February 2009
WatchStephen Colbert interviews Paul McCartney. It gets weird.
I wish my apartment had a "I don't know where the...
I only watch The Real World: Brooklyn because watching a Mormon kid talk about how difficult it is to stop himself from experiencing sexual pleasure is the funniest thing on TV.
January 2009
Just do it
So my stuff finally got here to Colorado. It only took the moving company 16 days. You know, even though it’s a 2-3 day drive max. But that’s not important to our story.
Last night my stuff sat there in boxes in my living room. I let it sit there. I moped about.
“This is going to take forever to get this stuff unpacked and where it should be,” I mused. “I hope they...
A developer in my office is wearing a shirt that says “MY PEN IS HUGE” and has a drawing of a large pen on it.
I countered by wearing a shirt that says, “I’VE GOT A HUGE COCK” and has a picture of my actual cock on it.
WatchMy favorite Hardly Working in a little while!
“The general perception is that your town is full of snobs.”
– the mover, when asked if there was any stereotypes about my town I should know about
Well excuse me for wanting organic rice milk at my local supermarket. Is it that difficult to get in stock?
sunshinemakesmehigh:
I just set skis for a billionaire. A BILLIONAIRE. If I don’t get a tip I’m going to post his name and rant about his cheapness.
Do it. Do it.
“Lee, don’t ever have kids.”
– my boss, after talking to his wife on the phone, in what is fast becoming a trend
Poll Finds People Like Home but Want to Live...
partiesandhangovers:
(via NYTimes)
“It’s a great place to visit, but most Americans don’t necessarily want to live in New York — unless they’re in their 20s and are seeking a fast-paced lifestyle”
Yes, please!
I’m what you’d call “ahead of the curve.”
“Yeah, I know how to drink for two reasons. One: I’m from New York. Two: I...”
– the new guy at work
Three: you’re a douche? And douches are good drinkers?
My new office has a weekly stand-up. This means we all gather in the hallway and within three sentences, explain what we’ve been working on all week.
Here’s what I said:
“I checked my tumblr dashboard a lot. I answered the forty thousandth email asking how Colorado is. I drew a penis on a whiteboard.”
I’m listening to Jonathan Richman this morning. He sings about ridiculous things. I’m enjoying it.
I told her she was a statuesque beauty. I didn’t tell her it was a statue of Roberto Clemente.
I have food stuck in my throat, but I can still...
The last thing you want to hear as you are walking...
kapowbykao:
“I found out I had a viral infection…” - female nurse extra standing by the fruit platter talking to another extra
You should’ve waited until the end of her sentence, which was, “…that I got from fucking this platter of fruit.”
Yeah, you should avoid eating that fruit.
“Lee, don’t ever get married.”
– my boss, after talking to his wife on the phone
Lee: I'm coming over to your place to do my laundry...
Chris: Ok.
Lee: ...but only my Underoos.
Chris: Do they even make those in adult sizes?
Lee: ...
Dear New Guy,
You ask me lots of questions. I know I asked a lot of questions to a lot of people when I started and it’s part of how learning works and all, but YOU NEED TO FUCKING QUIT IT.
I’m trying to WRITE ON MY BLOG, OK? Asshole.
Sincerely,
Lee
Dumb sketch idea
Brilliant computer programmer who can only type with one finger at a time.
Give up on your dreams
I see this “Never give up on your dreams!” bullshit polluting my dashboard every day, so it’s time I weighed in on it.
Here’s what I say: give up on your dreams.
I’ve given up on my dreams. That’s ok. Because in place of my dreams, I have a paycheck every two weeks. And food to eat. And bitches around me 24/7 catering to my every need. And a white rhinocerous...
An email I never thought I'd send
“You’re right. Your ketchup penis beats my ketchup penis. :(“
If I were a lady and wanted to tell another lady...
Bitch, you need to go on a 365-day juice fast.
Food items I left behind in my friend's...
Half a tube of Gimme Lean fake sausage, the tastiest, most real-tasting fake sausage available on the fake sausage market
Bag of mixed salad greens
Skewers (not actually in the fridge)
Opened bag of MSG-laced Hint of Lime Tostitos (also not in the fridge; I put it am leaving it for them due to the whole MSG thing)
Sock it to me
Wool socks keep your feet warm until they don’t.
If you have any suggestions on the best socks for cold weather, send em my way (itssharingtime at gmail).
This pizza joint has pictures of NYC everywhere as if their pies are homages to pizza from there. Yet it tastes more like pizza made in the back of a bowling alley in Secaucus. Mmm, Seacaucus.
“This building was made when Mork and Mindy was around.”
– the asshole teenager next to me at the DMV, in an attempt at humor. I want to punch him in the face and scream, “Nanu nanu, you dumb fuck!
Mama, I've made it!
Now that I have my own office, I can listen to stuff on my laptop without headphones.
I told that bitch, “You ain’t my lady.” And she was like, “Then why did you tattoo yourself with the phrase, ‘Shirley will always be my lady.’” That was when I had to tell her: I was addicted to tattoo removal.
Me (to myself, when it’s cold and I’m walking outside in NYC): Brrrrr. Holy fuck is it cold. Ugh, it wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the wind. The wind is killing me. Stop being windy! I think that dude who walked by me pickpocketed my wallet. Yep. It’s confirmed. I have no wallet anymore.
Me (today in Colorado, when it’s 30 degrees out and snowing): It...
I live in Colorado now. That is not a sentence I ever expected to type in my lifetime. Another sentence I never expected to type? Sloppy joe handshake backslap. Life is just full of surprises, ain’t it?
I’m going to be a New York City asshole elitist about Colorado as much as possible. “Yeah, mountains are ok, I guess. Everyone’s into them now though. They’re huge and stuff. I liked them better when they were just piles of sediment.”
For those of you not keeping track: I moved to Colorado today. Your normal programming of tired sexual innuendo is temporarily paused while I play up this whole fish out of water thing. I’m a new york city jew in a strange land! Repeat ad infinitum.