November 2009
Living well is the best revenge, but a...
Damn Hell Ass Kings
I hadn’t been food shopping at America’s Healthiest Grocery Store™ for a few weeks, so my shopping cart was overrunneth with overpriced organic pre-packaged food. I pull the cart up to the register. A Latino family is ahead of me in line.
The dad had a ponytail and a black leather jacket and was speaking Spanish to his wife and young daughter. They had about six items. Some raw...
Every full episode of Austin City Limits this year →
Pearl Jam, Okkervil River, Andrew Bird, St. Vincent, Willie Nelson, etc.
Just getting this joke out of the way
I put up Christmas decorations today. I hung tinsel on some ornaments.* **
*I don’t have a tree.
**Ornaments are how I refer to my balls during the holidays. Because like ornaments, my balls are shiny, loved by millions and endorsed by NASCAR.
Somewhere in Hollywood, a pretty girl is fucking...
“There’s a new iPhone app that can automatically add cats to your pictures....”
– Conan O’Brien
We're all whores
Black Friday made me hard, but I won’t come until Cyber Monday. On Tuesday, I’ll look around my apartment, see the multitude of empty Amazon boxes, feel sick and quickly take them to the dumpster under the cover of night to avoid further embarrassment.
Inappropriate joke I made up that no one said to...
“Hey Lee, if you have kids with a shiksa, your kids would be half-jewish and half a fag.”
How to pass time sitting at your airport gate
Open up your laptop.
Don’t turn it on.
Begin shouting names of websites you’d like to browse.
Start with, “www.citibank.com, please.” And then, “My social security number is xxx-xx-xxxx. What is my balance, computer machine?”
When people ask you to quiet down, ask your computer to go to, Shutupyoustupidbitch.com. When that shuts them up, smile at your...
Anyone else at the Philly airport right now?
If you answered yes, you’re lying. This place is a fucking ghost town. Flying today instead of this weekend is the best travel-related idea I’ve ever had.
Games people play
I played a fun card game with my young cousins yesterday called Apples to Apples. I won’t explain how it works, except for the first winning hand was played when someone matched up the adjective “sexy” with the word “AIDS.”
Oh, how the kids grow up fast these days.
“Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.”
– Jesus Christ
Every kiss begins with disappointment
I don’t get why my friends think it’s creepy that I filmed a homemade Kay Jewelers commercial where I play both the male and female roles. And that it’s apparently weird that the male me surprises the female me with a heart pendant with the words “LOVE IS DEAD” inscribed inside of it.
clrados bn on txtng whle drivng strts tues oh no oh no crash my carrrrrrrrrrrrr noooooooooooooooo
Wise beyond her years
“What’re you thankful for this year, Uncle Lee?” asked my three year old niece.
“None of your fucking business,” I said, and took another drag off my American Spirit, which is a cigarette brand that shows that I am a slave to nothing except my exquisite taste in cigarettes.
“Let me bum one of those?” she asked cheerfully.
“I can’t let you do...
Happy tumblrversary, me.
I neglected to mention that on November 19, 2007, I started this here blog. It’s changed my life in the past two years in more ways that I can mention, but mostly for the worst. This is solely due to the horrible people I’ve met through this site.
I wish I’d never met any of you.
Love,
Sharingtime
tumblr romance success story!
I was inspired by something I read today on CatholicMingle.com. Below is a snippet of a success story of a couple who met there:
“No person can claim to be Christian unless they have had a personal experience of Jesus Christ. And suddenly our eyes opened! We both encountered Jesus Christ anew, in the person of one another! From then on HE spoke to us through everything we experienced with...
Woof?
She loaded the gun wordlessly. I wasn’t about to say anything. The tension was palpable.
“We gonna do this or what?” she said, dripping with confidence.
“I’m not sure I’m ready,” I said.
“Lee, either we’re going to hold up this convenience store and steal enough money to get your dog the surgery it desperately needs to live or we’re...
Guess what everybody?!?!?!
I just cut carbs out of my diet!!!!!!!!! It’s time for me to live right and eat smart.
This means I will no longer be eating bread, grains, rice, water, air, land, sea, television, popcorn, apples, fountain pens, hula hoops, justice or listening to Savage Garden CDs.
Congrats to me and I’ll see you on the flip side of 95 pounds!
Sharingtime's College Diary
November 18, 2002 - Gotta study for Econ tonight.
November 19, 2002 - Failed Econ test. Drink a case of beer to drown sorrows.
November 20, 2002 - Gotta study for Sociology tonight.
November 21, 2002 - Failed Sociology test. Drink a case of vodka to drown sorrows.
November 22, 2002 - Hospital visit.
November 23, 2002 - Failed hospital visit. Drink a case of grain alcohol to drown sorrows.
...
You don't know my life.
(via marseeah)
*Texas accent* I don’t want your life.
