April 2010
1 tag
Whereby I stick it to C+C Music Factory
Hey C+C Music Factory!
Yeah, I’m talking to you. Everybody dance now? This is not socialist Russia. I dance when I want to dance and I definitely don’t do it with everyone. I suggest you take your musical factory of dancing and sweat outside these borders.
I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves America),
Lee
I just worked for a full hour without stopping
I did. For real! I didn’t check email or do anything but work. Is this how normal people spend their day? No wonder everyone is so exhausted all the time. It was simultaneously the slowest and fastest hour I’ve had at work in a while.
I’m going to take a week off to recover.
Attempting one hour of uninterrupted work... now.
Ok, it’s 10:43 AM here. I’m going to see if I can do an hour of uninterrupted work. No looking at my personal email or tumblr or donating massive sums of my money to charities close to my heart because I have a heart of gold and deep jew-pockets. I have never attempted this before. I don’t think it’s possible.
Wish me luck!
It's all James Garner's fault
When I was a young man, I saw this movie in the theaters. I went with a girl.
When I got home, my parents asked me how the movie was. I had no idea. I was in the back of the theater making out with a girl for 127 minutes.
127 minutes! Such stamina as a young man. But I couldn’t avoid my parents questioning. “Lee, what was the movie about?” they asked. I had to think of...
If at first you don't succeed, blame some...
1 tag
Thoughts on Steve Jobs by The Flash
“I’m not sure who that is. Got my hands full with this whole fighting crime gig.”
You should.
I’m not a musician. I have no musical talent. That doesn’t stop me from trying to determine if I would be the type of musician to bring a beer with him on stage when I perform. I think I would be. You could tell from the look of determination on my face that I’m the kind of musician who takes performing seriously, but his beer seriouserly. You see, dear readers, I wouldn’t...
Tony!
Fun fact: the group Tony! Toni! Toné! was once named Tony Danza! Toni Danza! Toné Danza! after the group members were inspired by watching the Disney Channel movie starring Tony Danza called The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.
An even more fun fact: Fox is deep into development on a show called Dancing with the Danzas to compete with ABC’s blockbuster hit Dancing...
Bus-ted
“Hurry up!” I called out to my son. “The bus is going to be here any second now! You’re going to miss it!”
He hurried down the stairs with his backpack on. When he got downstairs he noticed the clock on the wall.
“What do you mean, dad?” he asked. “The bus isn’t going to be here for another twenty minutes.”
“Oh, I’m so bad...
Sandra Bullock plus forty-eight
I think it’d be great if next month Sandra Bullock was on the cover of People announcing her adoption of another child. And then again every single month for the next two years. And in the photos she’s in the same position with a baby above her and a huge smile on her face, but it’s a different baby every single month. Skinny babies, fat babies, white babies, Asian babies, black...
one forty plus.: Twitter Isn't "Over", I'm Over... →
This is where Tumblr comes in. It’s the future of social networking if your image of the future features intelligent discourse.
This is the clearest sign that John Mayer has never actually been on tumblr and that he uses a fleet of robot butlers to type all his posts.
Also, I made only one reference to masturbation on my blog today. And they said it couldn’t be done.
They can't teach you that in cooking class
One of my favorite pastimes is instant messaging girls I have slept with in the past to remind them that they used to sleep with me. It will typically go like this:
Me: hey! remember that time I did this [incredibly explicit description of a sexual act] to you? and you let me! and you were sober!
Her: ugh. you’re gross! I’ve tried to forget.
Me: cool. well, nice talking to you!
...
Sharingtime's Fitness Tip of the Day!
“Brazil’s health minister has a remedy for the nation’s high-blood-pressure problem: More sex.
Minister Jose Temporao says adults should be exercising more to help keep their blood pressure down — and he says a good cardiovascular workout includes sex…”
(via AP)
I’ve always found that masturbating while running on a treadmill works just as well and is...
Mommy can't
“Mommy, are you coming to my graduation?” my son asked my wife as she finished smoking her tenth cigarette of the evening on our back porch.
“Mommy can’t, honey,” she said to him.
I perked up.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes, really. I’ve got plans.”
“What type of plans are more important than your son’s first big...
The Frame
My boss caught me again. The lights in my office were out and I had my headphones on. I was hunched over my keyboard and staring intently at my monitor. I was clearly not doing any work.
