August 2010
When you haven’t been working out as much as you should (or at all), you may be tempted to scream, “That’s what you get for working out!” to all the people going through painful rehabilitation in the physical therapy clinic you walk by.
Don’t.
Just because the men in there may have a torn ACL doesn’t mean their other leg can’t squarely land a kick to...
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Name I signed in with at the reception desk in my...
Lee Fucknuts
(it’s my mother’s maiden name)
Chinatown
I’m staying in a hotel in Chinatown. On my way to work this morning, a Chinese dude walks up to me and goes, “I own you, white boy. China owns you! When you borrow money to buy something, you’re getting that money from the Chinese government! YOU ARE OWNED BY ME!”
Well, that pissed me off. I opened my wallet and took out a dollar. Then I threw the dollar in his face.
...
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The city is alive with romance!
Cashier 1: He keeps calling me.
Cashier 2: Who? Paul?
Cashier 1: Yeah.
Cashier 2: He trying to get with you?
Cashier 1 nods.
Cashier 2: Uh huh.
Cashier 1: I ain't gonna give it up. *pause* I ain't giving it up.
Wear this hat, sit in the corner.
Two weeks ago, I saw a musician named Vienna Teng perform and speak at an event called TEDxBoulder. She told a story about how in Taiwan, when you’re in middle school, you take a test. This test determines the trajectory of your life.
If you score high… you go into mathematics, engineering or the sciences.
If you score average… you go into the social sciences or business.
If...
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Sharingtime orders Japanese food
Me: I'll have the avocado handroll, please.
Waitress (apropos of nothing): Have you ever had a handroll?
I start to wonder where this question came from, so I decide to make her feel horrible about herself.
Me: I don't know. I did live in Japan for three years. Does that answer your question?
Waitress: Oh, I'm sorry. Where in Japan?
Me: Ha! Oh, you know. Japan. The part with the Jews.
Waitress: Jewtown. Of course.
Me: Yeah. Duh.
Waitress: There is no Jewtown. I made that up. That's incredibly racist for you to think there was such a place.
Me: It is not! There are Chinatowns all over the country!
Waitress: Yes, but there are no Jewtowns.
Me: How do you know that?
Waitress: Because I do. Having lived in Japan for six years.
Me: Yeah? Where'd you live?
Waitress: Waitressyo.
Me: You could've said Tokyo. You went with Waitressyo.
Waitress: South Waitressyo if you want to get specific.
Me: I'm incredibly attracted to you right now.
Waitress: I can't explain why, but I feel the same way.
Me: Let's get out of here.
Waitress: Sure. You've never had a hand roll before, have you?
Me: I thought I was ordering a complicated handjob.
The more you know...
Fun fact I learned yesterday from an old newspaper article: many prisoners purposely use more toilet paper than they need to waste the state’s money.
If they really wanted to waste the state’s money, they should try to get busted as a non-violent drug offender. That’ll teach the state!
Emails I have/have not sent
Email I have not sent
Hey baby,
Sorry to hear about your UTI. Or rather, my dick apologizes for FUCKIN YOU SO HARD and giving you that UTI. Am I right? Oh man. We gotta go back to that club next weekend. $800 bottles of Grey Goose ain’t shit. Remember when I said that?!?!?! HA. Good times!
Call me when you get out of work so WE CAN FUCK ALL NIGHT. HAHA. Remember when you said that to...
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How it came to be that I ate my first pulled pork...
We had an hour dinner break at the conference on Saturday. I was waiting in line for 20 minutes. I was starving.
I finally get to the front of the line.
“I’ll have a veggie burger, please,” I said.
“The grill’s busted. All we have is pulled pork.”
“I’ll have a pulled pork sandwich, please.”
natalieinternets asked: Do you miss NYC? Whats one of the best things to do? I just moved here yesterday.
I also enjoy eating bananas
My boss told me the latest piece I was writing needed work. The problem?
It needed more jokes.
Let me recap that for you: my boss asked me to spend time during my workday to write jokes.
This is like a zookeeper asking a monkey to spend time during visitor hours to eat bananas, scare children visiting the zoo on a field trip, and violently hump other monkeys.
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