March 2010
No shame
It’s been announced that $1 from each copy sold of Stephanie Meyer’s new novella set in the world of Twilight will go to the American Red Cross. You could say the American Red Cross is accepting blood money.
OH MAN THAT FEELS GOOD.
Grand opening, grand closing
All the cool nightclubs in the world all have one word names like Rehab and Tenjune and LAX. When I finally open my nightclub, I’m going to go in the opposite direction. My club will be called:
We’ve Got Drinks and Food and It’d Be Great If You Could Buy Bottles Because We Mark Them Up Like 300% But You Don’t Care Because You’re Trying to Impress That Girl with the...
Recess/gym
My son came home from school looking happier than he has in days.
“What happened at school today, little man?” I asked him.
“Well, this girl who broke up with me during recess last week just got dumped by her boyfriend in gym class in front of everyone!”
He clapped his hands.
“Wow,” I said. “You are really thrilled about this.”
“What goes...
Smile!
“I’m pregnant again,” my wife told me.
I laughed. “That’s a good one, sweetie,” I said. “But we already have a kid. No need for you to get pregnant again.”
“No,” she said. “I’m not kidding. I took like three tests. I’m pregnant.”
I put my head in my hands. This could not be happening. The only thing that could...
Worth it.
“You’re using a condom, right?” my girlfriend asked me as we undressed.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m putting it on right now.”
“Lee, the lights might be out, but I can see what you’re doing. You just wrapped your dick in Saran Wrap.”
“It’s actually a Saran Wrap brand condom. It’s said to be almost as effective as not...
Some days when I’m feeling particularly misogynistic, I’ll approach a woman in a supermarket checkout line who is buying generic-brand kitty litter and say to her, “Buying that kitty litter proves that you don’t love your cat. What makes this sadder is that your cat is the only one who will ever love you.”
Then I walk away.
Dead man walking
“I don’t want to throw away my blanket! IT IS MINE! I WILL DIE WITHOUT MY BLANKET!” my son shouted, inches from my face.
“I’m aware it’s yours, buddy, but I don’t think you need it anymore. You’re a big boy now!” I explained as I put his blanket in the trash.
“I am?” he asked.
“Sure you are! Big boys don’t need...
I predict a riot
MINNEAPOLIS, M.N. – Fans of the band Owl City rioted at the band’s concert on Friday night after an announcement was made that the band’s merch table ran out of those cute little buttons with the band’s name on them that the fans intended to pin to various clothing items and backpacks.
Followers of the band did not find this surprising as earlier this year the streets of Boise,...
Chomp, chomp, chomp
“I like kissing you,” I told my girlfriend last night in bed.
“What made you think to say that?” she asked.
“Well, I was hooking up with that girl at the bar on Saturday and she was horrible compared to you.”
She got up out of bed.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Just need to get my laptop,” she said.
She brought it over into bed...
misterfalcon asked: Do you find that being hilarious helps you net the ladies? Yeah, me neither.
Once more with feeling
My wife was knitting in the overstuffed chair we have in our den.
“Honey?” I asked her. “Can we talk for a second?”
“About what?” she replied, continuing to knit.
“About my feelings,” I said timidly.
She looked me straight in the eye and stabbed herself in the throat with the knitting needle. Before she bled to death, she pointed to the sweater...
foursquare jokes in different magazines
In The New Yorker: a drawing of two women in yoga class. One woman to the other, “You haven’t checked into Nirvana in a while.”
In Playboy: a drawing of a couple sitting in bed. The woman says to the man, “You haven’t checked into my pussy in a while.”
In Guns & Ammo: a drawing of two men in full hunting gear with guns in the woods. One man says to the...
I'd say things got off to a bad start when I put...
A community of settlers
“Daddy, this girl at school I like won’t pay attention to me,” my son told me.
“Oh no!” I exclaimed. “You know, there’s actually a long tradition of men in our family who cannot get the attention of women.”
“Really? What happened to you?”
“Well, I tried unsuccessfully to attract the attention of the prettiest girl I knew, but she...
What's happening?
