July 2009
www.LaughYourDickOff.com →
celebzaredum:
This is amazing. I don’t even have a dick and I STILL just laughed it off.
azizisbored:
Visit the official homepage of RAAAAAAAANDY, my character from Funny People.
Check out the soundboard, learn about Randy’s passion for helping Darfur, and more!
Jason Woliner and I also created a whole video series/documentary about Randy that will debut on the site in some form in the...
June 2009
“The proposed ‘Oklahoma Citizen’s Proclamation for Morality’ would blame the economic crisis on moral collapse.
[here’s the resolution…]
WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and
WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking,...
“Over fifteen years ago, Duracell failed to renew its trademark in the US, which...”
– from Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive
When I was overseas a few years back, I bought a pack of Duracells and saw the Energizer bunny on it. I thought it was funny that the shady company making knockoff batteries didn’t know which company had the bunny. Little did I...
Blogging: when your cats finally tire of your...
I killed my sworn enemy, but first I made sure he was an organ donor. I had been legally blind since two. Now that he was dead, well, someone had to use his eyes, right? Why not me?
I spend my days staring at the sun.
I think I still come out ahead
Things I have stolen from work:
pens
pencils
a computer
paper
Splenda packets
space heater
coffee
Things work has stolen from me:
my will to live
the best years of my life
(Rabbit) Fur Coat
Let me preface this post with the following: I love Jenny Lewis. She’s an amazing musician, has a beautiful voice and I would be happy to sleep with her if granted express written consent from my girlfriend (and Major League Baseball, just to be sure).
That said, do not ever, ever, ever watch her perform in high-def. It pains me to say this: she has a beard to rival Zach Galifianakis.
...
wheniwascruel:
Clem Snide- No One’s More Happy...
Get some brain
In almost every porn ever, there’s a point in the scene where the girl is about to say something really filthy, but her mouth and her brain aren’t on the same page. The result is that what she says makes no sense.
“Yeah, put that dick right there on my… brain. Yeah… right, that’s right. Don’t stop rubbing my… elbows. Tits.”
You can just hear...
I am woman, hear me.
“Tennis great Chris Evert has joined the chorus of complaints about the noise level in women’s tennis, saying the ‘grunting’ was getting out of hand.”
(via ESPN)
If they take the grunting out of women’s tennis, that means I’ll have to go back to spying on women lifting pallets of tomato sauce jars at the Costco.
Every single post you've made
Every post by a lady on tumblr
I have:
a vagina
a crush on a boy (underlying tone: love is grand and whimsical!)
a boyfriend I love (underlying tone: love is cool on the whole, I guess)
a husband I love (underlying tone: love fades)
a picture of Chris Pine
an ability to flip out over nothing
a pretty dress
a picture of something twee you should look at
nothing against posting pictures of...
E. Coli Causes Beef Recall →
thephenthouse:
380,000 pounds possibly contaminated.
Pish posh. This one time I went to Whole Foods and unknowingly bought seitan that had already expired. Then I went home and pan fried it with wild mushrooms. I felt ok afterwards.
But seriously, can you believe it? Expired.
I'm not proud of this, but I'm ok with it
I’m ok with the fact that it’s 4 PM on a beautifully sunny day and while everyone’s outside, I’m in my apartment reading a book about the art of being persuasive with the air conditioner on while listening to that song from 1996 on the Party Of Five soundtrack called “Closer To Free.”
We should've refused to play the second half.
Did we all just take the same drug that convinces us the US is beating Brazil in a soccer game?
It’s all so confusing.
You know the look on people’s faces in movies when they open up a locked briefcase with a ton of money inside? That’s how I looked when I opened my first Papa John’s pizza in 7 years and saw the garlic sauce.
I don't understand how it could've ended so badly
So I finally broke up with my girlfriend. It wasn’t a nasty break-up per se, but it wasn’t pretty either.
I started off by telling her that I loved her. She kindly asked me to take the gun out of her mouth. I told her that I never wanted to be with anyone else. She asked me to take the gun out of her mouth by pointing to the gun and making the international symbol for “take this white hot steel...
A fun way to get fired
Sign off all emails to your boss with the following:
Cordially,
Fuckbag
When asked why you did such a thing, apologize profusely and say that you just do it out of habit.
I'd like to see you try to walk with three legs
Whenever I’m having a bad day or feeling down on myself, I wish the Youtube of my mind would automatically play me a 30 second video of a three-legged dog running in slow motion with “Chariots of Fire” playing in the background.
You’re inspired right now thinking about that. You’re welcome.
Watchjoshruben:
(via galebeggy)
Gale’s latest
She’s my hero.
Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have split up, People magazine reported. No jokes here, guys. Sometimes you have to know when a situation calls for some gravitas.
