October 2008
Stop me if you've heard this one before
centrist:
You know that movie/TV show where the guy’s wife says she doesn’t want a gift or anything special for her birthday, and he believes her? And then he ends up scrambling once he figures out “Duh, of course she wanted all of that!” And while you watch hilarity ensue, you think “What a moron”?
Today, I am that moron.
I have not yet plugged my friend’s new tumblr, so here goes....
September 2008
Touchdown!
I don’t mind having a gay roommate, except for on Monday nights. I always want to watch football and he always wants to have sex with me.
I just saw a bluebird on my fire escape! I’ve only ever seen squirrels and dirty pigeons.
Can anyone else confirm that this was not just a pigeon spray-painted blue?
I'm now sold on watching Little Britain USA on HBO
Matt Lucas: Well, our penises are real obviously when we film (in a fat suit that makes them appear naked).
David Walliams: Actually, it's penii, isn't it? Because sometimes you do need the plural if you're faced with more than one at a time.
It was much funnier when he said it with a proper English accent.
I ate a soy bacon cheeseburger for lunch. I love the moment when the salty, crispy soy bacon hits your tongue and you don’t care what soybeans had to die for your enjoyment.
I haven’t seen anyone post about it today, but I thought The Office was really strong last night. And not a disappointment like most of the hour-long episodes are.
And for those of you who haven’t seen it, I can’t believe Toby came back and killed everyone!
Watchrickyv:
After hearing Matt Damon’s brilliant comparison of a Sarah Palin presidency to a bad Disney movie, I called up Sam and said “Let’s make a trailer for what that movie would look like.” Within hours, Dan and Amir were writing it, Ben and the CHTV crew were casting and producing it, and two weeks later, here it is.
Digg?
Holy balls this is good.
The next debate should be at 4 AM EST on a Monday
I sure am glad they scheduled the debate for Friday night when everyone’s home and watching TV and stuff.
Answer: Kynaston McShine
Question: Who is the chief curator-at-large of MoMA with the best name ever created?
(via TimeoutNY)
It's a conspiracy!
If you were wondering when the jewish holidays take place this year, here’s a fun way to figure it out without your calendar! You know all the smart people in your office?
If they’re not at their desk, it’s Rosh Hashanah.*
*Fun aside: it’s not actually a real holiday. We made it up! We give the TV stations the same B-roll footage of people praying in synagogue every year...
I just woke up from a nap in which I got a dog, brought it in to work and then left it there.
I’m no dream analyst, but I think this means I want to make work my bitch.
ehc:
do you think it’s obsessive if you give someone your number and he calls 14 times in one weekend, leaves 3 voicemails, 2 texts, and has called 4 times from a private number before 11am this morning?
…i’m glad i told him my name was barbara.
Sorry, Barbara. I just want you to know the real me… ALL AT ONCE.
Reasons I'm still at work and not in bed sleeping...
I have no fucking idea.
Decisions, decisions.
Whenever I’m hanging out in my room with my laptop and unread books laid out in front of me, I have a choice to make between the two. It’s like deciding between eating chocolate chip pancakes covered in whipped cream and a bowl of brown rice.
This explains why I feel like such a (mental) fattie. It’s not that there aren’t ways to enrich myself online, it’s that when...
I Think I Am Legend Can Beat Mike Tyson
I rented I Am Legend yesterday. Will Smith has really matured as an actor and all, but I feel it could’ve used a little more Jazzy Jeff and a little less flesh-eating zombies infected with a virus that kills everyone in the world.
I should've picked up a book on how to get rid of...
I walked to the library today, picked up some new books and then I walked back.
That’s what goes for productivity when I’ve got a cold.
Ways I could tell I was having an allergic...
My tongue swelled up
My neck broke out in hives
My throat began to hurt
I began to levitate
The song “More Than a Feeling” began to play on the radio
Strawberry jam is the devil’s doing
I AM A STRAWBERRY, YOU WILL OBEY ME
Funny People →
aubreyplaza:
So…I guess I am going to be in the next Judd Apatow movie. It’s called FUNNY PEOPLE. I play a young stand up comedian. I am in Los Angeles shooting this until the winter. I have no idea what is going on.