*whipped cream bikini*
*Van Der Beek*
More than 1,500 people called to complain about Adam Lambert’s (homo)sexually charged performance at the American Music Awards. These 1,500 people were said to be so outraged they watched the performance multiple times both on their TV and on YouTube, followed by discreetly pleasuring themselves in their tiny trailer park bathroom while thinking about chicks and stuff.
They say lightning doesn't strike twice, but I...
Dreams come true
Good: when a woman emails you to tell you they had a sex dream about you last night
Bad: when a woman emails you every morning to tell you they had a sex dream about you
Worse: when the emails are from an account you set up yourself
Horrible: when you watch Swimfan every night to give yourself new ideas on how best to stalk yourself convincingly
The Worst: when you realize Swimfan is from 2002...
So I found my high school yearbook last night.
These are both real. Guess which one was mine!
Likes: fishing, hunting, football Most often seen with: lucas, tank, brad, jessica Most notable quote: “dumb doesn’t go away by itself.”
Hobbies: spelunking, watching security camera videos Most notable quote: “we have rabbits!”
(Hint: it’s the one that’s trying too hard.)
Bonus real high school yearbook...
Create your own Lady Gaga performance!
You too can create your own magical Lady Gaga performance guaranteed to shock Middle America and please her fans!
Simply follow this guide…
Lady Gaga will take the stage wearing:
a) something super crazy
b) something really crazy
c) something batshit crazy
d) jeans and a t-shirt, but really fucking crazy jeans and a t-shirt that’s got bubbles on it or some shit
Lady Gaga will...
“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.”
– Marilyn Monroe (via kari-shma) (via alla1)
“Teach a girl how to make the right shoes and she’ll be a factory worker in China.”
Results of my thirteen hour New York City trip
I hit on the girl next to me on the plane. She tells me she’s married. I tell her I don’t care. She tells me her kid is sitting next to her. I tell him to look at the SkyMall catalog while I hit on his mom. He refuses and make a face at me. I guess he doesn’t like $5,500 massage chairs that double as blood pressure monitors.
I buy her a SKYY Vodka. I make an obvious joke about...
Carla
I walked into the gas station en route to the airport. I had all my luggage on me. I could barely squeeze through the door.
“He’s moving in!” said the gas station attendant lady.
I could tell she had used this line before. What she didn’t know was that I had heard that line before and had a comeback ready.
“Not if I move in first!” I said proudly, only...
You ever hear the phrase, “make like” instead of “make love”? As in “I made like to my friend with benefits last night.”
Last night I made tolerate.
Things I will accomplish during my brief visit to...
Eat everything from this bakery
Knock on the door of my last apartment, ask the current resident if “I could see the kitchen counter that I used for human sacrifice for old times sake” with a follow-up of, “oh wait, I used to sacrifice people in the bathroom too”
Organize a tumblr meetup of one in my hotel room, get upset when the one person who showed up was me
Fall...
Now he understands why I ask him to play catch so...
A friend of mine was giving me a ride home. He’s lived in Colorado for a while. I met him when I moved here. He told me he was going back to New York for Thanksgiving, where his family is from.
“Oh, where in NYC?” I asked.
“Astoria.”
“I lived there for a few years,” I said.
“Really? My parents live right off of 29th Ave.”
“By the...
I once asked a girl to marry me on Adult Friend...
She said yes, but we had to get divorced when I couldn’t afford the monthly fee (to her heart).
How not to talk to a recently divorced friend
Me: Sorry to hear she left you, man. That's rough.
Him: Yeah.
Me: I've been there. I've been there.
Him: You've never been divorced.
Me: No, I mean, I've been with your wife.
Him: That's not funny.
Me: I'm not smiling. It wasn't particularly pleasant. She kept talking about you the whole time. Real turn off.
Lady Gaga was on Gossip Girl the other night. When will TV shows stop trying to top the time The Beach Boys were on Full House? IT CAN’T BE DONE.
Peek a boo!
Sometimes I’ll go to a cafe in the morning and get some chai. I walk up to the counter.
“I’ll have a chai to go and a scone, please.”
“Sure,” she said.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I like your shoes,” she said.
This is the moment my brain shorts out. She can’t see my shoes. I’m in front of the counter. I look around to make sure...
Live at a concert only twelve year old girls would...
I’m here because I like the opening band to the not-so-good headliner. And the band and I know a lot of the same people back in New York. This makes me much cooler than everyone else. I’m going to keep repeating this until I believe this.
Ok, it’s not working. I’m embarrassed to be here and nothing will help but alcohol.
Update: three sips into this New Castle and I am...
“Everyone owns a horse but you and your sister.”
– a teenage girl behind me on the bus
You could make fifty livejournal posts with the shit I’ve heard on this bus full of middle schoolers in the last two minutes.