“Lee!” he shouted as he stomped into my office and turned on the lights. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Nothing, sir!” I said as I hurriedly pushed the headphones off my...
A LinkedIn recommendation a client just wrote for...
“Lee is a great partner to us here at [redacted].com. He replies to emails almost instantaneously. We joke around the office that Lee must be watching us type our emails to him because there’s no way a person can answer emails in such a short time! Then again, one time I did find Lee burrowed under my raincoat in my office typing away on his Blackberry. That solved that mystery. There...
Pig liberation!
Brian: My girlfriend loves me the way Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Me: Women love me the way people in Arkansas love a gay, vegan, immigrant gun control activist who moonlights as an environmentalist who liberates pigs from factory farms and does pro bono work for the ACLU when he's not passing out condoms to middle school students during the explicit sex ed course he teaches. Oh, and he lives in an ashram.
Bangboompowalore
“Indians in Bangalore are proving eager to try the country’s first Taco Bell. It is the first taste of Mexican food for many…”
(via Post-Gazette)
Said one of the first Indians to try Taco Bell, “I am not familiar with this type of Mexican food. I don’t see anything on the menu like the delicious mole mancha manteles dish I ate when I visited Oaxaca in Mexico...
2 tags
I'm so selfless I masturbate for society.
1 tag
I know what I'm doing
I take care of myself, ok? I start each day off right with a bowl of granola with almond milk and a banana, followed by my morning yoga.
Then it’s time to smoke enough weed to forget my middle name and drink so much vodka I am rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
After my brief hospital stay but before bed, I like to sip a tiny cup of chamomile tea with just a dash of milk and...
I'm considering leaving to escape all the...
The two girls in front of me laughed at something I said! Then I noticed that they both had piercings… on their face! That is not a place where piercings belong!
Good thing I got intimidated and stopped talking to them. I only talk to 10’s anyhow and they fall far short. They’re ugly 9.75’s. Gross.
He shoots. He scores!
It’s prom night in Denver tonight AND there’s a playoff hockey game! Either way there’s going to be a lot of scoring by young people while throngs of other people watch and cheer at all the right moments, not yet dawning on them that maybe this is all life has to offer.
And now... my one joke about the NFL Draft
Rumor is that Andy Reid traded away the Eagles’ second round draft picks for a meatball sub.
Unrelated: I think the meatball sub is the funniest sounding sub available on the market today.
“You have 10 minutes,” Komisaruk says through my earphones. “Stimulate to...”
– Rutgers lab studies female orgasm through brain imaging | - New Jersey Magazine
It is pretty amazing that we scientifically know so little about sex when, in fact, it makes the world go ‘round.
(via jayparkinsonmd)
Science is so stupid. Guys like me know that women signal orgasm by raising their...
Take that, Blur.
I love my job because I can work from my couch and watch the Party Down marathon on Starz. Modern life is rubbish, my ass.
I know gay marriage is illegal, but I’m hoping they open up marriage to inanimate objects and ideas so I can marry this TV show.
Sharingtime writes a Jared Jewelers commercial
Stephanie: What's a thirteen letter phrase for marriage proposal?
Jen: I have absolutely no idea.
(Stephanie flashes her engagement ring.)
Stephanie: He. Went. To. JARED!!!!!
Jen: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jen: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jen: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(five minutes later)
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jen: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jen: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I fucked him once when you guys were on a break.
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wait, what?
Jen: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! That feels so good to finally tell you!
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'LL KILL YOU!
(Stephanie stabs Jen with an 18 karat white gold Leo diamond engagement ring.)
Jen: I'm bleeding! From my throat!
Stephanie: Serves you right. That's my man now. Oh shit, you got blood all over me and my ring! You dumb bitch!
(Jen dies at the kitchen table.)
Stephanie: Now this really is a blood diamond.
(Stephanie winks into camera.)
The birth control pill turned 50 today. I've taken...
Next time I'll get everything to go
“Hey,” I said to my waitress.
“Hey! What can I get you today?” she asked.
“Don’t I normally see you at the takeout counter?” I wondered.
“Yep. I do both!”
“So you’re ambidextrous or something. But. But. But not with hands. With jobs. Yeah,” I sputtered.
As I just demonstrated, sometimes my ability to make a joke fails...