What Usually Happens: you drunkenly send a sexually suggestive text message to a lady you recently hooked up with; you receive a drunken, sexually suggestive message in reply
What Sometimes Happens: you drunkenly send a sexually suggestive text message to a lady you recently hooked up with; you don’t receive a message back because she’s not interested in you anymore
What Happens to...
“The bodhisattva had encouraged him to look deeply into his reliance upon...”
– from The Unnamed by Joshua Ferris
Just found out foursquare has a Blackberry app! SWEEEEEEEEEEET.
Short circuit
We were in my bed.
“Keep doing that in that spot. I am going to have an orgasm,” she said, a bit too mechanically.
I looked into her eyes. They looked kind of dead.
“Tell me when you’re close,” I said in my sexiest voice, which I would later come to recognize as the same voice I use when I’m ordering pizza.
“I am. I am. I am. I am. I am,” she...
Alternate catchphrases the Full House writers...
“You have got it, dude!”
“Don’t be such a cuntface!”
“I’m out of cigarettes…. AGAIN!”
“I just shit my pants.”
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Also, cunt. I am an adorable child!”
“Who’s got Midol up in this bitch?”
“One day I will be a billionaire. One day.”
Times sure are tough
“The inmates are running the asylum!” a woman screamed as she ran out of the asylum for the criminally insane.
I ran up to her.
“Lady! Calm down! Why would you let the inmates do that?” I asked her.
She calmed down and looked at me.
“Budget cuts, mainly,” she said. Then she resumed running around and screaming.
Warning: for adults only
I got one of those sexy text messages from a girl last night. It was pretty hot. Here’s what it said: “Will I hug you for three hundred dollars? Sure, but only because I’m broke. I’m going to leave right after. You’re so creepy.”
Yeah. Sexy text messages.
I'm all tatted up
She was cute. I was going to have to use my best material. C’mon, Lee. It’s Friday night. Just walk up to the bar and say hello.
“Hey sexy lady,” I said. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Yeah, whatever,” she said.
“Cool. Do you have any tattoos?” I asked.
“I have no tattoos.”
“Me either, except for I have a tattoo which...
One day I hope to be dread-free too
“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” I asked my wife over a meal of undercooked sea bass.
“Nope,” she said, not bothering to look up.
“What ever happened to us?”
“What ever happened to Soul Asylum, Lee? I can’t explain shit to you all the time. Things change.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess. I just thought we’d last...
Sign me up
MTV has announced that the next season of the hit show “The Hills” will be its last. An MTV spokesman said, “We’re already hard at work developing the next reality show that will make our viewers feel empty inside. Watching it will be like drinking a delicious Jamba Juice smoothie with milk, ice, fruit, an Energee™ boost and self-loathing.”
1 tag
I beg to dickagree
She was my girlfriend’s best friend. I should be nice to her. Ah, fuck it.
“You’re one of those girls that disagrees with anything a man says just because it’s coming from a man. Even if he believed, truly believed, in your warped idea of post-feminism or whatever the fuck they’re telling you to believe on Jezebel, you’d contradict him because he’s got a...
I love false hope. It's my favorite kind of hope.
I'm not a Greenpeace supporter
My wife and I went to the beach with our son.
“Lee, are you going to come out from under the umbrella and take your son into the water?” she asked. She had been with him in the water most of the day.
“I’d like to, but I burn pretty easily. I’m going to stay here and finish this book.”
“It’s not going to burn you if you go out for five minutes....
I want to get a lot of tattoos on my face and hands and then when people come up to me and they’re like, “Nice tattoos!” I’ll be like, “What tattoos?” and then look at my reflection in a store window and spontaneously combust.
No tears
“You’ve got to close your eyes so you don’t get the shampoo in your eyes, kiddo,” I told my son as I massaged it into his scalp.
“But I have to keep my eyes open, dad,” he said.
“Why’s that?”
“Because of the monsters. They’re everywhere,” he said as he pointed all over the room.
‘MONSTERS?!?!!...
It's a game with no winners
“Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me!” she screamed happily at me.
“I’m not! Just guess who I ran into at the supermarket already before I burst!” I demanded with a smile on face, excited to finally tell my girlfriend who I ran into.
