August 2009
Watchjoewengert:
This is a video I wrote that the NY division of UCBComedy did an awesome job with.
Kula performed this with me at CDR Sketch in LA, and independent of that knowledge, Will Hines cast the Kula-esque Tim Martin in the same part. WEEEEEIRD.
July 2009
About going to a wedding in Texas
Chris: Do you have cowboy boots?
Sharingtime: I have a condom with spokes.
“According to a new survey that just came out, people who own two or more cats...”
– Conan O’Brien
I'm going to grow a beard that will make Zach...
The first few words of outdated jokes that I never...
So, the Olympics, right? They’re in China this year and…
Can you believe Bill Clinton?
I was walking to my favorite store, Circuit City.
So, the Olympics, right? They’re in Atlanta this year and…
New Coke is crazy!
So, the World Cup, right? They’re in Germany this year and…
I write a lot of jokes about sporting events.
Sharingtime's Mailbag!
Dear Sharingtime,
My girlfriend just left me. I feel horrible. I feel worse than horrible. I thought she was going to be the one, but she didn’t feel the same way.
How can my life go on without her?
Sincerely,
Sad in Sheboygan
Dear Sad in Sheboygan,
I don’t know! I don’t know! Never? Tomorrow? Why don’t girls love us? Why are we incapable of being loved the way we...
Crying at Your Desk™! Try it today!
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“He’s one of those people who don’t need much, much less much more.”
– from Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
I am the next Don Draper
“Major media spending on the brand [Wendy’s] totaled $275 million last year, according to Nielsen.”
(via Mediaweek)
Is it just me or might Wendy’s be better off spending $10 million to nationally advertise their “Wendy’s is giving away $265 million worth of hamburgers” promotion. I think everyone would talk about Wendy’s and their stores would get...
Jack White has been in more bands in the past year...
Do you think there are old women who move from...
What the press secretary meant to say was...
“The President will drink Bud Light. As I understand it — I have not heard this, I’ve read this, so I’ll just repeat what I’ve read, that Professor Gates said he liked Red Stripe, and I believe Sergeant Crowley mentioned to the President that he liked Blue Moon.”
- White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs
(via HuffPo)
Let me translate.
“The President...
Times in everyday life when it can be sort of...
When you are getting a haircut you can tell will turn out particularly well
When a waiter is pouring you an expensive glass of Chardonnay
When someone has jumped in the air and you want to encourage them to somehow jump higher even though they’ve already jumped and there’s not much they can do at that point
When you are watching an M. Night Shamalayan movie and there is five...
“Yet I love Passover Seders all the same. I treasure the sense of tradition that...”
– Nathan Rabin, from his new memoir, The Big Rewind
I just started this. So far so good. And I have no idea what he’s talking about. Never dated a shiksa in my life.*
*This is a lie. Sorry mom.
I mostly date model-types. My last girlfriend...
Adam Duritz once boned the NBC peacock
Counting Crows is playing a show in my city tonight. That means I only have a few hours to put my hair into dreads, date Courteney Cox in the 90s and sing every song so differently than I do on the album to render it unrecognizable. Oh, and he dated Jennifer Aniston too.
Do you think as Duritz was making his way through the cast of Friends that David Schwimmer ever wondered if he would be next?
At a certain point, you run out of corners to...
“Devastated that Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up before I could...”
– Michael Ian Black
I wasn’t a huge Stella or State fan, but so far I’m really liking Michael & Michael Have Issues… which means it won’t be on TV for much longer.
The opening line to my new book, "The Great Big...
milquetoastintolerant:
sharingtime:
I felt out of place at the party, like an adult in an orthodontist’s office.
I’m sorry to be pedantic, but that’s technically a simile.
That’s why it’s a horrible metaphor. It’s such a bad metaphor it’s a simile.
The opening line to my new book, "The Great Big...
I felt out of place at the party, like an adult in an orthodontist’s office.
I don't have a Facebook account, but my dick does.
So far my hand is its only friend.*
*They’re frenemies.
(I’m not feeling inspired to write about much these days, so if you’re not a fan of dick jokes, I’d recommend hitting that unfollow button.)
I thought I heard a Katy Perry song on the radio,...
I'm a Jew.
So if anyone needs an organ transplant, you know who to email. Challah atcha boy.
“Your beard is hiding it, but your chin points right.”
– it’s better if you don’t know who said this
I’m just glad he didn’t feel the need to comment on the direction other parts of my body were pointing.
I call my dick Waldo because it takes the ladies a...
(‘My dick is tiny’ jokes are the new ‘my dick is big’ jokes.)
This post has been censored
My friend Marie told me the other day that in Texas, the hit song “Birthday Sex” is censored so that the song becomes “Birthday _____.” That got me thinking. If The Beatles were a modern pop group, how would radio censor their songs?
“Happiness is a Warm Sun”
“Very Attractive Sadie”
“We Can Work It Out Without Resorting to Violence”
...
How to fight loneliness? Smile all the time.
I really like the new Firefox browser’s Start Watching Porn Start Private Browsing feature. It allows me to watch pornography without annyone ever finding out gives me a sense of security. I watch it because I am lonely can surf the web confidently now. I should probably interact with people in person sometime spend a lot of time on the web, so this sort of feature is important to have.
I...
I am going to eliminate this book from the map
I’m a little behind where I’m supposed to be in the Infinite Jest book club this summer, so I’m playing catch-up tonight. It reminds me of high school when I’d feel guilty if I didn’t have the reading done for English class (every other class could suck my left nut when it came to required reading, also, my left nut is the one I favor when a picture is taken of me).
...
You know how some guys will get a tattoo of their...
I wouldn’t write a girl’s name in Sharpie on the sole of a pair of sneakers I’m about to throw away.
Don't be fooled!
Match.com is not the arsonist dating site you think it is. It’s for people who don’t like arson too.
A man in 2009 finally comes to terms with what...
So even though you used a double negative vis-à-vis you ain’t no hollaback girl, you were not trying to say that you are a hollaback girl, which is what a double negative implies. You were actually trying to say that you are not a hollaback girl.
Next time, please refrain from using double negatives so that it does not take me four years to decode what you are trying to tell me. Also, I had...
I don’t want to seem desperate when I’m emailing a young lady back, so I timestamp every email a year in the future. Not only does it make me seem cool and uncaring, but she might think I’m from the future.
Or a hippie White Russian without the vodka
I made what I’m calling a Kahlua Berkeley last night. It’s Kahlua and rice milk over ice. It was lactose-freetastic! (Actually, it was pretty good as rice milk doesn’t have the nasty aftertaste like soy milk. It goes down easy. Finishes smooth. Has drinkability. Tastes great. Less filling. It will give you a reach-around, but remember to call you in the morning. Yeah, folks....
Opening up my Dell laptop at this coffeeshop made...
What's so funny bout peace, love and... stab...
“The men and women told officers they’re members of the Rainbow Family — a loose-knit band of hippies that preaches love, tolerance and peace and hold large gatherings every July…
This year’s Rainbow gathering was held in Cuba, N.M., from July 1-7. About 10,500 people and their pets gathered for the week-long party in the Jemez Mountains in the Sante Fe National Forest,...
I don't wanna brag, but my Blackberry shakes and...
(My balls are called Alcatraz because they’re a tourist attraction.)
To capitlize on Flo Rida's success, I'm becoming a...
I will write songs that subtly refer to blowjobs. They will be very popular with people who are dumb (i.e. most people).
Lee Batali
I feel like I’m one break-up away from gaining 200 lbs, wearing Crocs and eating my way through Italy.