September 2009
I'm on a bus filled with middle schoolers.
Note to self: do not get on a local bus the exact moment school gets out.
I just got a flashback to myself on the bus in middle school. I’m wearing sweatpants, for sure. Blue ones. And probably wondering why that girl from homeroom lied to me about liking me when she really liked my friend Jon. Why does everyone like Jon?!?!!?! And why is so much of life just not FAIR?
I’ve grown...
“I think I deserve a title change to reflect the hard work I’ve put in...”
– me, to my boss
It was not a sentence I planned on saying at any point in my life. I’m not sure why I said it, as I did not believe it. I have not worked hard, though I’ve outperformed most everyone. I do not care about a change in title, though I deserve one.
I only want what is not...
David Cross is funnier than all of us
I’d post some things he said last night, but he has a bit where he makes fun of people who blog about his material soooooo… suffice it to say he absolutely killed for about an hour and a half. Remaining tour dates are here if you’re interested (Chicago, Philly, DC, Boston, Austin).
For his encore, he played six minutes from a pilot called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd...
Pool hustlin' is my game.
It’s a pool hall in Denver at 10:30 on a Tuesday night. The place is half full, mostly populated with drunks and people who play pool. I haven’t played in years. So it’s a little surprising when I line up my first shot, hit the cue ball across the table and sink the striped ball. A perfect shot. Then I sink a second ball. Perfect again.
And then my brain switches on. In my head,...
Live from the David Cross show
People here are dressed like the second or third Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, which is to say, retarded cloned versions of original trash from South Williamsburg. At least they have good taste in comedians.
I’m proud of myself for coming up with a MIchael Keaton reference not involving Beetlejuice. Overly proud, some might say.
So remember when Michael Keaton was like,...
I'm thereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
It was announced today that Jon & Kate Plus 8 will be renamed Kate Plus 8. Jon, meanwhile, has announced he’ll be taping a show of his own called I’m Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
No word on what the show will be about, but the guess is at least one episode where he smokes and rides on an ATV and another episode where he hooks up with sluts and looks fat in designer...
It is among the most popular songs doctors listen...
What is “Into the Mystic”?
Correct! (wiki)
The other songs:
“Oh Fuck, I Can’t Believe I Have To Cut Open This Human Being” by Black Eyed Peas
“Heart Surgery Is Tough” by Huey Lewis and the News
and
“I’ve Been Awake for 37 Straight Hours And Now I’ve Gotta Reconstruct This Guy’s Knee?” by Dr. Bob and The Inevitable...
A bookshelf is a nerd's trophy case.
File under: things that confound me.
The Jets are 3-0. There’s no joke here. I just wanted to type the Jets are 3-0 and see if Jesus decided he wanted to come back or not.
I’ll wait.
Nope, still no Jesus. I guess the apocalypse isn’t going to happen. Ok, this is really confusing.
It's tough to raise a kid these days.
I watched someone say the F-word on SNL last night. I was shocked, so I took a break from making love to a prostitute, doing copious amounts of blow and killing a ne’er-do-well, and I called the FCC to complain.
“How dare she say that when there might be kids around!” I said, as I handed my obese* five year old son another can of Red Bull** and a razor***.
*He doesn’t...
There are 75,000 apps on the iPhone, none of which...
I'm pretty sure Brandon Jacobs' celebration dance...
1 tag
Supermarket Sweep enters the real world
Look at the total of the person in front of you. When they’ve checked out and it’s your turn, say to the cashier, “Let’s see if we can beat [the amount the other person spent].”
Make sure to look as serious as possible. Ask the cashier what their guess for how much your food should cost. Then make your own guess.
I also asked the bagger, a cute girl who guessed...
“It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, loud, slow,...”
– from DFW’s commencement address (via WSJ)
I was saving this until I finished Infinite Jest to read it. Not sure why. Really beautiful stuff.
“This is water,” is a great phrase to repeat to yourself when you get stuck in shitty situations, as this guy discovered.
I thought I saw the dorkiest person I'd see all...
Guys, this was so ironic!
So today I meet the woman of my dreams… and then I meet her beautiful wife. It was so ironic because gay people are abominations!
(Alanis told me so.)
Just sayin.
lifeisdelicious:
sharingtime:
Yeah, I’m going to return a book to the library a day late. WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
It’s Yom Kippur on Monday, so this weekend I’m getting FUCKED UP and doing some CRAZY SHIT I can repent about.
It’s not in my nature to be critical, and I’m super fond of my Tumblrmates, but I don’t believe this is in the spirit of the holiday…
*looks up from snorting huge...
Yeah, I'm going to return a book to the library a...
It’s Yom Kippur on Monday, so this weekend I’m getting FUCKED UP and doing some CRAZY SHIT I can repent about.
Realization
krankmills:
The brunette from Community also plays Pete Campbell’s wife on Mad Men.
Oh, I know that feeling. It took me about halfway through the Community premiere to come to that realization. At first, I thought I just knew her from New York.
1960’s New York, as it turned out.
It's not going to stop till you wise up.
Now I get it! All the laughs missing from the two combined hours of The Jay Leno Show and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon* were put into their new show Community! That scene last night with Aimee Mann’s song from Magnolia playing while they were doing their presentation had me short of breath.
*Seriously, only The Office has more awkward silences.
“I’m not carefree, no. I’m free to care, I just never do.”
– from “Ahead of the Curve” off of Monsters of Folk’s new album
Read all about it!
