May 2008
It doesn't get more important than this
Listen up, tumblr. I brought you all here today to tell you something very important. Not as important as the upcoming election or even the upcoming apocalypse, which will soon turn us all into the living dead. No, it’s neither of those things. Still, this subject is important enough that you all need to hear about it from someone you trust. Someone who cares about you. Someone with the...
April 2008
Co-worker: You know more about social networking than anyone in this company.
Me (in my head): This company is FUCKED.
Me: Have you had a chance to look over the contract?
Lady: Well, the attorney we had looking over it had some health issues.
Me: Okay...
Lady: And he's since passed away.
I wonder if that dead lawyer knew that he'd spend his last remaining hours alive staring into a worthless contract instead of, I don't know, with his friends and family, would he have done things differently?
I’ve been trying to come up with a pick-up line for Al Roker based on his famous phrase, “Here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods!” This is all I’ve got: “I’ve got something going on in my neck of the woods and I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a penis.” This is why I’m glad I never tried to be a comedy writer. I...
Wasted youth
The dude living in the building next to mine moved out today. Our windows faced each other. I didn’t know him, but I’d wave hello when our paths crossed. I’d be eating takeout in the kitchen and he’d be watching TV in his living room. He would often hang out of his living room window and have a smoke. Mostly though, he’d sit on his futon and watch TV. I’m...
Why trying to be funny is usually a bad idea
Me: I met this girl at a party who lives in Morningside Heights.
Her: Oh, my grandma's from there.
Me: Cool, maybe I hung out with your grandma. This girl I met was 97 years old.
Her: My grandma's dead.
At this point my brain shorted out.
Reality show about a farmer who wants a wife →
marco: From jakoblodwick, who writes: His “family also received more than $693,000 in federal farm subsidies from 1995 through 2006”. But they have “earned” that money, the article points out, because of some floods. Hey, I have an idea! Let’s take taxpayer money and use it to pay farmers and (mostly) farming conglomerates to grow more crops than the market demands at an artificially low...
We are all contradictions
The serious, militant looking guy next to me on the bus (he’s even wearing camoflauge) is reading a book called “Simple Taoism.” I don’t remember much from college, but I don’t believe taoism can help you kick ass. Maybe the ass of your mind. What’s that? I just overloaded your synapses with an idea so unfathomable it caused your psyche to do backflips? ...
Musician Challenge
My friend Vance (who has no tumblr, the bastard) did a fun one of these and said I could post it. Using only song names from one artist, cleverly answer these questions… no repeating song names… Artist: Ted Leo + Pharmacists 1. Are you a male or female? — Sons of Cain (or I’m a Ghost if you’re feeling wistful) 2. Describe your self — Hearts of Oak 3....
My favorite game
I like guessing what Pitchfork will score an album based on a snap decision of the name of the band and my cursory knowledge of their new album. It’s also fun if you know nothing about them. Just think of a number between 0.0 and 10.0 and you’ll most likely come close! For this artist you might have heard of named Madonna, I guessed 5.2. It ended up being a 5.3. Congratulations, me!
Watchjakehurwitz: I love this Hardly Working. Kunal FTW. Hardly Working is hardly unamusing.
WatchHang with this sketch the whole way. I laughed harder at this than anything else in the past few days.
WatchJohnny Cash - The Man Comes Around Love all the biblical doom and gloom in this song.
Did they have to make the rat from “An American Tail” a jew?
kray: thewordunheard: eec: wow i just got a resume from someone who’s first name is “Lovely” — that’s fucking awesome. the last time we were doing a mailing at work, there was someone on the list whose name was Dr. Christof Angst. omg. does that sound like a comic book supervillain or what? One of my supplier contacts is Sweety. I always feel weird when I write her and email “Hi...
“The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure...”
– Patrick Murray (via simko) Let me fix that for you: “The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing facilitating masturbation as a leisure activity.”
Artichoke artist
Of the 27 vegetables scientists studied, the almighty artichoke led the antioxidant pack. Plus it’s rich in both fiber and folate, two good-for-you nutrients. Look for plump but compact globe-like artichokes with thick, green, fresh-looking scales. (via RealAge) No way! I guess I’ll be choking down artichokes in my salad from now on.
It's good to be VIP
I bought my dad and I tickets for his birthday to a Sixers playoff game. I got club box seats. We were near center court and close to all the action. It was the first time either of us had been a VIP at a sporting event. We celebrated this by looking down upon the regular ticketholders and scoffing at their cheap clothing, factory jobs and bad fortune (not really). The first half was great. We...
I’ve gone on record as not being a fan of all forms of public displays of affection.
Still, there’s something to be said for a man reaching his arm around his seat on Amtrak to hold his girlfriend’s hand. She leaned up in her seat to grasp his hand and he squeezed it for a moment before letting go.
Something about the gesture gets to me. My heart is not completely jaded and...
Extra ticket for Chris Rock
A friend bailed on me, so I’ve got an extra for Chris Rock on Saturday, May 3rd at 8 PM. He is pretty much the best stand-up working today. The ticket is $95. Email me at leetumbls (at) yahoo.com if you’d like to go!
Run!
A friend of mine from college, now 25, is dating an older woman. Let us count the ways as to why this is a bad thing (ranked from not a big deal to maybe a dealbreaker). They work together. She is 35. She is divorced. She has a son. He is 12, but is old enough to know that this dude is boning his mom. If my friend were a little older, this wouldn’t be a big deal. But it’s funny to me...
