September 2009
State of the Record Industry and Music I...
yourdp:
*snip*
Another band I place in a similar genre and sound of FoB is Brand New. Still a little bit angry at there parents for god knows what but able to produce some good music from this misunderstood angst - borderline emo and strong enough to hide the tears. Works for me. These were all promising factors as I was greatly anticipating their upcoming album to be released this month called...
August 2009
“I would like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her. But I...”
– Larry David on his future plans if he doesn’t do an eighth season of Curb (via EW)
A snippet from a date I had on Friday night
Me: So you want to go back to my place?
Her: Not really.
Me: I’ll give you forty-one dollars if you do.
Her: Why not just forty?
Me: Because you’re worth it.
We’re getting married next week!!!!!
Happy Monday!
Work hard at the burger grill. Flip those meat-based patties like no human has ever flipped before. Get promoted to middle management. Oversee young minorities working hard for little pay and eke out a meager salary yourself. Watch people eat alone when they’re alone and eat alone when they’re together. Have that contribute to your opinion that love is temporary. That we’re all...
Everyone uses Gmail. Take advantage.
Since all cool people use gmail and most people use their names for their email address, this means you can email celebrities directly now! I now present to you randomly selected celebrity email addresses:
drmeredithgray@gmail.com
drcristinayang@gmail.com
drizziestevens@gmail.com
dralexkarev@gmail.com
drmirandabailey@gmail.com
drgeorgeomalley@gmail.com
bobsaget@gmail.com
Have fun emailing...
1 tag
I just took a Cialis, Viagra and Enzyte at the...
If you need me, I’ll be busy fucking my old wife in matching bathtubs while some musicians play Elvis tunes with modified lyrics behind us whilst I have a really creepy smile on my face.
(Apparently those are all signifiers that help American men of non-boner having age want to take such pills. It sure worked on me, as you can tell from the above description of what I’m doing. I guess...
Things I have made today
thewordunheard:
krankmills:
caterpillarcowboy:
dosomethingprettywhileyoucan:
Poundcake Macerated strawberries with bitters A roasted chicken with potatoes and onions Squash A mess Four pints of okra pickles
Fresh basil, cherry tomato, and goat cheese frittata for breakfast. Bok choy, corn, peas, onion, and egg fried rice for dinner.
Eggs with salsa & tapatio hot sauce over baked corn...
Listen
On self-fulfilling prophecies
As I was walking towards the bus station, I noticed a bunch of ne’er-do-wells loitering. One was pushing another in a shopping cart, but NOT for the purpose of shopping. I heard snippets of conversation.
“Stop being a little bitch!”
In my head, I thought, “What are these guys, twelve year olds?” only to discover as I got closer, that they were, in fact, twelve year...
“After he lifted up roll after roll of fat, he finally was able to expose to her...”
– from my new novel, “Erotic Short Stories about the World’s Fattest Man”
I hope this song starts a craze, the kind of song...
Country music: lost the girl because you got drunk and cheated on her and now she’s beating the shit out of your pickup truck
Pop music: crush on a girl; if all goes well, perhaps engage in birfday sex with her
Rap music: fucking the girl and all her friends while bottles of Cristal are poured on top of everyone
Polka music: probably about girls, but no one’s listening to actually...
“Earthlings are the great explainers, explaining why this event is structured as...”
– Slaughterhouse-Five by Vonnegut
Next year's big tour! Be there!
Verizon Wireless Presents the Honda Civic World Tour of the Black Eyed Peas Brought to you by Coke Zero and Gap Jeans, Sponsored by Victoria’s Secret and Whatever Product It Is That Makes Fergie’s Face Look Like That
Crazy love
It was one of those moments I’ll always remember. We were at her favorite restaurant. It was her birthday. And as luck would have it, our song came over the speakers: Van Morrison’s “Crazy Love.” There was so much smiling at our table we must’ve looked demented.
“You look great,” I said.
“Thanks, honey,” she cooed.
“I have something to...
Price check on a cheeseburger in paradise
So you’re walking around the supermarket and they’re playing music. Perhaps it’s that song “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life.”
And you’re browsing the cereals and enjoying the shit out of this song. But then the stupid supermarket announcement has to come on! It’s the worst. “Cleanup in Aisle 4, we need a cleanup in Aisle 4”… and...
“Say “yes.” In fact, say “yes” as often as you can. When I was starting out in...”
– Stephen Colbert’s Address to the Graduates | Media and Technology | AlterNet (via heyjb) (via coreybrown) (via anthonyking)
I'm not realitygenic either.
Anyone want four free tickets to Comix this...
