November 2009
Whoa, dude. Whoa.
I’m listening to a Phish show that’s taking place right now via the Internet, but the original source is through a satellite that is broadcasting the show to the entire world.
My 16 year old brain just exploded. My present brain can comprehend it, but still doesn’t really believe it.
(You can listen too. Sign up for a free trial of Sirius/XM on their site.)
October 2009
I've just met an extremely hot Alice from Alice in...
But did not have the balls to say to her, “from the looks of it, your body is the real Wonderland and I would like to dress up like a Mad Hatter and explore it.”
It’s a good thing I lack balls.
Stellar Halloween costume ideas for couples
Time for my annual ritual of not having a costume on Halloween and rushing to the store at the last minute! Ugh, it’s the worst. I’m going to print my list out of couples costumes and pass it out to every girl I see in the Halloween store. Surely my ideas are so good I cannot be rejected!
Here they are:
I’m a vampire and she’s a vampiress
I’m a trucker and...
Crimes Of The Mind
Imaginary Person: Hey Lee, what're you going to do tonight?
Me: Get extraordinarily high and try to find a live stream of the Phish show from Indio.
Imaginary Person: That sounds really pathetic.
Me: Yeah? Well, well, well, I just got this sweet organic mint dark chocolate bar that's gonna be tasty. So I'm going to eat that!
Imaginary Person: That's not really helping convince me that you're going to have an awesome night.
Me: It's gonna be great. Believe it.
Imaginary Person: I'm glad I'm not you.
Me: You're imaginary. I don't see anyone else talking to me.
Imaginary Person: I need a new job.
Me: You're not getting paid for this.
Imaginary Person: I wish I was never born.
Me: You weren't born. You're imaginary.
Imaginary Person: Life is tough for me.
Me: What life? YOU ARE NOT REAL.
Imaginary Person: You're pathetic.
Me: At least I'm not you.
Imaginary Person: But you just said I'm not real! How can you be someone not real? HA! Now who's the fool? NOW WHO IS THE FOOL?
Me: *sobs quietly in the corner and cradles chocolate bar*
Sharingtime's Advice Corner
This was an actual letter sent to Dear Prudence, an advice column on Slate.com. Below is my response.
Dear Prudence,
I am currently in a relationship with a great guy. He is sweet and caring, and we get along very well. There is, of course, one problem that has existed for quite a while but is really starting to bother me now. I am very ticklish, and I hate being tickled. He found out about this...
2 tags
2 tags
Ouch.
I’m not wearing a costume this Halloween, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going as anything. Whenever I see some douche dressed as Balloon Boy, I’m going to punch them in the face.
When people ask me why I did that, I’ll tell them it’s my Halloween costume. I’m child abuse.
Chewing tobacco is not considered a physical...
The Geneva-based U.N. health agency listed the world’s top mortality risks as high blood pressure (responsible for 13 percent of deaths globally), tobacco use (9 percent), high blood glucose (6 percent), physical inactivity (6 percent), and obesity or being overweight (5 percent).
(via Reuters)
“That’s not good news,” said the state of Arkansas as they ate a Carl’s...
I suggested to my married friend that she dress up...
New DirecTV ad!
In light of DirecTV’s popular new ads featuring deceased actors (Chris Farley in Tommy Boy and Heather O’Rourke in Poltergeist), DirecTV will soon be shooting a brand new television advertisement that should be even more timely and funny.
I heard they’ve acquired rare footage of malnourished children from the Irish potato famine and added a hilarious voiceover of what...
A joke I would tell if I were eighty and in a...
I haven’t had sex since we had a white President. It’s true! That man was Dwight D. Eisenhower. I liked Ike. I’m not racist. You’re racist, Doris Kearns Goodwin! I would like some pudding. Chocolate puddinggggggggggggggggggg.
Oh, for the love of all that's holy!
VH-1 has a dating show called “For the Love of Ray J.” Ray J is a non-famous musician who is related to Brandy, a formerly famous singer.
Let’s recap how VH-1 came up with the name of his show:
Take a common phrase, “For the love of God”
Remove the word God
Replace the word that refers to the entity which is purported to have CREATED THE EARTH AND ALL THAT LIVES...
Inappropriate things to email your ex-girlfriend...
Start your email with “Hey girl (who has let me do unspeakable things to her), what’s up?”
Refer to the used car you just bought as “some other guy’s sloppy seconds” followed by “your new boyfriend knows all about that” and then put three thousand winky emoticons after
Tell her you heard she was in love with him; ask her if her definition of love...
Yankee Stadium was so empty at the end last night...
