December 2009
Not cool, dog.
We were in her bedroom. Her dog would not stop staring at me. I knew why. I had filled my pants with dog treats to endear myself to the bastard. He never liked me. It was like he could tell I was using her owner for her body. “Take your pants off, sailor,” she said to me. I didn’t know anything about sailing, but I did know this was the time to use the headwinds to starboard...
My New Year plans
Happy new year everyone! I’ll be spending my evening as I normally do, curled into a ball in the corner of my apartment, cradling my Rock Band drumsticks, reciting Eat, Pray, Love from memory and hoping that someone will knock on my door and ask to kiss me at midnight.*
*I’m into dramatic kissing at midnight every night of the year. I feel like the rest of the world infringes on my...
1 tag
And I am always happy
I sent my clientz gift baskets and when they got em they called me up and were like daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn that’s some fine martha stewart craftsmanship on those fuckin dark chocolate almonds and mixed dried fruit, ya herrrrrrrrrrrrrrd?
And I replied, “We appreciate your business and look forward to working with you in the future” because I do. Customers are the lifeblood of our...
Even at a young age, I was solving the world's...
(This is true.)
In 7th grade health class, we learned about STDs. It was not a fun lesson. Sex can be dangerous? Who knew. I was a virgin at the time, so I wasn’t worried about getting any of those diseases, but I knew that one day I would want to avoid contracting one.
I had a foolproof idea.
“Does anyone have any questions?” the teacher asked.
I raised my hand.
...
His holographic wang left much to be desired
It was New Years 2046. Would anyone kiss me when the ball dropped? Someone? I looked around the room for a willing volunteer.
I don’t know why I was even looking. After the explosion, the only two people left on earth were me and Scarlett Johansson.
“Don’t even think about it,” she said. “Not if you were the last man on earth.”
“I AM THE LAST MAN ON...
Coming soon to a theater near you...
I’ve written a movie trailer. Enjoy.
Voiceover: Bill is a bachelor.
INT. Nightclub - Night
BILL is hitting on an extremely attractive looking girl, ANNA, at the bar.
BILL: Yo baby, you’re looking good tonight.
Voiceover: Anna is a very single girl.
ANNA: You’re not bad yourself.
Voiceover: What could possibly go wrong?
INT. Bill’s Bedroom - Morning
BILL and ANNA...
Vodka martinis are not my friend
(This is all true.)
Tavern on the Green, the famous NYC restaurant, is closing after New Year’s. I visited once when I lived in the city years ago. It was the only time.
I remember walking in and being immediately assaulted with the most gaudy, tacky display of chandeliers outside of a strip club. And somehow there were more tourists there per square foot than Times Square. I considered...
A question I've never asked myself at Whole Foods
“What does that woman in dreads think she’s doing here?”
I buy ten of everything
I wanted my apartment to seem clean, but not too clean. If she figured out that my apartment was cleaned specifically for her, the jig would be up. Then she’d know I only clean when I have company!
That’s where the pubes come in. I strategically placed one pube in each room of my apartment. She’d never suspect a thing.
She walked into my kitchen to pour herself a drink. Game...
“Mackey recently told the magazine Reason that the key variable in deciding where...”
– from the fascinating profile of Whole Foods CEO John Mackey in The New Yorker
I must’ve gone to college three times.
It's not personal
“When was I conceived, dad?” my son asked me.
“I don’t know, go ask your mother,” I said and turned up the volume on the football game.
“Mommy, when was I conceived?” my son asked.
“I don’t know, dear. About nine months before you were born,” my wife said.
“Why?”
“Because mommy and daddy were ready to bring you into...
New tumblr terms of service announced
underbutt-blue:
metalxmasbuttfuckingforyou:
timelines:
meysell:
iguessthatscool:
sharingtime:
On January 1, 2010 tumblr is going to announce that all soft-lit pictures of men and women in beds with their arms around each other will be BANNED in the new year.
Tumblr estimates that 89% of all pictures posted to their site are such pictures and hope that it will encourage their users to...
