January 2010
Anonymous asked: If asked to compare your penis to a classic piece of art, what would it be?
Lines that would work on the girls at this concert
“My curfew’s not till 1 and I’ve got a ton of cigarettes.”
“I got my real license. Not even just a learner’s permit anymore.”
“My friend’s brother can get us beer if you want.”
“I’ve got a tumblr and I post pictures of emo lyrics with a forest backdrop. You’d like my blog.”
“My friends and I are...
“I’m the only guy here with dreads, probably.”
– a guy next to me at the concert
And the award for the “Least Impressive Distinction in the Universe” goes to that one guy with dreads at this concert.
The tale of two chubby, balding, bearded men
There are two couples within two feet of me. One is a chubby, balding, bearded man with a girl way out of his league. He’s kissing her. They’re having a great time. She looks at him the way a girl looks at you either if you’re extremely attractive or if she’s in love with you. In this case, it’s the latter.
There’s another chubby, balding, bearded dude next to...
Live from a Brand New concert pt. 1
So Lee, how much does wearing plaid correlate with being a disaffected high school student out with his five dude friends for a night on the town? Well, judging from the clumps of dudes in all around me… quite a bit.
I may be the only person at this show with a 401(k). Or knows what the fuck a 401(k) is.
I’m the only person here who showered. I actually had to move because one dude...
The question I ask myself about every single...
“What are you, five years old?”
marleymarley asked: If your nose absolutely had to be placed somewhere else on your body, where would you have it moved to and why?
Anonymous asked: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
I'm going to sleep. Tuck me in with a question. →
“It seems too obvious to say, but it’s a lesson some still need to learn:...”
– from an actual article on physical contact at work (via MSN)
Before reading this article:
“Hey, Lee. Can you come over here?” my boss asked.
“Sure, boss. What do you need?”
My boss grabs my penis and laughs.
I laugh uncomfortably.
“Oh, boss! You’re so crazy...
Sharingtime goes to a cooking class
Me: I made a delicious dish for the class to try!
Teacher: The class hasn't started yet. Please take your seat.
Me: Anyone? I slaved over this for hours!
Teacher: Is that a box of Easy Mac in your bag?
Me: I made this macaroni and cheese from scratch and if anyone would like to try it, they can.
Teacher: He may be serious. On second glance, it looks like the box in his bag actually says, "Easy, Mac" and is some sort of off-brand sleeping pill.
Me: *falls asleep face down into bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese*
Whereby I try to hire a hooker in Las Vegas
Hotel Operator: Operator. How can I help you?
Me: Yes, I'd like to order a hooker, please.
Hotel Operator: Sir, this is the hotel. We don't offer those services.
Me: Perhaps you could send someone to come to my room and talk to me? I'll pay them.
Hotel Operator: You don't need a hooker for that. You need a friend. And they're free.
Me: Ok, I'd like to order a friend, please.
Hotel Operator: I'm afraid you can't order friends. You need to make them. You don't have any friends?
Me: Not really.
Hotel Operator: Where do you try to meet people?
Me: Well, usually, I just walk up to someone and start singing "Why Can't We Be Friends" a few inches from their face.
Hotel Operator: And has that ever worked for you?
Me: Once, but later that night he tied me up, stole all my money and I never saw him again. I miss that guy.
Hotel Operator: You probably do need a hooker, then.
Me: That's what I was trying to tell you.
Hotel Operator: But we're the hotel. We don't offer them. *pause* I can have housekeeping come up and give you some extra towels or a toothbrush.
Me: Umm...
Hotel Operator: How about this? I'll get them to fashion the towels and toothbrush into a scarecrow-like human figure and then you can talk to it as if it were your friend.
Me: Can I tell people I ordered a hooker?
Hotel Operator: Of course you can.
Two hours later, the toothbrush/towel scarecrow and I were legally married!
To: Las Vegas, From: a fan
Dear Las Vegas,
I enjoyed your Asian warrior acrobatics (this was a show I saw and not something on the side of the road… though I’d be into that too), your delicious steaks + mashed potatoes with truffles and the winning hands you dealt to me on the blackjack table.
This was the first time I visited your city for only twenty-four hours. Normally I visit you for longer. I believe...
1 tag
Do you think when maids in Las Vegas watched The Hangover they couldn’t really enjoy it because they kept thinking about how much work would be required to clean that room up?
iPad? More like iDon’tNeedAnotherFuckingComputer.
(It is pretty though. Ok, off to lose a year’s worth of pay for the people who assemble the iPad at a blackjack table!)
It's cloudy outside, but pretty in here
Dear Aria Hotel and Casino,
Your lobby is gorgeous. Everything about you is so new! Then I walked in my room and I thought there was a ghost inside because the blinds parted as the door swung open. And then music started to play! And the TV turned on and my name was on the screen! It was like I was Mickey Mouse in Fantasia and my room was full of invisible brooms. The room is beautiful. Thank...
Rush me to my hotel
My Indian cab driver here in Vegas is listening to Rush Limbaugh. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has no idea what Rush is saying and is only listening because his voice is soothing. (Talk to me, Rush. Tell me things.)
I’ve listened to this for five seconds and learned that liberalism is the enemy of freedom. Good to know!
Sharingtime's Mailbag
Dear Lee,
Do you have a twitter account? If so, I’d like to follow you!