Go Phils!
There's a new gadget out now. Its only function is...
Snowflakes are like women: unique, beautiful and...
Update: Yeah, I fuck snowflakes. WHAT OF IT?
Look who's talking
This took place last week. The cashier is a girl who can't be over 23. She starts ringing me up.
Cashier: So how're you?
Me: Not bad. My face is swollen because I got a wisdom tooth pulled.
Cashier: Oh man. I have to get one out soon. I'm so nervous.
Me: Yeah, it's not so bad though. At least they gave me Vicodin.
Cashier: That puts me to sleep. I don't like the way it makes me feel.
Me: No?
Cashier: Yeah, when I had my first kid...
(I stop listening to her. You have more than one child? ON PURPOSE? Youth is wasted on the young, indeed. Do you want me to babysit for one night so you can experience the world outside of dirty diapers and your failing marriage to what I'm guessing is a 22-year-old because neither of you are adults and don't know how to communicate yet?)
Cashier: And then with my second kid...
(I can babysit for two.)
I have pants and they are fancy.
Last night me and a lady with a blog went to the James Beardiest winning restaurant in town. It was the most butter-drenched, pancetta-filled meal I’ve ever eaten in my life. Butter and pancetta don’t make up any part of my diet on a regular basis, so it was a treat as well.
Let’s go to the food, shall we?
Munson Farm Butternut Squash, Pancetta Crisp and Sage (soup that was...
He's just caught in the undertow
Dear innocent-looking college freshman on the bus wearing a Linkin Park hoodie, I know, they had a few killer songs! Something about a lady bringing you one step closer to the edge? Oh man. I FELT THAT SHIT. Not sarcastic. It spoke to me when I was in college and was full of angst and bitterness and other awesome feelings. No doubt about it. But here’s when you and I split. I did not feel...
Sharingtime opens his big, stupid mouth in a...
(I'm on a conference call with a room full of my peers in New York.)
Boss: How're things going on those accounts, Lee?
Me: *venomous outrage at how my own company is setting me up to fail and I'm doing the best I can with it, but things need to change and this is really fucking pissing me off and how dare you and how stupid can you be*
(Stunned silence in room.)
Me: *more screaming like a crazy person and I can flash-forward to tomorrow and see myself being fired for this outburst and mistakemistakemistakemistake*
(Dead air. They may have hung up on me.)
Boss: (pauses) You're right. That needs to change. Would fixing it by Monday work?
Me: Yes. That's fine.
Me (in my head): That worked?
I'm pretty sure if I ever had to insult someone...
comeoncomeon:
(via sharingtime)
are you really gonna rag on people who have jobs? low.
I would just like to note that this person hasn’t posted since April, but came back to tell me what a dick I am for making fun of people who have jobs.
This person is right. Do you have a job? FUCK YOU.
That's what I get for trying to do the right thing
Dear Girl I Just Took Out On A Date,
We had a good time the other night, right? But I wanted to address that awkward moment at the end of the night when we were in your car. You were dropping me off and I wanted to kiss you before I left, but there was that huge barrier between us in the form of your car’s gear shift. I didn’t even try to make a move due to the high potential of me...
I measured my dick the other day and it was...
Sharingtime goes to the supermarket
It's 7 PM on a Friday, the scientifically-proven most lonely time in the world to go food shopping. Your hero finds himself shopping at said time. All dialogue is going on in my head.
Lee: Well, self, let's find us some good apples.
Lee's Brain: Aye aye.
(The Weepies "Gotta Have You" plays over the speakers.)
Lee: Ugh.
Lee's Brain: Hey, it's that song you associate with that girl!
Lee: Tell me about it.
Lee's Brain: Don't mind if I do, Lee! Didn't you used to listen to that song on the way to see her sometimes? And hey, didn't you two used to shop here all the time?
Lee (grudgingly): Yes, brain. Great observation. Really great.
Lee's Brain: Anytime.
Lee: Hey brain. Last time I was here with her, my balls were also here. So how come you don't bring up the thought of my balls every time I shop at this particular supermarket?
Lee's Brain: I had not thought of that. I guess it was an oversight.
Lee: How about this? When I'm shopping here, we think about my balls instead.
Lee's Brain: It's up to you, Lee.
Lee: Damn right it is.
Lee's Brain (to itself): You win this round, Lee. You win this round.
I'm pretty sure if I ever had to insult someone...
2 tags
Looks aren't not everything
You ever catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window’s reflection and wonder, “how did I ever get laid looking like this?”