That don't impress me much
Me: Yeah, I need some of your finest tampons, please.
Female cashier: The tampons are in aisle three.
(two minutes later)
Me: Found 'em. These are the most expensive tampons you guys sell.
Female cashier: Great? I have to say sir, I feel like you're trying to impress me.
Me: I AM NOT! Can't a man come into a drugstore and buy the priciest and most absorbent women's sanitary products without getting accused of something?
Female cashier: If you don't mind me asking, who are these for?
Me: You.
Female cashier: Why are you buying me tampons, sir?
Me: (shyly) To impress you.
Female cashier: Most men usually start out by buying women roses, wine or chocolate. Why tampons?
Me: I want to appeal directly to your reproductive system.
Female cashier: You are a strange man.
Me: Do you like me yet?
Female cashier: Not really. Kind of creeped out by you. Hey, I noticed this is the first day you haven't bought those adult diapers you usually come in for! Congrats!
Me: Oh. I buy those in bulk now.
Female cashier: That's too bad.
All in a day's work
“Son, you better get back to rearranging the deck chairs!” my boss screamed at me.
I ran around. I was going to make sure every deck chair was lined up on this damn ship.
“This is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic!” I said, my voice filled with exhaustion.
“What’re you talking about? This is the Titanic, you moron,” he said.
I’d finally...
I'm doing stand-up in Denver on June 23rd @ 8 PM
I’ll be participating in the New Faces contest at Comedy Works in Denver this summer. I’ll be telling dick jokes performing for five minutes. If I do well, I’ll advance to the second round where I’ll get to perform a longer set and then hopefully the finals after that. Or I could crash and burn right away. So mark your calendars!
I have 20 free passes to give away....
Tell me you're loving this
I went to see The Avett Brothers last night. They were great as usual. Since no one I know in my town has good taste likes them, I went alone. I had exactly two interactions with the people around me. #1 Girl who had too much to drink and was feeling handsy in the middle of their second song: (puts her arm around me) Tell me you’re loving this. I nodded, smiled and kept bobbing my head....
Every day is Earth Day for me. Every day is also...
“After much soul searching – and by the way, it was nowhere to be found – I have...”
– Larry David on the return of Curb Your Enthusiasm for an eighth season (via tvtattle)
Oh look, it’s the best news ever.
“A new report being released Tuesday says more than 9 million young adults, or 27 percent of all Americans ages 17 to 24, are too overweight to join the military.”
(via AP)
The other 73% were said to be too gay.
A PSA for a special day
When I was growing up, I was in my room listening to rock music loudly on my headphones when my dad barged in.
“What’s up, dad?”
He looked pissed. He opened my cigar box where I kept all my weed.
“Where did you get this?”
“Umm, a friend left that here,” I said unconvincingly.
“Bullshit!” he screamed. “Who taught you how to smoke...
1 tag
The right woman
Uncle: So you didn't bring a date to the bat mitzvah, I noticed.
Me: Nope.
Uncle: Have you met anyone special out there in Colorado?
Me: Not really.
Uncle: You know, you're getting pretty old. My daughter is married at your age.
Me: She's married for now.
Uncle: I'll ignore that. You just need to find the right woman.
Me: You'll never know if it's the right woman.
Uncle: Ever?
Me: If we can agree that the world is forever changing and unpredictable and that people are similarly so, then there are no constants. So how can you be sure someone will ever be there for you if we're not the same person from day to day?
Uncle: You have to trust them.
Me: That's one option. I could put my trust in another human being, which if you follow human history has not been the safest bet. Or I can keep hopping from bed to bed, surrounding myself in unfamiliar flesh that will fall far short of fulfilling my emotional needs, but will keep me sufficiently distracted and physically sated for short periods of time.
Uncle: That sounds depressing. How did you get these ideas in your head?
Me: An ex-girlfriend once made me listen to an entire Colbie Caillat album. I think I snapped.
Dating: it's like one minute everything is fine...
My public statement about the issue
There are rumors floating around right now, so I want to set the record straight. Yes, I agreed to meet a transsexual hooker in Room 69 at the Motel Lovesack in Lovesack, Illinois. I paid the very nice hooker a nominal fee to act out scenes of my choosing from Mean Girls. Yes, I was playing Lindsay Lohan in those scenes. I’m sorry for that. I know it would’ve been slightly less shameful to...