
Me: Oh, that's my nickname for the clitoriaxis. Get it? Because when I hit it, you feel emotions.
Her: It's called a clitoris.
Me: I knew that.
Her: And I'm sad to report you never found it.
Me: Whatever, I don't even want to know where it is.
Her: You probably should've Wikipedia'd it before you got here.
Me: Probably.
1 tag
Girls and New York City
I watched Girls and liked it. There was one scene in the bodega and a moment where Hannah and Marnie are walking down a street that made me think, “Oh man, New York in the spring sure is nice.”
Then I was on New York mag’s website and read the headline “Deaf Boy Hit by Brooklyn Cab Is Brain Dead” and I thought, “Oh man, New York is a crazy fucking cesspool...
Forty. At the same time. You read that right.
It’s Saturday night at 11pm, so you know I’m watching Bon Iver on the Coachella livestream while dabbing my eyes with Kleenex when he hits those high notes DRINKIN’ MAD SHOTS OF JAGER AT THE BARS AND THEN SMASHIN LIKE FORTY BITCHES AT THE SAME TIME.
Please don't laugh in my face
The stripper laughed in my face. I don’t like it when people laugh in my face, so I tried to think of the meanest thing I could say.
“You’re just a dumb stripper!” I said.
“Really? I got you to buy me a car last week and I’m the dumb one?” she asked.
“It was only a Kia,” I replied, holding back tears. “It was just a Kia.”
The first paragraph of JK Rowling's new book
Guys, I just got a galley proof of the new JK Rowling book and it is not good. Here are the first few sentences. If I published any more of this book, I’d be arrested.
“Parry Hotter is just a regular guy sitting in his office who probably has magical powers. He’s not a wizard, or maybe he is! I’m not telling! Ok, he’s a wizard. He’s super cute and looks like...
Buy both my memoirs!
“Stop Asking Me How My Goddamn Sandwich Tastes: Lee’s Story”
How one man balanced his desire to have food cooked for him with his simultaneously need to be left alone by everyone and everything until the end of time! In stores now!
And this memoir will be followed up by…
“I Only Get Takeout Now: Lee’s Story… Continued”
How one man realized he...
1 tag
Easter with a Jew
Her: So what're we doing for Easter today?
Me: The same thing we're doing for Passover.
Her: What's that?
Me: Not observing it.
Her: Oh c'mon. You don't want to paint eggs?
Me: Not really. I was thinking about sitting on this couch all day.
Her: You're fucking boring. This is why no one likes you.
Me: You like me, don't you?
Her: Not if you won't paint eggs with me.
Me: It's actually against my religion.
Her: Bullshit. You just said you weren't doing anything for Passover!
Me: Dammit. I used to get away with saying that when I was younger.
Her: Really? Who'd you say that to?
Me: Everyone, for everything. People don't really know what the rules are for Jews, so I just used to say everything I didn't want to do was against my religion.
Her: Ok, playing Little League baseball?
Me: Against my religion.
Her: Going to the mall with your friends?
Me: Against my religion.
Her: Smoking cigarettes?
Me: Against my religion.
Her: Going to prom?
Me: Against my religion.
Her: REM?
Me: Losing my religion.
Her: Punk rock band from LA?
Me: Bad Religion.
Her: What're we even talking about anymore?
Me: I don't know, but this beats painting eggs.
On writing yourself a bio
Just read this guy’s bio, which is pretty impressive:
“Formerly an artistic director at Cirque du Soleil, James Tanabe is a polymath whose passion lies at the intersection of the sciences, performing arts, and international entrepreneurship. He is a graduate of MIT and the world-renowned National Circus School of Montreal, and he is an MA and MBA candidate at the Lauder Institute and...
EVERYTHING'S GOING MY WAY
My therapist told me to start a gratitude journal where I list all the good things that’ve happened to me today. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
haven’t yet been mauled by a large mountain lion
Next time try not to be born looking like that
Walked by a 12ish year old dude on the street with a jewfro, braces and ill-fitting clothes. Considered telling him that while nothing would improve for him in the looks department, he can always look forward to, umm. Wait, I got this. Ok, got it! A lifetime of acting in financially responsible ways, allowing him to live comfortably when he’s in his 60s.
Good luck, you poor bastard.
Thank heavens my grandpa had game
My grandpa died late last night. Here’s a man who rarely left his house, and never left the state he raised a family in, unless you count that time he flew halfway around the world to fight in a war.
But bringing it back to me for a second (because writing about other people is borrrrrrrrrrrrring), it’s odd to think that the decisions he made in the 40s directly led to my existence....
1 tag
March 2012
It's like roulette with your heart!
A lot of my friends are getting engaged lately. And I’m happy for them, because there’s only a 50% chance they’ll later regret that decision.
I killed a bee with a fucking dictionary
There was a bee flying around my home yesterday. For most people, the worst that can happen with bee stings is that it hurts and that you get a little bite mark. I could die My Girl-style, except for Anna Chlumsky wouldn’t give a flying fuck. So when a bee does sneak in my place, I freak out and kill it as soon as possible.
The bee made the mistake of flying into my bathroom. Not a lot of...
On second dates that never were
SCENE: Calling a girl I went on a date with a few nights prior.
Her: Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Lee.
Her: Hey. What's up?
Me: Nothing! Hanging out. I had a great time getting a drink the other night. We should grab dinner soon.
Her: Yeah, that'd be fun.
Me: Cool.
Her: Hey, I need to tell you something.
Me: Shit, that doesn't sound good.
Her: No, it's nothing. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea. I had a great time and all, but I'm feeling more of a friends vibe happening here.
Me: Oh, like I'm Chandler and you're Monica, and it SHOULDN'T work, but it DOES because there's this crazy chemistry and we are like SUPER into each other but we play it off like we're not even though WE TOTALLY ARE?
Her: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Me: Doesn't matter. And I know what you're saying. You want to BE friends. But I need to let you know first that I'm not attracted to you at all.
Her: You're not attracted to me? Why would you say that?
Me: Well, you said your thing and then I had to say mine. We just said it in different ways. You tried to be nice about it and I actually said the thing you were too nice to say.
Her: That's rude.
Me: I don't think it's rude. I'm being honest. Not to say that I WOULDN'T have sex with you. I would absolutely have had sex with you if you'd have been into it. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have enjoyed looking at you naked, but you gotta do what you gotta do. That's what my dad said right before he married my mom. Did you know they're still together? Love is fucking weird.
Her: You know, I thought that maybe we could've been friends, but I don't think so anymore.
Me: I don't need more friends.
Her: Well, now you don't have any more.
Me: I guess I don't. So you definitely aren't attracted to me?
Her: Not in any way.
Me: Then how are we NOT going to be friends? We have so much in common!
Worth it
Just ate jalapeno bacon wrapped shrimp. Waiting for a rabbi to show up and excommunicate me.
