July 2010
I wonder how many viewers these shows share
Number of viewers of Jersey Shore season premiere: 5.3 million viewers
Number of viewers of Mad Men season premiere: 2.9 million viewers
Number of viewers of my public access show Lee Gets Cuhrazy on the Jersey Shore with Mad Men premiere: 2 viewers (I have two DVR boxes, therefore each box counts as a viewer)
Number of times I’ve called Neilsen headquarters to demand a recount of the...
Downfall
I hope one day the Jersey Shore cast gets to be on that ABC show Downfall where they throw people and their belongings off the side of buildings. So Angelina answers a bunch of questions wrong and the host is like, “Ok, Angelina, off the side of the building you go!” and the conveyor belt moves and she goes off the side and is like, “I’m the queen bitch of Staten Island...
Sharingtime makes fun of a guy
Guy makes a call on old cell phone in front of me in line.
Me: Hey, who're you calling on that thing? Natalie Imbruglia?
Guy: What?
Me: Get it? Because she's from the 90's and so is your phone!
Guy: I can't afford a new phone because I lost my job, my wife works three jobs just to pay the rent on our trailer, and we have to support our two special needs children. So excuse me if I don't have the newest phone. I spend my money on my family so we can live. Not on things.
Me: You're just jealous of my new Blackberry.
Guy: Who do you even type to on that thing?
Me: My fans.
Guy: You don't have fans.
Me: You don't know that.
Guy: I can smell the lies on you. Even though my life is difficult, you envy me. You'd give up your phone in a heartbeat to have what I have.
Me: Can't wait for iPad 2.0 to come out and fucking blow the Kindle out of the water. It's like, suck on THAT Amazon!
Guy: Do you want to come over to dinner sometime?
Me: Sorry, I don't eat food that comes out of a can.
Guy: I'm just going to start saying my address and while I'm saying it, you can type on your phone like you're typing to your fans, when in fact you're storing my address.
Me: I just had a killer idea for a post.
Guy: Ok, it's 637 Longwood Lane.
Me: People are going to love that post I just made.
Guy: 7 PM. Tonight.
Me: I'm busy tonight.
Guy: Reruns of Community on NBC do not constitute being busy.
Me: I'm just going to your house so I can check into it on foursquare and people will be like, "what's he doing on the bad side of town?"
Guy: Inviting you was probably a mistake.
Songs we sing ourselves
Sometimes when I’m the only person on the bus, I go to the back and sing to myself. I sing a song of my own making, with my own melody. The lyrics are often the following:
I’m the only one on this bus
I’m the only one on this bus
No one can see me
I am all alone
I’m the only one on this bus
But what do I do when someone gets on the bus? I simply change the lyrics:
...
1 tag
Big announcement.
Dear friends,
In November 2007, I sat at my desk in New York City bored out of my skull. I decided to start a tumblr account and write what I thought was funny (I failed often). But I kept at it. And apparently you get better at something when you force yourself to do it five days a week. Still, I wasn’t exactly ready to quit my job and become a comedy writer. Fast forward to a few months...
Is it worth it? Let me work it.
It’s a lot less fun to masturbate at work when you work from home. Even if home is a bus station. Which it has been since I lost my job. The cops who caught me don’t consider masturbating a job though, even though I do it with more passion than any other “job” I’ve ever had.
In that respect, it’s weird that I was masturbating in a bus station for fun when my...
1 tag
Call me (but only if you use AT&T)
She was lying down on a mattress endorsed by NASA in the investment banker’s apartment. It was her third night staying over. They had been on a handful of dates. She reached over the side of the bed to plug in her phone and saw that his charger had already been plugged into the surge protector. They had the same Blackberry.
She hadn’t noticed it before, but it was comforting. She...
Sharingtime orders coffee
Barista: How was your weekend, sir?
Me: Pretty good. I had sex. Yours?
Barista: Oh. Sir, I'm not really comfortable talking about that with you. Weather sure has been hot though! What can I get you?
