June 2010
Woooooo!
You scored a coveted ticket to Eric Clapton’s MTV Unplugged session in January of 1992. You were jamming out in your seat. You had every right to. Mr. Clapton was playing his guitar like a man possessed with playing his acoustic guitar extraordinarily well. But for some right in the middle of his unplugged version of “Layla”, you decided to scream “woooooo!”. This was...
Adult math
Time spent drafting an email to my entire company summing up my past three years there = 5 minutes
Time spent modifying that email in order to make it humorous enough to post it to tumblr = 20 minutes
Please keep in mind that even I’m not sure how I became a successful adult.
Saying goodbye to a company is difficult
Today is my last day of work! I just sent an email to my entire company regarding this. Here’s the email in all its glory:
“I joined this company way back in April 2007 in the New York office (back when the 9th floor didn’t even have a Wii and there were only extremely limited gourmet snack selections). After two years, I decided to move out to Boulder, and everyone in both offices...
Qualities of women from California according to...
California women are:
unforgettable
known to wear revealing shorts named after a popular television character from the 1980’s (not Alf)
able to melt popsicles (this may or may not be a euphemism for a penis, in which case I’m not sure how that happens or why a man would want his penis melted… perhaps if your penis is exposed to her, it’s a Raiders of the Lost Ark type...
Lee goes to the doctor
I went to the doctor today.
“So how have you been feeling recently, Lee?” she asked.
“Not so good. I think I need to be on an anti-depressant,” I said.
“Well, anti-depressants aren’t happy pills. They correct a chemical imbalance in your brain. If you’re depressed, it’s like you’re covered in gray film. You are unable to experience...
The art of the flirt
I got my blood drawn today in a hospital. The women in that office were incredibly flirty. It started with the receptionist.
“Date of birth?” she asked.
“[redacted],” I replied.
“That’s two days before my brother’s birthday,” she said.
“I’m not your brother and I never will be!” I screamed, as I ran out of the office in tears. I...
Rawr.
I just bought a polo shirt at a vintage shop that has an alligator on it. It is the first shirt I’ve ever owned with a dangerous swamp animal sewn into the breast. I believe the presence of this creature on my shirt will make me seem dangerous and exciting to women who see me wearing it in public. Perhaps I will make alligator noises (such as “chomp! chomp!”) to remind them of...
I once brought a woman to orgasm three times in...
Keep it down, I'm trying to be miserable over here
I know I’ve reached a new level of misanthropy when the sound of people having a good time bothers me. This goes double for the laughter of couples, women and children - all groups of people who tend to be very vocal “good time havers.”
But you know who the absolute worst is? Two lesbian five-year-olds in the honeymoon phase of their relationship.
Now that's some American spirit!
There is a woman who smokes on her porch very close to where I live. All the smoke goes into my apartment and makes it smell like I’m the one smoking shitty cigarettes all the time. So today I decided to even the score and I peed on her. I walked up to her porch, pulled down my shorts, unraveled it (this is a complicated process involving winches and pulleys) and began peeing on her.
She...
No problem Jeremy
kellyoxford:
But I’m left wondering- what did you text this tweet in with?
Hey Jeremy Piven, don’t shit where you tweet. Am I right?
Also, you seem like a horrible human being. Happy Sunday!
Grown Ups earned $41 million at the box office...
I hope I get the job
I just spoke with the CEO of a company I’m interviewing for on the phone and he said he only had a half-hour to talk, but our call lasted 41 minutes. This is akin to being on a date and having a woman tell you she’ll only go to second base with you, but then suddenly your pants are off and she’s doing this thing with her tongue and then her roommate walks in and you’re...
The perfect proposal is different for every woman
Charles Posner of Grand Rapids, Michigan proposed to his girlfriend of three years, Felicia Wilson, on a romantic moonlit walk similar to the one they took on their first date, and was roundly rejected.
Ms. Wilson claimed that his lack of a synchronized dance or similarly grand romantic gesture in front of a hundreds of strangers showed that he didn’t care about her. She went on to question...
“I understood why movies about romance, such as the one I partially watched on...”