“Ok, I don’t know. Tell me! Tell me!”
“I ran into a declined credit card because you’re spending...
Delicious and nutritious
If I were John Oates of Hall & Oates every year my Halloween costume would be me slicing my arms with a piece of steel. People would run up to me and ask, “John Oates of Hall & Oates! What are you doing to yourself?”
And I’d calmly say, “I’m steel cut Oates.”
I did a shot every time there was a fat joke
Did you get drunk and watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop last night? Then your night was not as good as mine. Here were my highlights:
multicultural bad guys (asian woman! mixed race man! all of them really good at really pointless gymnastics like skateboarding into a glass elevator!)
numerous punchlines that didn’t make any sense
awesome fat jokes because people never learn healthy eating habits...
It was a joint statement
It’s been announced that TV’s #1 comedy “Two and a Half Men” will produce two fewer episodes this year because Charlie Sheen is going to rehab. Asked to comment, drugs and alcohol replied, “You’re welcome.”
Truth is beauty, but so is youth
My wife was getting ready to go out with her ladyfriends. She slipped on a provocative dress.
“Jesus, do you have to look like a whore every time you go out with your friends?” I asked.
“I dress like this because if I run into your goddamn girlfriend at the bar I want to look hotter than she does.”
“Please don’t try to look better than my girlfriend....
Anonymous asked: describe your dream girl. and when you're done making a joke about it, give a serious answer.
Area Man accidentally keeps Netflix DVD for entire...
yourdp asked: Do you own a funny factory? Because if you don't you should. Buy a factory and if it isn't funny live in it. You will make it funny for sure.
Unfortunately some time down the road you would fall on hard economic times and forced to outsource the funny likely to Dane Cook. Dane Cook is the sweat shop of comedy.
Unfortunately some time down the road you would fall on hard economic times and forced to outsource the funny likely to Dane Cook. Dane Cook is the sweat shop of comedy.
The app costs 91 rupees
“Lee,” my boss said as he walked into my office. “I’m going to fire you now.”
Before I had a chance to respond, he lit me on fire with a lighter he had hidden in his palm.
“CORPORATE AMERICA 2010, BITCH!” he shouted as he ran down the hallway, laughing maniacally while using an iPhone app that translates phrases like, “You’re hired!”...
That's my bag
My son bounded out of his room at 7 AM.
“Birthday! It’s my birthday!” he gleefully shouted.
“How old are you going to be?”
“I’m six!”
“That’s old! You’re practically ready for retirement,” I noted.
“I’m not THAT old, dad,” he reminded me.
“What did you get me for my birthday? Was it something you...
The lost art of the thank you
I sorted through our mail.
“Honey,” I called to my wife. “We already got a Thank You card from the bat mitzvah.”
“Wow, that was quick. Reminds me of how fast you got me a Thank You card after we first hooked up. I got one in the mail. I believe you described our sexual experience as ‘a huge, thrilling three-and-a-quarter-hour experience that unerringly lured...
K108.6 makes me complete
If I were a morning DJ (“Notorious L.E.E. wakes you up in the morning with a pimp slap of jokes to your face on K108.6”), I’d be hard at work on a Peter Gabriel parody of “In Your Eyes” about a guy who is able to take his first trip to the optometrist now that he is covered by the government’s health insurance.
By the way, the joke would be that in his eyes...
Dandy!
The sign above the toilet said “Push for manual flush”. I think it’d be far more interesting if it said “Rush fop, sham flu luau.”
(Note: If you didn’t notice that I replaced the letter n with a u in the anagram, you lose. if you did notice, you win and have probably read a Dave Eggers book in your lifetime.)
There was also groping of the cracks in the...
Last night I stayed in this boutique hotel on Madison Avenue. My room looked out onto Madison Avenue. It was noisy. At 1:30 AM. I lifted up my window.
“Hey! You! Yeah, you! New York City! Are you listening to me? Can you please shut up for like ten minutes so I can get some sleep? Got a big day tomorrow!”
To my surprise, New York City responded. A voice rose up from deep under the...