May 2010
Sharingtime's Seduction Secrets pt. 2
You're at an airport. When you are waiting for your flight to board, approach the most attractive woman at your gate.
You: Hello. I see you're flying back to Denver. I am too.
Her: So? Leave me alone.
You: I think you'll reconsider when you see this.
(Open up your laptop to your tumblr page. Gesture at it as Vanna White would.)
She stares blankly at the screen.
Her: What am I looking at here?
You: A collection of my writings. A picture. Music. Many things. NOTHING.
Her: You're so mysterious.
You: Maybe.
Her: Would you, umm, maybe want to sit next to me on the flight? I might happen to lay my head on your shoulder and fall asleep. We could nap together.
You: No. Only the weak sleep. I am not weak. I am strong. Perhaps mysterious.
Her: I think I love you.
You: Give me a dollar to buy a soda.
Her: Ok!
And that, my friends, is how you seduce a woman in an airport.
Bye, Portland.
Anyone else in the Portland International Airport right now? GATE C REPRESENT.
But seriously, if you’re here, let’s meet at Gustav’s Pub & Gril, the restaurant which didn’t have a budget to buy another “l” to put at the end of their name.
I’ll miss you, dear Portland. Even though you rained on me for three straight days, you have some mighty fine...
Zero > Three
Whenever my internal monologue starts to whine about how my life hasn’t gone exactly how I planned, I like to go outside and let my eyes scan the streets.
It doesn’t take long to find a father in the crowd, scooping up one of his three children with a certain look on his face. As his daughter screams bloody murder directly into his face, you can tell he’s thinking to himself,...
Dance while no one's watching
This stripper looked like she had been picked last in high school gym class. She was the only one in the club without tattoos. She wore glasses that did not flatter her.
“I haven’t stripped in a while,” she said to me.
Because people covered their eyes and ran the other way when you disrobed, I assumed.
She touched my leg.
“Want a private dance?” she asked.
...
I what? you.
I think it’s adorable when I see old couples holding hands. Of course, it’s easier to love someone when you can’t hear them.
Sitting in an airport terminal surrounded by loud, annoying children always makes me want to get my tubes tied.
Tighter.
(Not really. I had my genitals removed years ago.)
Airplane chit-chat
I’m on the bus en route to the airport. You know what that means? Awkward airplane banter time is almost upon us! I usually choose what to talk about based on who is sitting next to me. Here are some examples:
Fifteen-year-old girl: “Justin Bieber’s pretty cool, right? I respect him because he’s got great music and great style. And he’s funny! What a guy, am I right?...
It's a good thing I enjoy reading
“Hey Lee, how many condoms did you pack for your trip to Portland this weekend?” my smartass inner voice asked me last night.
“Umm, none?” I replied.
“Cool. You might want to pack one though,” my inner voice remarked.
“Really? Do you think?” I said a little too excitedly.
“Yeah, go ahead. Put one in your bag.”
I walked over to my...
Wonderful Tonight
I heard “Layla” today and thought I could use a refresher on the woman Clapton wrote the song about: Pattie Boyd. Then I read that Clapton also wrote “Wonderful Tonight” about her.
Not many men on earth can say they’ve written two classic songs for their beloved. Though, to my credit, one time I sent a girl a really nice text message about how great her boobs looked....
Ugh, I am so pissed some guy named Lee won American Idol. Now I’m not the most famous Lee in America anymore. Now it’s that guy who won American Idol. I mentioned him earlier.
Sharingtime's Poetry Corner
Take Care
I wonder who will water my plants when I’m gone
Not when I’m on vacation, I mean when I’m dead
Will anyone love them like I do?
Will anyone care about them?
I’m going to make sure they’re in good hands
My parents go straight to the nursing home though.
Things I will be doing in Portland this weekend
visiting Powell’s and buying at least one used book that will sit on my bookshelf untouched for two years
going to the LCD Soundsystem show
eating delicious foods
participating in the hot body contest at Senor Frogs (oops, that was from my trip to Cancun when I was a senior at Penn State)
try meth just once because it’s safe if you only do it one time to take the edge off
drink...
