March 2010
Michael & Michael Have Issues is cancelled →
I don’t consider myself a huge fan of either Michael Showalter or Michael Ian Black, but I thought their show was hilarious. And now it’s been cancelled. Booooooooooooooooooooo.
February 2010
I wish Bush were still in office so he could...
If the children are our future, we are royally...
(I swear to you this is verbatim. It happened to a friend of mine, who is a librarian in a public school. She is British.)
Student: I hear you’ve got an English accent.
Her: Yes, I do.
Student: Then you must be from Germany.
With this leaf, I thee wed
I had cooking class last night. It was great fun. We were making french onion soup. My teacher added bay leaves.
“Remember everyone, don’t eat the bay leaves,” she said. “But if you get one in your bowl, you either get to make a wish OR kiss the chef!”
“I wish that I could kiss the chef!” the guy next to me exclaimed.
Everyone laughed.
“If I get...
Math problems
I was helping my son with his math homework when he stopped and looked at me.
“Daddy, is God real?” he asked sweetly.
“I don’t know, buddy. Some people say he’s real. Others disagree. I don’t believe in him, but it’s up to you to believe what you want to believe,” I said.
“I believe that the world is beautiful and that there is someone up...
The morning after I slept with the woman with two...
We were lying in bed. I stared into her two eyes.
“Pretty fun night, no?” I asked.
“No,” she said with her one mouth.
“Really? I’m pretty sure I pleased both your vaginas.”
“Actually, Lee, all of my vaginas were unsatisfied. You kept going back and forth between them like you were in an 80’s sitcom and had two dates in the same restaurant...
1 tag
Often and never
An email I’ve never received
Dear Lee,
Your posts are hilarious! I’m a single, appropriately aged woman who lives near you! I’m not crazy at all. Let’s get drinks soon, followed by intercourse. Intercourse as in talking. Not sex. We’ll save that for later… if you’re lucky.
Sincerely,
An attractive, appropriately aged single woman who lives near you
An...
So much to say
“What’re you listening to, honey?” my wife asked me.
“Oh nothing,” I said as I tried to hide my iPod.
She grabbed it from me. This was not going to be pretty.
“Well well! What do we have here?” she asked. “Oh, Lee. Is this the new Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds album, Live In Las Vegas? Ha! Are you and your frat boy buddies going to sneak some...
1 tag
Chatroulette: when you crave the experience of a...
Pick-up line I will not be using at the bar...
“So, what high school do you go to? Ha, just kidding. You don’t look that young. I’m not saying you look old, either! Oh man, gotta watch my tongue. Not that I watch my tongue in the mirror for an hour before I go to work every day. That’d be both unnecessary and creepy. Weirdly enough, “Unnecesssary and Creepy” were my senior superlatives in high school....
How I hope dodgeball will go tonight
Me: I’m really good at dodgeball!
Group of attractive ladies on the other team: We can tell by the way you got everyone out on our team except for us!
Me: Let’s call a truce. I don’t want to have to hurt you with how hard I throw the ball.
Group of attractive ladies on the other team: What else do you have that’s hard?
Me: (alluringly) I’ll give you one guess.
...
Modern love
“All of our agents are helping other customers. Please stay on the line and we will be with you shortly,” said the automated lady voice as music played in the background.
“I love you,” I said to her.
“All of our agents are helping other customers. Please stay on the line and we will be with you shortly,” she repeated.
“Did you hear me? I said, I love...
Lady Gaga's rough draft lyrics for "Bad Romance"
Roh
Ree
Rima
Aww
I would like to spend time with you holding hands at a Starbucks
It sure is fun to be in love
I can’t wait to have consensual sex with you once we are married
Let’s take some quizzes on eHarmony together to determine if we are compatible
I’m free to do whatever a man tells me to do
Je suis americain
I want the pleasure of your company
Crime and Punishment
I walked into the library with purpose. I was angry. Real angry. And the library was going to feel my wrath. I had a sack full of pennies on my person. I was going to pay my fine with them.
I could already see the look on the face of the librarian! She was going to have to count them out! I could taste victory.
“Yes, I’d like to return this dictionary, please,” I said with a...
It's a shame to see all that waste go to waste
Oprah hosted her show on a set made entirely of chocolate on Monday. Asked why, Oprah replied, “the set we made of American excess and over-consumption was destroyed when someone dropped a lit Parliament onto their Snuggie and everything within a five mile radius was burnt to the ground.”
Gentlemen, start your engines.
“I love you, daddy,” my five-year-old son said as he ran up to me and hugged me.
“I love you too, buddy,” I said and hugged him back.
“Do you love mommy?” he asked me.
“I used to,” I said.
“I’m sitting right here,” she noted, looking up from this month’s Cosmo.
“Oh, sorry. I still do. But if we think of my love for...
Overheard last night in upscale French...
Man on cell phone: You’re a five-star guy. You are. She likes you. *pause* Wear a sportcoat. For sure. *pause* A five-star guy, Mort! You are! Mort. Listen to me. She likes you. *pause* Yeah, call me later.
———
Have you told a Mort he’s a five-star guy today? No? Every day in America there are Morts who walk around unaware of how many stars they may be worth. All it...