WatchI took other video of Celebration, Florida, but nothing captures the vibe quite so well as this. In only 10 seconds! Were they going for the whole cultish vibe? Mission accomplished!
Not a Kooks fan until right this second
Their new album is quite good! Thanks, Kooks!
I just bought a PS3 and Grand Theft Auto 4. I guess I’ll be playing a video game for the next few years. I’ll check back into tumblr around that time!
Two sources close to the situation told ESPN.com Howard will almost certainly be entered immediately into the NBA’s marijuana program — which would require him to submit to counseling and much more frequent testing, including offseason checks — but it would appear that he is not at risk for a suspension unless he has failed two previous tests. (via espn) Oh to be a fly on the...
I’m really glad I caught an early flight and was able to hang out with everyone at Porch Bar tonight! I like you people! We should do it again sometime.
Watchchriscantwell: Another new Invisible Engine short? I’ll be damned. This is from an idea we had maybe three years ago. When we first started, we wanted to do this sketch, but I’m glad we saved it until now. As if I wouldn’t reblog a great sketch called “Stole My Dick”.
Pleasantville, Florida
I’m at the Orlando airport again. The meeting I’m here for went very well! Well worth the trip. My colleagues and I drove through Celebration, Florida, a Disney-planned community. It’s an eerie place. All the buildings are Art Deco and each home has a white picket fence. It’s got all of the elements of an old-timey neighborhood, but none of the flavor. It’s like in...
kray: I have my phone on auto text right now, which means while i’m typing it will put the words that I use frequently. Well, while texting this morning and last night it keeps writing out tampon and kill. Amen, sister.
Come pick me up, I've landed
Greetings from sunny Orlando, Florida, where I will be for a total of 8 hours today!
It’s nice outside, men are wearing Hawaiian shirts and Mickey Mouse was in the men’s room at the airport tapping the floor of the stall next to me.
I love this town!
Meadow-fresh face!
I am very tired, but I needed to get in a shave before I get up at 4:05 AM. I took a shower and stepped up to the mirror. Razor: check After-shave: check Gillette shaving cream: check I shake the can of shaving cream. I’m about to put it in my palm, but the top of the can looks dirty. I look down. It’s Lysol. Now my face is 99% germ-free and smells like it just came out of the dryer.
Wishing and hoping
Today at the gym, I wondered why I never see any celebrities. I work in a chic area. Surely they would go to my gym! Walking home, I saw a guy who looked like one of the guitar players for the Foo Fighters, but as it turns out, they’re in Australia right now. The Secret doesn’t work! Maybe next time I’ll think about it harder.
Fun is relative
Here’s a way to get someone to dislike you: reblog all of their posts with the response, “Homo says what?”. Neverending fun!
Chatting with Usher
Usher is singing from my co-workers laptop right now about wanting to “make love in this club.” He also “doesn’t care who’s watching” or if “he accidentally impregnates you.” (Young Jeezy wants you to know that it’s “going down on aisle 3.” And that “he’ll bag you like some groceries.”)
This Friday :: The Porch
fatmanatee: nycmeetups: THIS FRIDAY—DRINKS + FUN IN THE WARM WONDERFUL WEATHER WHEN: Friday, 6 p.m. or whenever you can get there til as long as you can hang WHERE: The Porch Bar: 115 Avenue C (between 7th St & 8th St) New York, NY 10009 (212) 982-4034 SUBWAY ACTION: L to 1st Avenue, F/V to 2nd Avenue GARDEN, GARDEN, GARDEN!: I have a big table reserved out on the back patio (no minimums...
sarahisrad: A cover of “I Want to Hold Your...
“I read somewhere I’m homophobic, shiiiiit. Go through the hood, there’s mad...”
– Which gangsta rapper spit these lyrics? Find out by reading The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever (via celebzaredum) I’m a little ashamed, but I laughed way too loudly at this article.
tumblrtionary
Kindafollowing Function: verb Date: 21st century Definition: Following someone’s tumblr for the sole reason that a) everyone else follows them OR b) you know them in real life and it’d be weird to unfollow them OR c) you’re sure that one day they’ll post something of interest to you even though they haven’t yet
Have you ever seen a check for $13 million dollars? I did this one time.
tuneage: The Bird and the Bee - Fucking...
Doom and gloom
A sense of doom that apparently is bred into so many of Philadelphia’s sports fans prevailed Monday night as the Flyers dejectedly skated off the ice and the Wachovia Center emptied. (via Philly.com) But the Flyers won tonight! And so did the Phillies! And the Sixers play a playoff game tomorrow! Not to worry, my impending sense of doom is still intact.
Can you even imagine the disappointment?
Co-worker 1: Fifteen feet before the end of the Boston Marathon, my friend broke her leg.
Co-worker 2: Next year, she could compete in the wheelchair division.
(This is why I will never be fired for saying inappropriate things. Everyone does it!)
With its pneumatic, sausagelike parts, “Balloon Dog (Yellow)” is a sly Trojan Horse: it seems innocent but is loaded with aesthetic and erotic perversity. (via nytimes) The writer of this piece is trying to tell you something. Mainly that he seems innocent, but that he’s loaded with aesthetic and erotic perversity.