– from Kapitoil, a new novel by Teddy Wayne
When reblogging for charity goes horribly wrong
CUPERTINO, CA — Today, Apple Inc. successfully launched the iPhone 4, and with it, a new marketing campaign on tumblr, the wildly popular blogging service. For every reblog it received on a post the computer-maker made advertising the new iPhone’s powerful features, Apple would donate $1 to helping the world’s poorest.
This seemed to be a criticism-proof move for Apple, a...
Think different
Some men carry condoms in their wallet. I’m not like other men. I carry an entire box of Plan B in mine. Yes, the box is bulky and doesn’t really even fit in my pocket, but it’s a small price to pay to show women that I’m dangerous enough to have unprotected sex with them one night, but caring and responsible enough to give them prescription drugs the next morning that...
Lose Big
Last night, I went on a stage for over two-hundred people in Denver and made them laugh pretty consistently for five minutes. Eight other guys (and one very old woman) performed as well. There were five judges, and they decided I wasn’t good enough for the top four.
It was a little shocking, actually. The crowd warmed up to me pretty quickly. The jokes got the reactions I wanted. My...
Run.
“Yes, I’ll have the pumpkin muffin,” I said to the adorable English girl who works in the coffeeshop this morning.
“Ok, I’ll ring you up down here,” she said Britishly. “How’s your day been so far?”
“Pretty good. I just bought these new shoes, so I’ll be walking awkwardly for the next few days. Breaking them in, you...
Fun with Gmail!
Did you know when you type will.i.am into an email, gmail underlines it as if it were a website***? But he’s not a website! He’s a supremely untalented musician! OH GMAIL. YOU SO CRAZY.
***please do not ask why I was emailing someone about will.i.am, as it is embarrassing
No girls allowed
Ugh, only girls seem to be liking my posts lately. I’m gonna change that with this one.
LET’S GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR EMOTIONS MORE, BROS! LIKE, WHEN WE’RE FEELING SOMETHING, LET’S EXPRESS TO EACH OTHER HOW WE’RE FEELING INSTEAD OF PUNCHING AN INANIMATE OBJECT OR A FOREIGNER, YOU KNOW?
AND FINALLY, FUCK THE HATERS. UNLESS THEY TRY TO APOLOGIZE. THEN LET’S HEAR...
Sharingtime goes hiking
Me: Hello, Miss. You look very nice in your hiking boots.
Her: Thanks. I just got these, actually.
Me: Cool. May I accompany you down this trail?
Her: You may.
Me: Great!
Her: So what brings you hiking today?
Me: I enjoy being physically active. And it's a great place to meet women.
Her: Really?
Me: No.
Her: Aww, I'm sorry.
Me: No big deal.
Her: I'm married, by the way.
Me: Oh. If you weren't married, would I have a chance with you?
Her: I would rather go down on a handful of gorp.
Me: Hmm. Did you let me walk with you all this time on the off chance that you could use that line about gorp on me?
Her: Yes.
Me: I have never wanted anyone so badly in my life. Also, can you go down on a handful of gorp in front of me?
Her: Please leave me alone.
I'll be on the lookout.
Miley Cyrus is being quoted as saying she’s “not trying to be slutty” in a recent interview. Asked how we would know if she was trying to be slutty, she says, “I’ll give you a signal.”
Performing in a big contest at Comedy Works...
Hey everyone! I’ll be performing tomorrow in a huge contest at the Comedy Works in Denver @ Larimer Square and I’d love to have your support! I’ll be doing a five minute set. I’ve been working pretty hard at it. If the judges like me and I score in the top 3 out of the 11 that night, I get to advance to the next round. It’d be great to see lots of friendly ...
Phrases I will avoid saying during my phone...
“Cool beans, dogg. Please note that I called you dog with two g’s.”
“Can you speak quieter? I’m having a hard time focusing on this podcast I’ve got on in the background.”
“Yes, I’m currently President and CEO of Fuckballs Inc. That was the company I started with my imaginary friend two years ago after a particularly nasty bender. What do we...