Sharingtime's Poetry Corner
Tall Woman/Short Man
Save the last dance for me Even though you’re tall And I’ll be slow dancing with your boobs Your face is pretty.
You need a genie in a bottle and probably also...
Christina Aguilera delayed her tour until 2011 and North Korea cut off all ties to South Korea, which means if you’re a Christina Aguilera fan living in North Korea, you are having the shittiest day right now.
Honesty is the best policy except for in this case
What my company’s CEO wrote in an email recommending me to another company’s CEO:
“Lee is a former New Yorker who is extremely smart, extremely motivated and someone I think would be extremely successful at your company.”
What my company’s CEO would have written if he were honest:
“Lee is a former New Yorker who left because he’s a pussy. Couldn’t...
Burn.
I saw Jim Jefferies perform this weekend since my friend got us free tickets from The Onion. Thanks, The Onion! My favorite moment happened after he ripped into this meathead-looking dude in the front row for about five minutes (I won’t explain why, but he kinda deserved it). It was pretty brutal. And just when everyone thought he was done embarrassing this guy, Jim said, “Ok ok....
What a magical country we live in
I went to Walmart for the first time this weekend. It was quite an experience. When I walked in, I noticed a McDonalds was conveniently located inside the Walmart. Wow!
That’s like your doctor telling you that you have cancer and then finding out your cancer has AIDS.
“If you can walk up two flights of stairs or do moderate exercise, then...”
– Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau, a gynecologist and sexuality researcher at the University of Chicago (via AP)
I’ve been walking up four flights of stairs EVERY SINGLE DAY WHERE TONS OF GIRLS CAN SEE ME and I’m still not getting laid. WHY?
RIDDLE ME THAT, DR. STACY TESSLER LINDAU.
I-deal
The anniversary sale at the REI store near me draws crowds so big you’d think this was the last time people could buy Men’s Sahara Convertible Cargo Pants ideal for hiking and traveling.
By the way, mine are khaki and they fit me perfectly.
Fly like a butterfly, sting like COBRA
Me last week: Unemployment is gonna be great!
Me right now: I gotta pay how much to get health insurance on my own? No thank you.
Me in the future: These instructions on how to give yourself a blood transfusion from the internet seem pretty reliable, so I’ll give it a whirl.
Me right after the future: I probably should’ve put real blood in my body instead of Hawaiian Punch. On the...
You Are The Best Thing
I opened the front door, having just arrived home from work. The stereo was blasting Ray Lamontagne’s “You Are The Best Thing.”
The wife must be in a good mood, I thought. I’ll surprise her! I spot her in the bathroom putting on makeup.
She’s singing and pointing at herself in the mirror.
“Hi baby!” I say, and give her the bouquet of flowers I get her...
Kids these days
“School’s out, motherfuckers!” the coolest fifth-grader who lives in my neighborhood shouted as he walked home from the bus stop.
“So, is it the last day of school?” I asked him.
“Fuck yeah, pops!” he said to me.
“Is that what they teach you in fifth grade? How to curse? What a dang shame.”
“No, I learned how to cuss in fourth grade....
My boss and I email each other again
Dear [redacted],
I’m going to take off at 3 PM today to pre-game it before the big playoff hockey game at 5. Cool?
Lee
—-
Dear Lee,
Hell no. All you’ve done today is reload your tumblr dashboard and write jokes about music. Can you write jokes about other things? You’re lazy in all aspects of your life, I see.
DO SOME FUCKING WORK AND YOU CAN GO HOME.
Sincerely,
...
Keep it like a secret
My co-workers and I are in my boss’s car. We’re en route to lunch.
“What kind of music do you guys want to hear?” he asks.
“I’ve got the Bourne soundtracks,” says one co-worker.
“You know what?” my boss says. “I’ll just pop in a CD.”