What I've accomplished in 2009
Fucked Read a ridiculous amount a moderate amount of hos of books
Wrote out tens of thousands of ideas I thought were funny, threw away thousands more, posted hundreds and was truly proud of ten of them
Proved that I was way more resilient than I give myself credit for
Convinced the New Kids on the Block to reunite
Moved across the country in search of a better way to live my life and...
“There are images that stay with you your whole life, whether you want them to or...”
– from bonk: the curious coupling of science and sex by Mary Roach
New tumblr terms of service announced
On January 1, 2010, tumblr is going to announce that all soft-lit pictures of men and women in beds with their arms around each other will be BANNED in the new year.
Tumblr estimates that 89% of all pictures posted to their site are such pictures and hope that it will encourage their users to post pictures of, I don’t know, girls in vintage dresses in the forest instead.
I've got two carry-ons for you right here
Due to an incident in which a terrorist tried to ignite an explosive sewn into his underwear to avoid detection, the TSA has announced that they will be searching every traveler’s dong for explosives. The TSA has promised to search beneath the dong, next to the dong and all around the dong to ensure utmost safety.
Asked to comment, blogger and business traveler Lee Sharingtime noted,...
Guess who?
A friend of mine from home ran into a girl named Mara we went to high school with. He told her to call me and surprise me. I hadn’t thought of her in at least ten years. I didn’t recognize her voice.
She asked me if I remembered that I wrote her a song for her 16th birthday, put it to the tune of “I Had a Little Dreidel” (I’m pretty sure I called it “I Had a...
In light of tighter security regulations on airplanes that require passengers to be in their seats an hour before landing, Amtrak is considering some new slogans:
Amtrak: Pee Freely
Amtrak: No, Really, Whenever, Wherever, We Don’t Care (Even In Your Seat)
Amtrak: We’re Also Totally Fine With It If You Want to Bone in Our Bathrooms
Amtrak: We’re Like Your Cool New Dad
5, 4, 3, 2, 1... MERRRRRYYYY CHRISTMAS!
I'm never going to stop talking about this game
I just thought of something really sad. A man all alone in his tiny, squalid apartment playing along to all the drum parts on Beatles Rock Band and crying.
That man is Pete Best.
“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals...”
– the final line of the movie Love Actually if all of the main characters died in a horrific nuclear explosion
Text messages I've sent today
To my shiksa wife: Merry Christmas, honey! Love you!
To my mistress: Merry Christmas, you dumb whore! Ha! Love you!
To my son: Merry Christmas, slugger. I promise to get you a gift next year.
To my boss: Merry Christmas, sir! Rest assured I’m working hard today, as I have nothing else to do!
To my other mistress: I’m going to leave them both, I swear. Merry Christmas, baby.
To my...
Looks can be deceiving... or not.
“Why are you dressed like Santa this morning?” my son asked me.
“Because I wanted to get in the holiday spirit,” I replied.
“But we’re Jews, aren’t we?” he asked.
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dress like Santa. Santa is not really a Christian thing anymore. Jesus isn’t either, but no one dresses like him,” I...
Let's call it a tie
Dear Christmas,
Sorry I declared war on you. Truce?
Love,
Lee + The Jews
Totes worth the extra $1.99
I would like to add playing the drums along to The Beatles “Oh! Darling” on Rock Band as one of life’s great little pleasures.
Santa is a horrible c-word
“Daddy, why don’t we celebrate Christmas?” my son asked me.
“Because we’re Jews,” I said.
“Why are we Jews?”
“Because we were born into Judaism. People don’t choose what religion they are, for the most part.”
“Not even Santa?”
“No, Santa did. Just like Jesus, he was a Jew first. And now he spends his waking...
Beatles Rock Band is cool, but there are better...
Beatles Rock Band: Just got this! It’s awesome!
*N SYNC Rock Band: I can’t master the dances on the dance pad. That hand motion where you act like your hand is waving or talking during “Bye Bye Bye” is super difficult.
Jimi Hendrix Rock Band: “Crosstown Traffic” is tough to master. I always get stuck on the part where you have to hit the button that makes you...