56 hours in LA
I crammed a lot of great stuff into three days in Los Angeles. Here’s a quick rundown:
went immediately from the airport to Langer’s Deli, where I had a tiny bite of my friend’s pastrami and determined that it’s so good it’s almost worth completely ignoring my morals (not the jewish ones) and ordering a sandwich; side note: their matzo ball soup is tasty
performed...
No plans in LA tonight?
Lucky for you, I’ll be doing an open mike somewhere in Hollywood! I’ve completely forgotten to invite people, so if you want to see me do 2.5 minutes of jokes you’ve read on this blog over the past few years and 2.5 minutes of brand new material that is so mindblowing it can only be performed for a crowd of non-paying customers, email me at itssharingtime at gmail and I’ll...
How to attain happiness
I was playing with my friend Sam in the sandbox at the park. We were probably seven.
“When I grow up, I want to be an astronaut!” I said to him.
“I just want to be rich,” he said.
“Why? Being rich doesn’t mean you’ll be happy.”
“Yes it will. I’ll be able to play my Nintendo all day and never do work,” he replied.
“But...
C'mere, Weisberger!
She was the kind of girl who named her dogs after authors. Normally I found this endearing. Unfortunately, her dogs were named Grisham, James Patterson and The Woman Who Wrote Confessions of a Shopaholic (or The for short).
Games people play
I took her out for an expensive dinner. Then we went for drinks. She accepted an invitation to go back to my apartment. We sat on my couch.
“So are we going to do this or not?” I asked her point blank.
“Sure,” she said, and seductively began to unbutton my shirt.
“Whoa! WHOA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” I screamed at her.
“I’m just helping you...
Opening lines to a detective novel I will never...
She sauntered into my office. I knew who she was right away. She introduced herself. The introduction was unnecessary, like a tampon at a Justin Bieber concert.
Worst hookup story
Since I’m not feeling particularly inspired today, I’ll share with you a story of the worst hookup I’ve ever had in my life.
The year was 1952. World War 2 had just ended and the Vietnam War was about to begin. I was an accomplished fighter pilot whose middle name could’ve been Danger if he felt like waiting in line at some government office to change it like a pussy.
Her...
notthelongesttumblrurlontumblr- asked: you're fresh and cool man. I love it.
Another new word!
I’ve created another new word: masturbath. This is the one day a week a man does not masturbate. It’s man’s Sabbath from self-pleasuring. Let’s see it used in conversation…
Bro: So I heard you got a new place!
Bro 2: Totally, bro. It’s got a sweet master bath.
Bro: That reminds me. Damn. I really have nothing to look forward to tonight.
Bro 2: Oh....
Sharingtime has a chat with his son in 2050
Son: Dad, what was it like being a young person in 2010?
Me: Well, we played a game where you'd hand someone a disgusting tasting alcoholic beverage and then they'd have to drink it in front of you.
Son: Why was that considered fun?
Me: I'm still not sure. In hindsight, my generation was bamboozled. While it was considered a game by those who played it, only years later did we discover it was invented by a consortium of alcoholic beverage manufacturers and the government to distract us from the myriad of problems our nation was facing.
Son: Did it work?
Me: Is the ocean still black?
Son: Of course it's black! Wait, the ocean used to be some other color?
Me: A long time ago.
I hand my son a Smirnoff Ice.
Me: You just got iced, bitch!
Son: Haha. Now I'm playing the game!
Me: You sure are!
Son: Oh, before I forget! Did you ever figure out if we have enough money to send me to college?
Me: You can't ask silly questions when you're getting iced!
Son drinks Smirnoff Ice. I quickly run into my car and drive away.
Later, the INS deported his beverage
Just saw a Mexican man drink a Mexican Coke. Kind of want to stand next to him while eating a very specific kind of rye bread.
I go there for the atmosphere
Starbucks has announced they will soon offer free Wifi. Told of these plans, a homeless person waiting in line to use one of their bathrooms commented, “This place could make a killing if they started selling coffee.”
New word!
I’ve invented a new word. That word is permabstinent. It’s when you haven’t had sex in a long time and you figure you might never again. But how do you use it in conversation? I’m glad you asked. Here’s an example:
“My friend Lee hasn’t had sex for so long his penis has grown a hymen. That dude is permabstinent.”