Sincerely,
[redacted]
Dear [redacted],
Nope! But you can follow all my short-form blog posts here at sharingtime.info. You can read my views on hamsters on the site HamsterChat.com. If you’d like to know more about my opinions on which pizza I like best here in Boulder, try LeesBoulderPizzaPicks.com. And...
Full Avett Bros. set on Austin City Limits →
There’s a nice “When I Drink” in this set. Enjoy.
It's been reported that the teen pregnancy rate is...
Two seeds, one taste sensation
“Stop accusing me of something I didn’t do!” she screamed at me.
I put the spoon down.
“You did though. We both know it. You had sex with my best friend that night you both got drunk when I was out of town,” I said plainly.
I picked the spoon back up and shoveled more granola in my mouth.
“You’re not even that mad,” she said. “Wait, why are...
Kidz Bop sing Nine Inch Nails!
It was only a matter of time before people who grew up with Nine Inch Nails started having children. Now they can share with their children the music of Trent Reznor without all those pesky curse words and suggestive content!
Enjoy songs like:
“We’re in This Together (When We Go Shopping At The Mall)”
“Hurt (I Have an Ouchie, But You Make It All Better, Mommy)”
...
It’s rumored that John Edwards has a sex tape. There have also been persistent rumors of a cave drawing with John McCain in a compromising position with a pterodactyl.
I feel naked
The girl who normally cuts my hair was out. Thus, I went with the girl taking her place. This is what transpired.
Me: Yeah, you can just trim my sideburns. I’m shaving anyhow. (Note: I have a full beard now.)
Her: Won’t that look weird?
(Huh? You look weird, lady.)
She completely shaves off my right sideburn. I stare in the mirror, feeling where my hair used to be. I say nothing....
They do what they want to do, say what they want...
MC Hammer recorded a song called “Addams Groove” for The Addams Family movie in 1991. I purchased the cassette single in a music store shortly after.
I have not listened to the song since that time, but I can still remember the chorus and can repeat it verbatim to this day.
This morning, when my co-worker told me he saw me this weekend out and about, I had no idea where he might have...
beautifulordinaire:
The babe has been on a hunger strike as we’ve been attempting to expand his food repertoire past the standard set list: fruit, cottage cheese, yogurt, oatmeal, crackers/chips/pretzels/cookies/cake, scones, muffins, cheerios and french toast. This morning I asked him if he would like an egg for breakfast and he answered Yesterday I had an orange and yogurt at my dad’s. I’m...
Smell you later
Dear dark-skinned men of indiscriminate origin speaking in a foreign tongue which resembles Arabic next to me at the bus stop,
There are only three of you. How do three people make an outdoor bus stop smell like the entrance to a Macy’s? Did you all just rub a year’s worth of GQ magazines on each other before you left the house? Did Derek Jeter get rich off of you buying so many...
It takes one to make a thing go right
“I can ride my bike with only one hand on the handlebars!” I told my friends at my seventh-grade lunch table.
“Big deal,” the coolest guy in our group said. “I can ride my bike with no hands.”
All my friends were more impressed with the cool kid. I had to think of something fast.
“That’s probably because your hands are down your pants playing with...
It was the best anniversary ever.
“Love is a lie and God is dead,” my five-year-old son told me as we took turns pushing each other on the swings.
“Why would you say that?” I asked him.
“My girlfriend broke up with me. We had been dating for six business days,” he said.
“Do the weekends not count?”
“No, they don’t. It’s only on days you see each other in...
I moved to Colorado exactly one year ago today
I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still the same old guy who subsists solely on GORP, composts like it’s his job, wears clothes from REI and visits national parks on three-day weekends.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue something from becoming extinct.
The Spice Girls have announced they’re writing a musical based on their chart-topping hits. The musical will be called, “We’re Too Old For This.”
Memories... (like in that musical about cats!)
Last night as I was watching Conan’s penultimate Tonight show, it dawned on me that I attended Late Night’s fifth anniversary show in New York. This was probably in 1998 or 1999.
I don’t remember much about the show other than that Triumph made an appearance, Adam Sandler ran through the audience and the clips they showed from the first five years were as funny as anything...
It's been proven by science
“Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,” my son sang as he was putting on his backpack to go to school.
“Did you just say ‘eyyyyyyyyy’ like the Fonz at the end of singing a really annoying Disney song?” I asked him.
“Yes,” he said.
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!
Whereby I play dodgeball and do not embarrass...
I’m a grown man standing in a high school gym in Nowhereville, Colorado in mesh shorts. How the hell did this happen?
I joined a dodgeball league with some friends. I was nervous going in. Competitive sports are not my forte. I haven’t played an organized sport since that one time in college we played touch football that turned into tackle football and I got hit so hard I quit...
You see what you want to see
My ex-girlfriend and I were emailing each other last night about me possibly taking a cooking class and I made a joke. Here it is:
You did teach me [how to chop vegetables properly]. That’s true. But I’m rusty. And not confident in the kitchen like I am in the bedroom. Am I right? High five? Why am I crying now?
She knew I was kidding, but she scathingly reprimanded me nonetheless....
WatchThis is a video of Will Arnett and Conan fucking around at rehearsal at the old show. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is the sort of thing that makes me happy to be alive.
There’s a “best of” rehearsal videos page here. Awesome.