Vroom vroom!
I got my first lesson in driving a stick shift last night. Here’s how it went…
Patient Teacher: Now just ease up on the clutch.
(Car dies.)
Patient Teacher: Ok, let’s try it again. Remember you can’t let go of the clutch completely when you’re first pushing on the gas.
(Car sputters, lurches forward, makes us believe the car will explode and then dies.)
Patient...
New theme. Same crap.
I got a new theme! Exciting. The one I decided on is by langer, which shouldn’t be surprising since according to what I’ve been told by my thoughts, he’s a man with a blog worth reading.
So do yourself a favor and stop by, won’t you? Bask in the grey background. Cheer when you see how many notes each one of my dick jokes received.
It’s a good day to be alive.
That's why I once married a woman in Belize
“After going AWOL for seven days, Gov. Mark Sanford admitted Wednesday that he’d secretly flown to Argentina to visit a woman with whom he’d been having an affair.”
(via AP)
The governor said the affair was initially just an excuse to say “Arrrr-hen-teeeeena” a lot. Asked why, he replied, “because it is the most fun word to say with an accent.”
Sharingtime's Mailbag
Dear sharingtime,
Why do some women insist on using the phrase “my man” to describe their significant other?
Sincerely,
Confused In Texas
Dear Confused In Texas,
Because “that dude I smother” isn’t as catchy.
Sincerely,
sharingtime
Suggested new names for Jon & Kate Plus 8
Now that they’re divorcing, the show needs a new title. Here are my suggestions:
Jon & Wine Plus 9 (when it’s Jon’s turn to take care of the kids, he swigs from a bottle of a ‘82 Bordeaux; it becomes so ubiquitous the youngest children consider it a sibling)
Weight & Kate Plus 8 (Kate struggles with eight different eating disorders and children, pushing her sanity...
What I tell my friends about the album I just bought: I bought this album called Hoopenstachen by a band called Flugenhargen from Greenland. They sound like Sigur Ros, but they’re way more ethereal. They’re on a tiny label called Moofensluupen out of Fligenhaaper. They release all their albums on 7” vinyl that can only be heard on a $5,000 record player made specifically for the...
In the future, a pre-war apartment will refer to...
I would've been better off typing...
I just tried to type “awwwwww” but my fingers found the keys next to it on the keyboard and instead I typed “seeeeeee.”
It was a little awkward because this was the IM conversation:
Friend: I’m pregnant!!!!!!!
Me: Seeeeeeeeee
Friend: See what? You can tell I’m pregnant or something? Or are you taunting me? Like “see, I told you so? Sex makes you...
Watchjoewengert:
Here is a video I wrote for UCBComedy and made with Harrison Brown out here in LA. One of the real Pizza Hut pizzas I bought had a hair on it! Way to go, Pizza Hut!
I wonder if evangelical virgins at a Purity Ball...
Are there really not enough descriptive terms...
ESPN Announcer: Now as a right-handed pitcher who gets torched by left-handed batters, is that where the addition of that cut fastball can really come in handy?
ESPN Color Commentator: *baseball answer blah blah blah*... and he's been soft ever since then. He's getting raped.
Pool Repartey!
My apartment overlooks a pool. Not a particularly popular pool, but a pool that does the job. It’s filled with chlorinated water and gives you a place to hit on girls. More on that later.
When I moved in, I worried that the sounds of grown men doing cannonballs and people sunning themselves (which makes the noise Ssssssssszzz) would force me to adopt a perpetual Jack Black-ian visage of...
"Your parents are disappointed in you!"
It was 6:30 AM. The parking lot was dead quiet, except for two skater kids rolling by. Both had long hair and looked about 15. I was walking to work and had a laptop bag and looked even dorkier than usual. I had a feeling they’d say something to me.
“Hail Satan!” the younger one shouted. “Lucifer will take your blood and spread it all over you!”
Oh, kids....
“I think what got John is he switched from Marlboros to Merits.”
– Bill Murray on Belushi’s death, from Tom Davis’ book
My couch and I have a platonic relationship
In 6th grade, my friends and I spent took turns jumping off the arm of a couch onto the cushions to mimic what we’d do to a pretty classmate if she were there. My guess is that we thought that belly flopping on someone was an act with inherent eroticism.
I wonder if one of those dudes, now in his late twenties, has a couch fetish and he can’t quite figure out why. I bet he baits his...
He's a doctor, he should know better
Neil Patrick Harris is in the news. He denied that he’s going to adopt a baby with his domestic partner. Asked why, he said, “We’re still trying to conceive.”
WatchThe Daily Show did a piece last week on people in Long Island who want it to secede. It gets really good towards the end.