October 2010
Note to my readers about that last post
I was trying to hit delete on my phone so no one would ever have to read that sorry excuse for a joke, but instead I hit post. I’m too lazy to go back and delete it.
Enjoy?
I just saw a graffiti mural that said Stop the Violence. Yeah, violence is bad and all, but I think graffiti is a truly horrible scourge on society, so I killed a dude and scribbled Stop the Graffiti in blood on his t-shirt.
Things the lady directly behind me on the bus was...
that all she wants is a window seat
Princess Diana
Madonna
black people
gay people
other people who annoy her
that a girl who just walked on the bus resembled Mama Cass
that AA is for sober people
her “shrink”
September 2010
aj-disaster asked: I don't get it. That "joke" you posted that was near Zoolander levels of absurdity. I feel like that first like could use more punctuation, so that i can understand it more... and how about with the last bit with the Pt, Au and that other thing... (whats this mean? ) . . . do i need to be intelligent to understand this joke? I'm just really bothered by the fact that im having...
Finally, I wrote a joke that won't embarrass my...
I wrote this joke that appeared in today’s Thrillist and I liked it so much, I’m posting it here.
A Model Here, A Model There: Hair Show This throwdown between nine area salons sports two cash bars and a catwalk show that reaches Zoolander levels of absurdity, with models sporting hair that approaches sculpture as they strut around wielding meat cleavers and wearing ball gags and gas...
What your clothes say about you
My jeans say, “wow, he must’ve paid a lot for those jeans” and my shirt says, “wow, he must’ve eaten soup in the very recent past, for he has very tiny dots marking his garment.”
Half of that is true. My jeans are cheap.
1 tag
Brita Cares
I called Brita today and complained about black carbon particles showing up in my water. They informed me that the water is safe to drink. It was great news since I’d been drinking water with the particles in it for weeks.
Then the nice customer service rep told me some other activities that were safe to do:
cross the street without looking both ways
eat my own face
engage in an MMA...
Gotta stay fly
I tried writing something last night that wasn’t for my job. It was 1 AM and I should have been asleep, but I needed some release, I guess. It may or may not be entertaining.
——
I was sitting in a cafe yesterday, trying to write a punchline, when I noticed a black fly in the upper left hand corner of my pristine white Macbook. It was hard to miss.
The fly was not flying...
1 tag
“I discovered what I wanted to do… which was make legal intoxicants, I...”
– brewmaster of Alchemist Brewery in Vermont
1 tag
An actual conversation I had with a security guard...
Security Guard looks at my credentials, which do not allow me access to the VIP area.
Security Guard: Where are you from?
Me: Thrillist.com.
Security Guard: Are you supposed to be here?
Me: I'm supposed to be everywhere.
Security Guard: Oh ok.
He let me in.
Who are the people in your neighborhood?
(This actually happened.)
I was interviewing the owner of a bar today and a shirtless man walked in. Here comes trouble, I immediately thought.
“Can I get a shirt? Do you have shirts with your bar’s name on it?” he asked.
Reasonable question, I thought. He just needs a shirt because he has no shirt. He had on jeans and shoes, both not worn to the point where he looked...