When I lived in NYC, I’d wake up and turn on NY1 and let the dry wit of handsome Canadian Pat Kiernan give me the local news. Now when I turn on the TV here, I get very different news stories. Observe!
Local news in Colorado: woman attacked by elk
Local news in NYC: confirmed syphilis cases in Manhattan reach 1.6 million
Don't tell pee on my leg and tell me it's raining,...
Unless you’re one of them talkin’ dogs!
Uppance, prepared to get come!
I’ve never sent a “fuck you” email my entire life. I don’t really get angry enough at anyone to warrant that sort of response. But then last night happened! I sent one! And now that I’ve done it once, I’m juiced. I want to do it again. So here it is, an open “fuck you” letter to Goldie Hawn:
“Dear Goldie Hawn,
Fuck you, Goldie Hawn!
...
Stream 'I And Love And You' in its entirety →
Listen to the entire Avett Bros new album on NPR before it comes out on Tuesday. (via largeheartedboy)
The kid stays in the picture.
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that this generation must be the most narcissistic in human history. We’re obsessed with ourselves and how we’re perceived. We spend just as much time cataloging the meaningful moments of our lives as we do the things that make our lives meaningful. I am certainly not immune to this.
I’m wondering how the children of this...
You might ask, why would a man masturbate with...
And I might say, because I want people to think my dick summers in the south of France.*
*I left all my good jokes in Vegas. I swear once I get some sleep I’ll be more coherent.
“Not many people make money in the park. There’s a lot of green space with a few...”
– - Jordan Rohan on how social media is like Central Park :) (via rosiesiman) (via peterwknox)
I’ve got a good one! Social media is like snap bracelets. Everyone had one back in the 90s but now we all use twitter. Right guys? Right?
Can someone wake me when this is all over?
Post-Coital Vestibulitis
I wrote some pick-up lines using references to Infinite Jest a little while back. Then last night, to my surprise, I read two pick-up lines used by a character.
You’re the second most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, the first most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen being former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
If you come home with me I’m unusually confident that I...
Diane always wins.
From the creators of the extreme survival show Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel and the extreme eating challenge Man vs. Food on The Travel Channel comes a new show… Man vs. Woman!
(Cut to a man sitting alone in an empty apartment. Someone has clearly moved out.)
Man: How could you do this to me, Diane?
Man sobs uncontrollably.
Man: You win, Diane. You win.
Tune in next week to...
I recently saw Gran Torino and I'm pretty sure...
Rules for my unlaid son
Check for a wedding ring BEFORE you ask her what she’s doing after the party (since people your age can be married). Then when you see the ring, don’t go, “Oh, fuck. You have a husband? I was so trying to bone you and now I’m not gonna get to. Daaaaaaaaaaamn.”
Feckin right he wouldn't
I sit next to a dude about my age in a good mood. We're at the blackjack table and have been making small talk. He has an accent, but I can't tell from where.
Me: Where you guys going later?
Him: Ghost Bar probably.
Me: Cool. I was just up in the Sky Suite for a party. The views are insane up there. It's $25,000 a night to rent it out.
Him: Wow.
Me: I think the ladies would flock if you told them you had that room for the night.
Him: Oh definitely. I'd trade my Northern Irish accent for that suite. It'd help me out more with them.
Me: No it wouldn't.
Him: You're right. I wouldn't trade it at all. (laughs hysterically)
Seriously, it's not even fair.
Twifish twittacos.
I’ve never had fish tacos before, but I’m trying them tonight!
(This post was so pointless I felt like I was posting it on twitter via my twitterberry or my tweetdeck or up in my tweetapartment or wherever in the tworld I happen to be. It’s a twitter world, folks. We just tweet in it.)
CEOs are people too.
Co-worker: That CEO lost his job.
Me: I think he'll be fine. He probably got a sweet severance.
Co-worker: Yeah, he did. Nine months worth.
Me: That's it? How is he expected to afford his Ferrari payments when those nine months are up, huh? How is that supposed to work? What about his wife, who deserves only the finest linens to fuck the poolboy on? And the kids. HAS ANYONE THOUGHT ABOUT THE KIDS? Last I heard, they were forced to drive early model Lincoln Navigators. Lincoln has since released new models! Unconscionable!
Co-worker: You didn't say all that in real life.
Me: I know, I'm exaggerating for effect on my blog. I am well aware of what I'm doing.
Co-worker: You sicken me.
Me: The first part of this conversation happened though! It did!
Co-worker: True. You know what else is true?
Me: What?
Co-worker: You're the best, Lee!
Me: Thanks.
Co-worker: I never said that either!
Me: Here we go again.
It will not surprise you that this man had...
Guy at the same conference I am: Man, there sure are a lot of hot broads here.
Me: Yeah man, I'd sure like to bone these hot bitches and then tell them to get the fuck out of my room so I can have a nice post-sex cry.
Guy: Huh?
Me: You know what I'm saying! The ole "fuck and cry!" You bone em and then you cry about it. Yeah. Straight baller, yo.
Guy: I think you need help, man.
Me: Naw dude, it's pretty normal.
I begin to cry.
(what actually happened)
Guy: Man, there sure are a lot of hot broads here.
Me: Yeah.
Girthy!
Every man here has a tucked in shirt, which means it is immediately obvious upon meeting someone how often they work out. I’ve classified people into three classes:
“I work out everyday. I would be at the gym right now if it weren’t for this stupid conference. I could bench press an elephant on a planet where everything weighs twice as much as it does on Earth. I am flexing...