Me: Not as hot as the sex I just had! A coffee.
Barista: Is that a small?
Me: I think it's average sized. She was cool with it.
Barista: I mean the coffee you asked me for.
Me: I'd like an average?
Barista: That doesn't make sense. You're doing a horrible job covering up your mistake. But I'll let it go because I cannot wait to end this conversation. I'll get you a medium.
Me: I can't wait to end my streak of not having sex.
Barista: You just told me you had sex this weekend.
Me: Oops. Can you give me a pump of vanilla? That'll be real tasty.
Barista: Do you really want vanilla in your coffee or are you just trying to be suggestive?
Me: Oh right, I'm in a coffeeshop. Umm, I want it in my coffee?
Barista: I'll give it to you in your coffee, alright.
Me: Feisty barista!
Barista pours entire pot of scalding coffee on my head.
Me: OUCH! What the fuck?! Hey, where's my pump of vanilla, you stuck up whore?
Barista shoots the vanilla in my eye.
Barista: You did not have sex this weekend! Admit it! No one likes you!
Me: I admit nothing! I had a fiveway with sixteen women!
Barista: That doesn't make sense.
Me: Sorry, pretty preoccupied with the fact that my skin is melting.
Barista: This sure is a crazy day at work at this GLOBAL COFFEE CHAIN!
(slide whistle sound effect)
END SCENE
Mother knows best
I was once engaged to a girl, but it didn’t work out because her family didn’t approve of a Jew marrying their daughter. My parents were so pissed! My mom said to me, “How dare her parents hide behind the Jew thing when clearly you’re just not good enough for her!”
1 tag
I'm pretty sure this is how the descent into...
I’m in such a fragile emotional state right now that when I got Phil Collins’ megajam “You’ll Be In My Heart” from the Tarzan soundtrack stuck in my head, I went to Youtube and listened to the song.
And I liked it.
I’ll miss you, ape parents I never had.
Look at me!
I have never had a straight man look at me like that. And he gets paid to. He stared at my body like a construction worker would if Jessica Rabbit walked by. I was wearing my only pair of skinny jeans. I bought them earlier in the day because my regular, ill-fitting jeans I always wear would not get me into this place. I look good in them.
Do I look the bouncer in the eyes as he’s...
Egg and cheese and keeping your expectations low
I have eaten the egg and cheese sandwich this morning that is king of all the other egg and cheese sandwiches. The other egg and cheese sandwiches should have to change their name to “mehgg and cheese?” so there can be no confusion when eating the genuine article. Speaking of which, this sandwich was so good I want to become a newspaper reporter and write genuine articles about how...
1 tag
I was thinking about doing a double feature of...
The things we do for money
I am in Newark, New Jersey for a job interview. Or as the Princeton Review recently named it, one of the Top 20 Cities for White Jews to Feel Totally Out of Place Walking Down the Street Wearing an iPod and a Suit In.
I sure hope I get to interview in some of the other cities like Gary, Indiana and Detroit.
Ouch.
It will shock you to learn I stood by two older jewish women with long island accents and overheard them discuss their medical ailments. This was after they said goodbye to each other. They stood on the street during a heat wave and with the waning moments of their life, complained.
Back pain.
Hip pain.
Other kinds of pain.
If the body is a temple, they could have started a popular jewish...
Things I have witnessed so far in my 24 hours back...
1) A cab driver angrily arguing with a guy whose bike he damaged. Also at the scene was a third man screaming at the cab driver, but his involvement in the accident was not determined. I can only assume he is a man who simply enjoys screaming at people, which explains how he ended up living in New York.
2) Watched as an alpha male went from successfully flirting with the attractive woman behind...
“Everything is made to perish; the wonder of anything at all is that it has not...”
– from tinkers by Paul Harding
We're all just kids waiting at a bus stop
There are two groups of kids waiting at the bus stop with me. The differences between the two groups are staggering and noticeable within the first twenty seconds of seeing them.
