April 2009
“What was once before you - an exciting, mysterious future - is now behind you....”
– Synecdoche, New York (via sunshinemakesmehigh)
I just can’t put my finger on why this movie depressed me for a few days after I saw it.
“It isn’t the great big pleasures that count; it’s making a great...”
– Jean Webster
The one man angry mob
When the phrase “we get it” is used in a blog post, it refers to the writer of the post having their subject figured out.
What’s noteworthy about the phrase to me is that it’s not I get it. It’s we get it. Implicit in the we is that they are speaking for a group of people just like them. It strikes me as odd to be pandering to a group of people who, as far as we...
Top 10 books on April 29, 2009 and in 1961
From Amazon today:
Conservatism
Da Vinci Code 2
Vampires
Vampires
Inspirational Christian novel
Vampires
Vampires (by a different author than the other 3)
Set of four books… about vampires
Pop-science
Vampires
Publishers Weekly from 1961:
The Agony and the Ecstasy by Irving Stone
Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Mila 18 by Leon Uris
...
Should I delay my trip to New York?
I’m supposed to fly to New York next week on business. I could stay here in Colorado and teleconference, but my boss would probably be disappointed.
According to reports, the flu will be getting worse before it gets better, so why risk getting sick (even if it’s not fatal) for a work trip? On the other hand, it’s my job.
Should I go?
Can you still be "book smart" if your favorite...
Terminal
I walked up to a very pregnant lady at the airport. “Pregnant lady, you need to hurry up and have that kid,” I said. She smiled and pointed to her stomach. “He’s trying to get out, but I won’t let him.” She wasn’t smiling anymore. “Pregnant lady, you need to cut the cord.” I wasn’t smiling either. “If I let him out, the world...
My phone bill is not about two G's flat, luckily.
Friend: So did your number change since you moved to Colorado?
Lee: Call the crib, same number same hood. It's all good.
Friend: But it's not the same hood. You moved.
Lee: Ugh. That's not the point. This is why we're not friends anymore.
Friend: Not according to this chat log.
Lee: ...
Ex-friend: Oh shit, you were serious.
Judge this book by his cover
His t-shirt said, “Please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes.”
Her boobs replied, “Please have your brain apologize to your dick for buying a shirt that will make certain you don’t get any ass.”
I'd tivo The Weather Channel, but life would spoil...
Maybe that's why they call it the good old days
Top stand-up comic of the 1970’s, selling out arenas with his special brand of comedy: Steve Martin
Top stand-up comic of the 2000’s, selling out arenas with his special brand of comedy: Dane Cook
I guess people in the 70’s also thought disco was great, so it’s not like they had impeccable taste. Still, it’s worth thinking about why America’s taste in stand-up...
"Why am I always single?" asked the annoying girl.
You're so emo you don't even know it
You know how in movies, there’s that scene where the guy or girl is looking wistfully at old love letters and faded pictures of someone they miss?
It’s probably the same way I’m looking at a playlist from this weekend.
Listening to a live version of Tenth Avenue...
Bruce: Tonight I want to go to that river of sexual healing…
Crowd erupts with cheers.
Bruce: …and companionship!
Crickets chirp. Tumbleweed rolls by the stage.
Cannibal humor
Cannibal 1: I like it when a woman cooks for me.
Cannibal 2: I prefer them rare.
That joke kills in New Guinea.
Diagnose my sleep disorder, tumblr.
This has been happening to me frequently. I’ll be in bed asleep, but I’ll have my eyes open and I will “see” patterns moving on the ceiling or wall.
It’s not scary, but it’s always disconcerting to see things with my eyes open when I’m asleep. Only after a minute or two of convincing myself that it’s not real do I wake up.
Does anyone know what...
Have you heard this song? It’s called “Black Person Sings About Love And Also Luxury Goods.”
Selected biographies from a pamphlet at an art...
Bert Wolf graduated from Temple University with a major in Fine Arts and a minor in Hand Drawing/Media Studies. His art work has appeared in numerous coffeeshops and cafes in the Philadelphia area, including that Starbucks in Old City, the one directly across the street from the first one and the one they shut down in Norristown. His parents proudly display one of Bert’s still-life drawings...
Rosie O'Donnell screamed at her wife during a...
Recession tip!
When packing your lunch, make sure to not pre-wash your fruit or vegetables. Save it until you get to work and then use your employer’s water supply and paper towels for drying it off.
Then use the $.036 cents you saved on water to help pay off your $160,000 in college loans!
I didn’t get a tattoo because it’s fashionable, I got one because High School Musical will always be awesome.
Notes on the Chipotle quarterly earnings call
What, you don’t listen to Chipotle’s earnings call to see how the company’s doing? The big news on the call this quarter was the imminent launch of MyChipotle.com, a social site where people can connect with other Chipotle fans and talk about their love for the restaurant.
Whenever I hear about a company creating their own social network, I immediately think they’re trying...
With the birds I share this lonely view.
Seriously, that’s what he’s saying.
I’ve been on hold for so long I forgot who I’m on hold for. This will not end well.
I asked my girlfriend to go on the pill. She chose...
“Philadelphia fans boo their own penis even when it’s working.”
– Leitch, in his Deadspin column (via peterwknox)
I am not able to refute this.
“When [Sid] Caesar’s Hour was in flower, there were not a lot of television sets...”
– Larry Gelbart, writer on Caesar’s Hour, along with Neil Simon, Woody Allen, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks
Wilco spoils me
Red Rocks and Vegas? AND Delaware? You are too good to me, Wilco. And they’re playing Coney Island if you like that sort of thing.
(via bv)
No Fear coming out with an energy drink is like...
“Two jews walk into a bar and they bought it.”
– Richard Belzer
It's possible that people who use the word hubby...
American Pie 9: Pie Deep
From my script for American Pie 9. It’s going straight to DVD, but don’t let that stop you from seeing it!
INT. Jim’s Kitchen - Day
JIM is on the kitchen countertop, listlessly fucking a Dominos pepperoni pizza. JIM’S DAD enters.
JIM’S DAD: Oh Jim! Why?! You’re 35, for chrissake!
JIM slowly detaches himself from pizza and pulls up his pants.
JIM: At this...