It sounds like an early 90’s girl group. This has to be a joke, I think. It is not a...
steph-a-gator-deactivated201105 asked: Okay, I love all of your writing. Your comedic timing is so appropriate I laugh at every excerpt, or reenacted conversation you post. Your hilarious. Who are you?
Stop this bike I wanna get off
I’m looking for a new bike. Thinking about getting a menstrual cycle. I hear riding it is compulsory for some people until they’re about 45.
Sing it!
“Ok, fine, I was singing in the shower. And yes, I was singing kind of loud,” I admitted.
“You were singing into that bullhorn!” she exclaimed. “A bullhorn plugged into the wall.”
“It’s vintage. Perfectly safe.”
“You got electrocuted.”
“I was emoting,” I explained.
“You’re telling me you didn’t get...
My boss and I exchange emails
Hey Lee,
Can’t make our meeting at 2. How does 2:30 work for you?
Sincerely,
[redacted]
——-
Dear [redacted],
I can’t make our meeting at 2:30 because I’m blazin up the biggest bowl of weed your eyes have ever seen at 2:30. It’s 4:20 somewhere, you fuckin lame ass boss. Then I’m doing donuts in the parking lot in my fuckin sweet ass Camaro blasting...
“Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.”
– Eugene Mirman in his very funny book, The Will to Whatevs
Beiber-famous
For some reason I have a lot of followers in the Philippines. I’d say out of ten new followers, eight of them are from there. This makes no sense to me. Though I do love the idea of going on vacation to the Philippines, stepping of the plane and then without warning being swarmed by thousands of people and the paparazzi. Is it possible that I’m Beiber-famous in that country? It is.
...
I Want to Break Free
I never paid attention in science class in middle school.
“Lee, what causes the earth’s rotation?” my teacher asked me.
“Fat bottomed girls,” I replied.
The class was not familiar with the Queen song. No one laughed. Everyone stared at me like I had just peed myself. The teacher frowned.
“I’m not going to college, am I?” I asked the teacher.
...
Unlaid and unemployed
I went to therapy yesterday. Here’s a snippet of my conversation with my therapist:
Me: So my birthday’s coming up in July. I’m going to be single and unemployed. Therapist: You don’t know that. You can’t tell the future. Me: Okay, that’s true. Therapist: Well, you will be single…
Harsh! I wish she would’ve come up with something more clever,...
Lee talks to his friend about Lost
Me: So what've you been up to?
Todd: I watched all six seasons of Lost in the last eleven days. I'm caught up.
Me: Wow! That's amazing! Was it worth it?
Todd: (emphatically) NO!
Refreshments
Our first date was this weekend. I took her to the movies. We sat down in our seats.
“Do you want me to get us some popcorn?” I asked.
“Not if I have to share it with you,” she said.
“Oh,” I said. “I can get you your own popcorn.”
“No, you might roofie it.”
I laughed. She did not.
“You serious?” I asked. “What am I...
1 tag
How do you break up with a hemophiliac?
Tell them they’re not your type.
I saw Ira Glass perform this weekend
I saw Ira Glass perform this weekend. He sat at a desk and played old clips from TAL and talked about them. My favorite part was when he talked about the secret to storytelling in general, which I will not share with you because I’m the only one who gets to tell good stories. He was mostly entertaining and a little bit heartbreaking, just like every episode of his show ever made.
At the...
Ways I am undermining my current employer after...
I took a soda from the break room (I DON’T EVEN DRINK SODA!)
when I went to look for my lunch in the fridge, I kept the refrigerator door open even after I found it! (I UNNECESSARILY WASTED THEIR ELECTRICITY!)
I turned on the lights in my office (MY OFFICE GETS A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF NATURAL LIGHT THAT NEGATES THE NEED FOR THIS! OK, IT’S BASICALLY ANOTHER WASTE OF ELECTRICITY!)
I...
1 tag
Oh, so I'm the bad guy because I don't know babies...
WatchThis is a video of Ben Folds singing Elliott Smith’s “Say Yes.”
I’m Lee and I approve this cover. Have a good weekend, everyone.
WatchI want to work for gink so bad.