Hey everyone. Comix in NYC called me today to give me four free tickets to their shows this weekend. Email me at itssharingtime at gmail and they’re yours.
Pick a date/time:
Lavell Crawford* Friday, 8 and 10:30 Saturday, 8, 10:30 and 12
*He is an obese African-American who will no doubt be exploring race and weight issues. There will be lots of cursing. He is popular on the youtubes.
Pregnant women shouldn't smoke unless they want to...
I didn’t think I saw what I thought I saw, but I definitely saw it. No joking. I saw a pregnant woman smoking. Like, I confirmed that she was not overweight and actually was pregnant (I carry around an ultrasound machine) and that she was smoking a cigarette (I watched her inhale). Really, she was not overweight. She done had a baby up in there.
Now there’s something you don’t...
Notes my therapist takes as I talk to her
So my therapist takes a lot of notes when I speak. It always bothered me. What the hell is she writing about when I’m talking? So I broke into her office last night and stole them. Here’s an excerpt:
Whine, whine, whine. Oh, I know. Your life is so sad. It must be all that food, shelter and supportive family you have that’s making you miserable. Waaaa waaaa. My name is Lee and...
Aww SHIT I got a MOTHERFUCKIN conference call UP...
I hand out a brochure entitled, "So You've Decided...
As I get hit on a lot when I go on campus these days, I thought I’d put together a quick FAQ so I don’t have to keep answering the same questions all the time.
How do you do it?
I don’t know. Good genes. I eat right. And I found a pair of jeans that fit me well.
So when can I hit it?
Slow down, tiger.
No, seriously. I’m a very attractive woman and we should have sex.
...
“I know what I’m doing, ok?”
– an attractive, 30-something married woman to me at an extremely informal charity poker game, after she beat me in a hand
This comment was completely unprompted and dead serious. That poor lady. I don’t think she’s smiled in a while. I can’t wait to get married and have kids and...
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
My email to my boss: Woke up with a sore throat. Working from home today. Available all the usual ways.
The response from my boss: Yuck. Sorry to hear it. Hope it doesn’t turn into something worse.
My reply: Shit. It turned into AIDS. I’m going to be out tomorrow too.
And boy are her arms tired.
“Stoners may be trading sexual highs for the chemical kind. Males who smoke marijuana daily are four times more likely to have trouble reaching orgasm than men who don’t inhale, finds a new study of 8,656 Aussies.”
(via NewScientist)
I think they cut off part of the sentence:
Males who smoke marijuana daily are four times more likely to have trouble reaching orgasm than men...
“Why do many parents who seem relentlessly bent on producing children who feel...”
– from Infinite Jest by DFW
Thanks?
It took me a while to get used to people saying thank you to the bus drivers as they exit the bus here in Colorado. Now I’m doing it too. I’ve never said thank you to a bus driver in my life. In New York, there’s an unspoken rule about not talking to other human beings on public transit, transit employees being no different.
The words feel weird coming out of my mouth. I’m...
Mostly about Gossip Girl, Twilight and the...
I just got my phone bill from July. I spoke to one person for 14.7 hours.
“You want to come over to my room, play Gamecube and listen to Jack Johnson?”
– a bro from the University of Colorado to a girl way out of his league
(He was not kidding. He did not say this in a deadpan way. For the record, she politely declined and said she was more of a Guitar Hero kind of girl. I was tempted to ask her, “Want to come over to my apartment? No games....
I'm in love!
with this town
with starting over
with these mountains
with dick jokes (no homo)
with being able to express myself
with a new beginning every single day I wake up
with changing my mind all the time about what will make me truly happy
with the knowledge that in less than a year I won’t remember writing this and that I’ll have written more and experienced more and grown more
...
If I were to theoretically get my dick stuck in the garbage disposal while I was doing the dishes, how would I theoretically explain this to the girl I just made dinner for who is sitting in my living room now?
Thx for the help.
Sent via wireless by AT&T
An extract from the forthcoming This Mitchell and... →
(via alextypical)
Attention Peep Show fans. Also, is there anyone who has seen Peep Show who hasn’t liked it? I think it’s impossible to dislike.
Avett Brothers - Will You Return?
This was one...
Liveblogging from the Avett Brothers show
Everyone here either has a beard or is a hot girl. I’m thankful to have a beard.
This crowd is ready for some folk music. The girls have burned their bras and the guys have not bathed for weeks in preparation.
I know I mentioned earlier that every dude has a beard, but it’s worth re-mentioning. One dude has a handlebar moustache that I couldn’t grow even if I had gone through...
First chapter of David Cross' new book (opens a... →
The book is called I Drink for a Reason and is available in fine bookstores and libraries across this great land. (via the comic’s comic)