December 2010
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2010 in 10 Things
Did stand-up for the first time, got a good response
Had sex for the first time with a garden gnome, got a good response from the authorities
Declared redundant from a job I had for a couple of years
Got a new job where I was expected to be creative all the time
Realized that being creative on demand is hard work, yo
Wrote in my dream journal while I was in a dream, ended up being trapped in...
All quiet on the home front
“That’s not how you spell phlegm!” I screamed at my wife.
“Oh no? Then how do you spell it?” she asked meanly.
“It’s p-h-l-e-g-m,” I said.
“That doesn’t make sense,” she replied. “It’s got a g where it doesn’t need to be.”
“Lots of things don’t make sense. How come you got a tattoo that...
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Natalie Portman’s pregnant, and I know it’s not my child because I am physically unable to maintain an erection. Other than that, I can think of no other reasons why it’s not mine.
Hollywood Story
Do you ever think it’ll happen that Lake Bell and Amanda Peet audition for the same part and the casting director’s like, “Wow, both of you are soooo good I want to hire you both!” and they’re like, “But that’s not possible!” at the same time because they kind of look like twins and I can’t be sure they’re not the same person, but then...
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My favorite books of 2010
I’ve never done of these before! ‘Twas a good year for reading, folks.
In no particular order:
The Unnamed by Joshua Ferris
Day for Night by Frederick Reiken
The Big Short by Michael Lewis
A leatherbound book solely containing photographs of Brett Favre’s sad genitals by Co-Authors Brett Favre’s Genetic Code And A Total Lack Of Shame
Honorable Mentions:
Kapitoil by...
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My favorite books of 2010
I’ve never done of these before! ‘Twas a good year for reading, folks.
In no particular order:
The Unnamed by Joshua Ferris
Day for Night by Frederick Reiken
The Big Short by Michael Lewis
A leatherbound book I made solely containing photographs of Brett Favre’s sad genitals by Co-Authors Brett Favre’s Genetic Code And A Total Lack Of Shame
Honorable Mentions:
...
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The Christmas Spirit
I don’t get how I’m “not being in the Christmas spirit” by dropping my pants and urinating on a Christmas tree while shouting, “I WISH THIS HOLIDAY DIDN’T EXIST!” in front of my extended family, only to realize my home doesn’t have a Christmas tree, my extended family stopped talking to me after I converted to the Na’avi religion, and besides,...
The loneliest day for Jews next year won't be on...
I think a more accurate title to the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” would be “My Parents Enjoy Roleplaying.”
WatchSince I just finished Mr. Martin’s newest book, I went back and watched his Colbert Report interview. So great. (Be sure to watch part 2 as well, which is even funnier, and can be found here.)
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Not so Def
When your friend is singing “Pour Some Sugar On Me” during karaoke one night, do not pour a jar of brown rice syrup on her as she’s singing. Yes, you were trying to both BE HILARIOUS and DO EVERYONE A FAVOR by promoting a healthier substitute for using sugar, but it is also very thick and difficult to get out of your hair.
It’s also really expensive. Next time I’m...
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They're gonna blow your mind
Oh man, I can’t wait for the apocalypse to happen because I have some awesome fucking tweets about it all saved up.
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You know, they say living well is the best revenge, but I say we need to give murder another look.
And the winner of the best opening line in an...
“Hi Lee,
‘Tis the season for feeling extremely single.”
Here’s what I wrote back:
“Hi [redacted],
I didn’t feel single until you emailed me. But luckily for me there’s the FOX hit Living Single starring Queen Latifah, now out on DVD, to help guide me through these tough times.
Sincerely,
Please Don’t Ever Fucking Email Me Again”
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Point taken.
True story.
I got back from food shopping the other night. I notice my extraordinarily attractive neighbor has left her keys in her door. I compose myself and knock on her door.
She answers it.
I point at her keys and smile. I don’t say anything. I just point. I’m not sure why. Sometimes I don’t like talking. Pointing or nodding gets the job done.
In any case, she smiles at...
I'm scared
I’ve found that women like it when you act vulnerable. That’s why whenever I’m on a first date with a woman, I immediately tell her all my fears and begin crying uncontrollably. But since I know listening to my fears for an hour and a half gets overwhelming, I now hand women bulleted lists. Here’s a selection:
that Eastbound and Down won’t get a third season
that...
Reblogz 4 dayzzzzzzzz
I hope Zooey Deschanel’s tumblr is one comprised solely of reblogs of pictures of herself at movie premieres.
That way she’ll be just as original as the rest of the community.
Mine. All mine.
I’m at the stage in my life where ex-girlfriends of mine now have children. “On purpose” children.
It’s interesting to look at pictures of those children and see my ex’s features combined with those of the men they’ve married. Not my features. Hold on.
That nose looks familiar.
What if by scientific fluke, my seed lay dormant in her for years and then at...
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Whereby I try to write a joke for Jay Leno
These airports nowadays have body scanners THAT CAN SEE YOU NAKED. Have you heard about this? Do you know about this? Some people though, are deciding to say no to the scanners and instead get a very thorough patdown. My wife Mavis went to the airport and got out of both! Yep. She said she had a headache.
What a horrible cunt!