One group: two kids with bikes. One is pudgy and one is hilariously undersized, leading me to wish that I could somehow combine the two kids into an average sized kid and ensure that adolescence would be a little less...
Making the world miserable, one person at a time
When I have a daughter one day, I will name her Swoosiekurtz after the great actress Swoosie Kurtz. We will call her Swoosie for short. When I get mad at her, I’ll scream, “Swoosiekurtz, get over here!” and she’ll have to come over because that will be her name.
I’m really excited to have a young person hate me one day.
Ice cream is a gift
This dude bagging my groceries at Whole Foods looks like Zack de la Rocha. For real.
I wonder if he’ll appreciate that I’m buying the delicious new Ben & Jerry’s flavor “Freedom From Vanilla” that was developed with his group, Rage Against the Machine. It’s a creamy blend of coffee ice cream made from beans grown in Chiapas with chunks of fair-trade...
We came in 69th place
At quiz night last night the question was, “What’s the cheery name for the patch of hair underneath a man’s belly button?”
The answer was “happy trail”, but I like my answer better… trail of tears.
Joke > Fact > Odd Coincidence
The most surprising part of my weekend was while on the tour of the Avery Brewing factory, the tour guide noted that a certain machine was known as Ron Jeremy because “it fills boxes all day.” With beer bottles, obviously.
I’ll say one thing, you don’t get that kind of commentary on the Coors tour. Though it would be equally shocking if you were walking on the factory...
What I write when I haven't had much to eat all...
My birthday was this weekend. As the party wound down, we had two options: go to the strip club or Scrabble. I don’t like to brag, but I scored that night. Triple word score, that is! I got gonorrhea. On the board, that is! I call my dick “the board.” Scrabble is the name of a local whorehouse, called that because the pimp who runs said house o’ prostitution’s...
I second that emotion
I just successfully parallel parked a car on a busy street in a major American city. Suck it, people who did not think I was capable of this!
Oh, it was just me? Well, self-haters gonna self-hate and whatnot.
Something I wrote on my 10th birthday that also...
Today is my birthday. I turn a big number that is scary. Tonight I will have a party with my friends. They are cool, but I also like being alone and reading lots of books. Books also don’t make fun of me for being a jew or the because I only wear sweatpants or because I haven’t ever kissed a girl. My favorite music is by Wilson Phillips because in their video they are three girls on...
1 tag
Wake me up when Oprah has something to announce....
1 tag
WatchThe universe has given me a video of one of my favorite artists doing a Journey cover on a ukulele. Thanks, universe!
“My wife loves reality shows, like Real Housewives of New Jersey or whatever it...”
– Dana Gould on The Green Room with Paul Provenza
Next time I'll go with "evening in the summer"
I just stepped outside my home and said to myself, “My, what a nice summer’s eve!” I wish this were a joke. I actually say things like that in my head. It took me a second to place why that phrase sounded wrong to me.
Oh, that’s right. An American company has essentially stolen the phrase “summer’s eve” and trademarked it so I can’t think of a...
A note to my dear readers
I’m not posting as much anymore because I don’t have a job right now. I assure you that as soon as I get a job and am tethered to my laptop again, I’ll post regularly.
In the meantime, I’m going to spend as little time online as possible. As much as I love being online, I’m always happier the more I’m away from my laptop. I was going to call that a dichotomy,...
1 tag
Pop culture analogy
Real World New Orleans : Treme :: Disneyland : Neverland Ranch
Can't beat the real thing
I wish they would make Gatorade that was water-flavored. I want my sports drink to give me the impression I’m drinking water. And you know who’d be a great pitchman for water-flavored Gatorade? God.
The camera zooms in on God in the locker room after a particularly muddy game of tackle football with his bros. God opens his locker, pulls out a bottle, takes a swig of new water-flavored...
1 tag
Just applied for unemployment. Looking forward to getting paid to do nothing, or as its called in D.C., working for the SEC.
Just when I thought my sex life couldn't get any...