That explains why the floors got mopped so quickly
I watched the USA men’s hockey team victory against Canada last night and was thoroughly impressed. Speaking of hockey, did you know that the reason Emilio Estevez’s character in The Mighty Ducks coached the team was because he got caught drunk driving and a judge sentenced him to do so?
I had no idea Disney was that edgy! Then again, I’m pretty sure Cinderella had to go on...
Whereby I recall a fashion trend of the 90's
Let me explain to you how it used to be when I was growing up. Guys in the 90’s wore button-down shirts, but they did not button them. That meant that you could see the t-shirt they were wearing underneath on purpose. That was two whole cool shirts men had to show off every single day.
I did not fall prey to this fashion trend simply because I did not have enough shirts (undershirts...
3 tags
I hear that after Rachael Ray dices a cucumber she...
making plans.
me: i am just seriously bummed about the body shop closing. i mean i really love the shea body butter they make, you know? it smells like....like summertime and deep dicking.
lee: that needs to be the title of your autobiography. i would buy the shit out that book.
("Summertime and Deep Dicking: Meghan's Story" could be what the Lifetime Original movie about your life is called. Who wouldn't watch that?)
Right?
I just got back from seeing Aziz perform in Denver tonight. He killed, as usual.
It almost made me forget that I was missing the tumblr reads event in New York. Hopefully some of it will be available online for all those who couldn’t attend! Right, guys? Right?
davidschiller asked: I would really like to see that stand up footy. Where's it at?!
Then and now
Skee-Lo in 1995: “I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ‘64 Impala.”
Skee-Lo in 2010: “I’ve come to terms with my height, the fact that I cannot play basketball and my inability to woo an attractive woman. I don’t know why I wanted a rabbit...
I watched the apology Tiger Woods gave this morning. I thought it was a weird ending to the speech when he said, “I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology… and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!”
I mean, he gave the speech in Florida....
One of these days I'm going to get sheveled
As I was leaving my home this morning, I passed a cute lady walking her dog. We locked eyes.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” she said.
Since there’s snow on the ground here, I’m wearing a large pair of boots with my jeans tucked into them.
“She probably thought I looked ‘adorably disheveled’,” the part of my brain that likes myself said.
...
1 tag
Anyone know the feeling where it’s overcast and snowing outside and instead of working you just play The National’s “Slow Show” over and over again in your headphones?
High five!
Last night, my team lost again in dodgeball. We are horrible. As we’re leaving the gym, my friend and I were talking to a lady team member whose husband does not participate.
“Why doesn’t he play dodgeball?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” my friend exclaimed. “He should play!”
“He’s shy,” she said.
“He sounds like a bitch,” I...
It's so crazy it just might work
“Akon isn’t just sticking to music, though. He’s moving ahead with a feature film project that he would star in, saying: “I just want it to be a movie with a great story, great cinematography, to a point where people are like ‘Wow, that was great. I didn’t expect that from him.’”
(via AP)
Noah Baumbach: Akon, I read your interview. I think...
311 songwriting meeting for "Amber"
Guy with spiky hair: Alright guys, let's write a song about a girl.
Guy with tattoos: Another one?
Guy with huge beard: How about a song about colors?
Tall guy: HOW ABOUT BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?
(Band celebrates by taking celebratory bong hits.)
This week is National Condom Week. Or as I like to call it, The Duane Reade Employees Know You Didn’t Visit Their Store at 2 AM Just to Awkwardly Buy Spearmint Orbitz Gum Week.
He's a killer DJ.
I had been away for a few days. The dynamic in the house had changed.
“So what’d you do this weekend?” I asked my son.
“I got wasted,” said the five-year-old.
I laughed. My wife, listening while acting like she was focused on the crossword puzzle, was not laughing.
“Oh, did you?” I asked him.
“I sure did. Mommy said it was cool.”
...
Jokes the 80's hack comedian inside of me thought...
“Man, going to the dentist is rough. I walked into the dentist office and he stuck me with a needle. AND THEN THE APPOINTMENT BEGAN! You guys in the ugly sweaters in the front row understand what I’m saying.”
“I’m telling you, getting that novocaine injection hurt! I haven’t been that hurt since my ex-wife took the kids! My one-bedroom apartment is super...
Time to go to the dentist!
When I get back, my jokes will be all about not being able to eat solid foods for a few hours.
Celebrate good times, come on!
“Yes, I’d like to be uncircumsized, please,” I said to the nice lady at the counter.
“First, this is a Home Depot. Second, gross. Third, why?” she asked.
“First, duh. You guys have the proper equipment. Second, no it’s not. Third, because I’m giving up being a Jew for Lent.”
“First, we sell goods and services to fix up your home, not...
And not just to go to a tournament.
CRAZY WEEKEND. I got my first 100% playing on the drums in Rock Band 2 and then got ANOTHER 100% a few songs later! These past two months I wondered what adjective Rock Band 2 would ascribe to not missing a note in a song. The word is flawless.
Tears streamed down my face as the word appeared on the screen. After pushing myself to the limit, drumming with all my heart, concentrating and feeling...
Clem Snide's new album streaming in its entirety →
I know what I’m doing for the next 45 minutes. (via largeheartedboy)