The soundtrack of my life is unlistenable
I always associate music with certain moments in my life. Here are songs that were playing in the background when those important moments were happening.
When I lost my virginity: Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas
When I drove a car for the first time without a learner’s permit: I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas
When I finally accepted the ubiquity of the Black Eyed Peas and knew...
I hope someone names their blog after one of my...
Whoa. Nina, a new tumblr user, named her blog after a post I made a while back.
What a cheap ploy to get me to follow her!*
*But seriously, I’m flattered.
Angels we have heard on high
“A man who walked into a Michigan diner with a 5-inch knife stuck in his chest ordered a coffee and complained only about the cold weather.”
(via HuffPo)
Asked why he had a knife stuck in his chest, the man replied that he had a dream where Josh Groban, Michael Bublé and Il Divo got together and recorded a Christmas album. When he woke up, he thought it was real. He claims he meant...
He fixes everything
How much do you tip your apartment’s maintenance guy for the holidays? I’m giving him $40 because he does a great job fixing things and always comes over whenever I need someone to arm wrestle, cuddle with or eat dinner on top of.
“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence....”
– Anthony Jeselnik
Touches my foolish heart
“I’m in love!” Gabby said to me on the phone.
She had been in love before, but something about the way she proclaimed it sounded different.
“That’s great!” I said.
“Yeah, for the first time I feel like I’ve met the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life,” she said.
“Wait, you never felt like that when we were dating?” I...
I'm in.
From the makers of MTV’s Jersey Shore comes a new reality show that follows the former Jersey Shore castmembers ten years later after the steroids, tans and youth have worn off.
Tuesday’s at 10 it’s…
Saggy and Shriveled.
Lates.
I bumped into a kid walking to the bus stop this morning.
“My bad,” the kid said.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“MY BAD.”
“Try again.”
“My oops.”
“Are you fucking serious? How about an ‘I’m sorry’ or an ‘excuse me’ or ‘my fault’?”
“Ok. I’m sorry. Please excuse my...
About last night...
Last night I got a little crazy and wrote a bunch of posts about my travel experiences as they were happening. I wrote a lot of it in the heat of the moment, so going back and reading it, often I’m reading something I didn’t know I wrote.
I vaguely remember having the thought that “all children are horrible balls of filth, disease and unbearable noise.” Well put, self!
...
On the inside, I was weeping
(This actually happened.)
We’ve been sitting here for forty-five minutes without moving. The pilot said the airport is chaotic and we have no idea when we’re leaving.
Five minutes later, and I am not making this up, EVERY SINGLE CHILD on the plane started to cry. It was so loud and unavoidable that there was a slow-clap… of laughter. If you were in a seat, you were either...
Ahh, the joys of flying
(Please note: I hate blogs that are just one big long complaint. My blog is not one of them… until right now. When I get off this flight, regular programming will resume. None of what follows this is funny.)
Dear coughing, screeching little fucker behind me,
If you kick my seat one more time, I’m going to take the sneezing, wheezing, half-dead woman next to me and pay her to cough...
Pent up anger is the best kind
The woman next to me on the plane is sick. She just told her daughter next to her that she needs to get Tamiflu when they get off the flight.
I think this flight sets a record for the number of children allowed on one plane. They are all crying or talking in loud voices children use when they want to get everyone's attention because all children are horrible balls of filth, disease and unbearable noise. After I wrote that sentence, a child winged his beanie baby that looks like a horse at me. No joke. That kid's got a future as a psychic.
I want to get off the plane, rent a car and drive the four days back to Colorado, but I'm just going to suck it up and be a modern man, which means instead I'm going to blog about my "hardships."
Being a modern man is lame.
This is why I'm not in advertising
Mom: C'mere, skunk.
Five year old kid who announced to the terminal that he's crapped his pants: I'm not a skunk!
Mom: You smell like a skunk.
Me: Amen, sister! What a cunt!
Mom: What did you say to my son?
Me: Oh. Was everyone not calling your son a cunt?
Mom: No.
Me: Hmm.
Voiceover: Not going anywhere for a while? Fly Southwest for $199 to select east coast cities from now until January 31st.