Ugh. Now that Aubrey’s in it, this movie should be called UNfunny People.
(What do you mean, I’m holding a grudge? I mean, it’s not like she’s filming this...
To clarify
Since people have asked, I’m not losing my job. I just won’t have the same position as I’ve had for the past year. I will most likely be offered another job at the same company.
Thank you for your interest. Don’t hesitate to call or email with any other questions.
A recap of my Vegas trip
I’m back from Vegas after 5 days with my dignity and wallet somehow intact.
A few highlights from the trip:
Eating the omakase at Nobu (8 or so courses of goodness, including ridiculously good sushi and spicy shrimp tempura)
Learning my job won’t exist in a few months
Eating at Steve Wynn’s steakhouse to soften the blow of learning my job won’t exist in a few months
...
Vegas update!
Good news, people. I haven’t lost all my money in Las Vegas. I tried, but luckily there are such a thing as ATM withdrawal limits.
Actually, I’m not doing so terrible anymore.
Please send money.
Did the background color just change?
(via adamiss)
I thought I was going nuts. The text got smaller too.
Judas!
I’m eating corn with a fork made out of corn. I hope they didn’t know each other back on the farm. That would be awkward.
Fork: Stabbity stabbity, corn! Hop on top of me!
Corn: Ouch! Fuck, that hurts! Wait, what the fuck?! PAUL?!
Fork: Uhhh, nope? You must be mistaking me for someone else.
I keep picturing my weekend in Vegas ending with me curled up in the corner of a dirty motel room crying and holding a blanket as Paul Simon sings to me in the background, “Hello darkness my old friend…”
I guess the bad memories were beaten out of him
Cabbie: I've been a cabbie for 30 years. It was much better to drive a cab back then!
Me: Even with all the muggings?
Cabbie: Well, there was that...
My sketch pretty much tanked tonight when we read it out loud in sketch writing class. My idea was solid, but I kinda screwed up in the execution.
Instead of working on getting better, I’m taking the American way out and hiring ghostwriters! Please email me your completed, most genius sketches. Thanks.
This explains the constant pointing and laughing
I have a travel coffee mug with a top on it that sometimes causes water to spill out the sides. When it does, the water inevitably will fall into my lap.
It always manages to land on my pants in such a way that it looks like I wet myself.
Ball busted
As a man, you’re wont to adjust yourself (down there) in the course of a day. 99% of the time it goes unnoticed.
1% of the time your CEO walks up to your desk and introduces you to the new guy and as you go to shake his hand, you realize you’re offering him the hand that just got off the express train from your balls.
(This never happened, but it did give me an excuse to use my newly...
“You’re nobody til somebody reblogs you.”
– To the tune of “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You.” (via kapowbykao)
But reblogs won’t bring you happiness when you’re growin’ old.
He attacks the tastebuds in my mouth!
I think “Colonel O. Poppingcorn” is a good name for a popcorn company.
I l... you.
I’m weird about saying that to ladies, even if I do. I think it’s because I’m worried that something extraodinary will be expected of me if I say it.
As if an evil wizard will somehow materialize, hold the woman in his clutches and threaten to kill her. He’ll give me a choice like, “Lee, will you give up your own life for the life of this woman?”
And of course...
Can't wait to go to Vegas next week!
“Nevada casinos won just under $1 billion from gamblers in July…”*
*Oh, that’s down 13% from last year.
Hot and *sassy*
Co-worker: i keep clicking on the sara palin expenses articles
Me: I keep clicking on google ads for "naked sarah palin pictures"
Me: because my VP needs to be HOT
Since I never rarely erase screennames off of my buddy list, sometimes it looks like I just one day sat down and compiled a list of failed friendships and ex-girlfriends.
And who knows if someday I’ll want to IM that girl Holly I grew up with. Oh, the times we had at the 24-hour diner in 8th grade. I’m sure we still have so much in common!*
*I’m still on hiatus… just...