“Bill [Murray] got up in front of the audience of Gilda’s SNL peers [at her private memorial service] and said what we were all thinking but were too afraid to put into words. ‘Of course we all loved her,’ said Bill. ‘She was our Carol Burnett, our Lucille Ball. She was our own special genius. The more vulnerable she became, the more we adored her. And then one day -...
How to ask a girl on a date and get to eat lots of...
On Sunday night text her, “would you like to go to dinner thursday night?”
Wait five minutes.
When she does not respond within five minutes, assume your text did not go through. Text her the same message once every five minutes for the next hour to make sure she gets it.
Wait 12 hours.
When she does not respond within 12 hours, change your approach. Text her,...
How David Spade was convinced to do the DirecTV...
Ad executive: So, David. Love your work. We want to put you in one of those commercials where it looks like it's just a clip from a movie, but then you talk about DirecTV. All the big stars are doing it: Craig T. Nelson, Chevy Chase, King Kong.
Spade: Yeah, those commercials are funny. Let's do it. So which one of my awesome movies will you be using? Joe Dirt? Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star? The Emperor's New Groove 2: Kronk's New Groove?
Ad executive: Actually, David... Tommy Boy.
Spade: I don't like where this is going. A scene with just me in it though, right?
Ad executive: That's not what we were thinking. We want to use the "fat guy in a little coat" scene with Farley.
Spade: Nonononononononono. That's fucked up, man. I'm hanging up.
Ad executive: We'll give you a million dollars.
Spade: And free DirecTV?
Ad executive: Done.
(via sharingtime)
I wish Tyler Hansbrough would find my dog and then...
Sad news, guys. 99.99% of our Nation's rappers are...
“A vegan in a Hummer has a lighter carbon footprint than a meat-eater in a Prius.”
– Michael Pollan (via @nichcarlson) (via soupsoup)
Wow. I’m not vegan (or even vegetarian), but this is definitely making me think about it very seriously.
(via nutritionista)
I know! I’m running to the Hummer dealership right now and grilling up a huge steak tonight and then giving the...
Dirty Jerz
I just had lunch with some friends who recently moved to Jersey City, New Jersey. After speaking with them about their new home, I’ve created this handy guide to help explain the myriad differences between Jersey City and its sister city Hoboken.
Hoboken is dirty.
Jersey City is very dirty.
That’s all for now!
What I predict will happen when I go out tonight
A group of attractive women in their 20s are gossiping.
“Man, that guy over at the bar is cute,” the one model says to the other model, but not the really skinny, ugly kind.
“You mean the guy who’s 6’3” who looks like he works out every day who is also a doctor?” says the other model.
“No, stupid! The guy next to him. The guy who’s...
Boulder's men the second-hottest in the country →
mattgorman:
floggeddeadhorse:
Yes, I am single…laaaaaaaadies….
And Denver’s 7th! I’m between Denver and Boulder, so that averages to 4.5th. I’ll take that. Also Fort Collins is 4th? I think it’s safe to say that the whole state of Colorado is pretty sexy.
Before I moved here, Boulder was 3,486nd hottest.
Question: why did I get so many weird looks on the...
The answer may gross you out.
Answer: it looks like I’m wearing lipstick. Except for it’s blood.*
*I got into a street fight with some ne’er-do-wells a wisdom tooth removed.
Sharingtime gets a wisdom tooth removed
Surgeon's assistant: So I'm going to give you a prescription for Vicodin.
Me: Cool. And I can sell whatever I don't use on the streets.
Surgeon's assistant: Yeah. See, you're also going to make some money today!
Me: I did! Who knew that getting my tooth out would be such a pleasant experience!
Halloween costume idea
A friend told me she wanted to be a Somalian pirate for a Halloween party next weekend. Thinking that was a little too obvious, I suggested she instead go as a sommelier pirate.
She can walk around telling people at the party that the type of box wine they’re drinking with that pizza is so not the right pairing… and then hold them up at gunpoint for their valuables.
I think E.T. phoned home on that thing
A guy sat down next to me at trivia night and placed the bulkiest Nokia cell phone I’d ever seen on the table.
“Glad your phone could time travel from 1991 to be with us,” I said to him.
He looked hurt. I felt bad, until the other guy at the table asked him if his phone was full of candy.
If you read this post by mistake...
I love getting emails with disclaimers at the bottom. Like this:
“IF YOU RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION BY MISTAKE, please don’t forward it to anyone else (it may contain confidential or privileged information), please erase all copies of it, including all attachments, and please let the sender know it went to the wrong person. Thanks.”
So when I get emails with that, I like to...