November 2011
They are our future, after all
Halloween’s the best because it finally gives parents a chance to show off their children on Facebook.
October 2011
1 tag
Nothing is impossible
I just saw Mandy Moore in an advertisement for the UFC. I imagine this ad was made by a guy who relies on Christina Aguilera for fantasy football advice.
Couples costumes are the best
I saw the best couples costume last night!
The guy was The Guy At The Party Who Doesn’t Want To Be There and the girl was Had Too Much White Wine.
It was so cute!
The rich get richer
I went to a new restaurant today and interviewed one of the owners, who owns a chain of fast-casual restaurants with 100+ locations in over 30 states, which is quite an accomplishment. They’re preparing to open another (this is not a misprint) 500+. He’s well off, you could say.
Because I’m always interested in what makes successful people successful, it was fun to watch him...
1 tag
On experimentation
One time I tried masturbating in front of a mirror, but the guy at the party in the mirror costume got really freaked out and called the cops.
Why Halloween is the greatest
Halloween’s my favorite unofficial national holiday because you don’t even have to wear a costume to costume parties. When a girl asks you who you are, you can say, “I’m whatever you want me to be!” and then she can say, “I want you to be away from me!” and then you can light yourself on fire and scream, “I’m burning man!” and...
Too bad Phat Farm is already taken
Paula Deen has announced she’s releasing a clothing line. According to reports, the pants are the first with a built-in holster for a cell phone, and another holster for a stick of butter.
Why my first marriage didn't work out
It was a beautiful Saturday morning in October 2002 inside a synagogue in New York City.
“Do you take this woman to be your beautiful bride?” the rabbi asked.
“I don’t know that I would call her beautiful,” I said under my breath, forgetting I had on a microphone and was in front of our families and friends and that I’m not good at saying things under my...
2 tags
“Quality over quantity!”
– what I say to a woman when she realizes I have only one testicle
My thoughts while riding on a Denver public bus
“Empty bus! Yes! I’m going to be all alone for this entire ride and it will be a gloriously unsmelly ride. I will wave to children out the window, and they will wave back like I am royalty. This bus will be my loyal steed, and I will ride it like the king I am!”
(30 seconds later, after the bus makes its first stop)
“Why, that young man appears to be afflicted with some...
Love letters from overseas
There is so much poetry in this email that made it through my spam filter today that I have to share it.
“Good day sunshine my clear. my tender heart female looking for a caring man! I take you very seriously, I want to love you, I want to be with you always and you want it? if so I am very pleased to communicate with you? waiting for an answer you ort. whilewoman from far away. Kiss bye...
The most college thing I've seen in a while
At 1:45pm on a Saturday, a visibly drunk dude wearing a CU t-shirt with a can of Rolling Rock in one hand, and with the other, pushing a shopping cart with a guy and a girl in it. He then screamed, “WOO!” as he pushed it down the street.
The only way it could’ve been more college is if he also screamed, “DEBT! UNPROTECTED SEX WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS! BINGE DRINKING!”...
A cell phone conversation I wish I hadn't heard on...
“Scrubs! Yeah, the show. Alright, here’s the deal. Eight seasons. One week. Bring over (thinks about it)…clothes. We’re gonna do it. I know, I know. IT’S A LOT. But we can do it!”
- some college-aged dude
The show went 9 seasons, I later found out, but I guess he’s only counting the “Zach Braff years”, as I’ll refer to it....
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I like to think that John Cougar Mellencamp and Meshell Ndegeocello still hang out.
Fly away
There was a fly buzzing around my head. It rested for a moment on my windowsill, so I swatted it. It died instantly, smushed up against a copy of an alt-weekly with the headline “The Victim Lobby.” The fly itself being a victim of an act of extreme violence.
The cops showed up fifteen minutes later. Got word of a homicide in the neighborhood, apparently. They knocked.
“Can I...
How Capitol One makes their commercials
Ad guy: Our commercials are really fucking annoying. Those pirates! People hate our commercials so much, they're said to have inspired Occupy Wall Street.
Everyone shakes their head in wonderment. Then everyone applauds.
Ad guy: It's good work, people. Capitol One is at the forefront of every American's mind.
Everyone cheers.
Ad guy: So what if we made them more annoying? And thus made the brand even more popular?
A murmur hushes the room.
Ad woman: More annoying?! How would that be possible?
Everyone at once: Hire Jimmy Fallon.
Everyone cheers.
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Calling in a complaint
I purchased a 5ou bag of Hickory BBQ potato chips from the supermarket today. When I opened the bag, there was no seasoning on the chips. I called to complain.
Customer Service Lady: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: Yes. My chips were not seasoned.
CSL: What kind of chips did you purchase?
Me: Purchase? I stole them shits.
CSL: Then how can you complain about it?
Me: Because this is America, BITCH. I AM THE 53%!!!!!!
CSL: Sir, is this some sort of joke?
Me: This is no joke. Your hickory BBQ is no joke. I just wish there were some on the chips so I didn't have to eat some sort of unflavored potato with my sandwich. If I wanted a plain potato, I'd move to Ireland, you know?
CSL: No. I have to go, sir.
Me: Cool. It was just nice to talk to someone.
CSL: Sir, if you call again, I'm going to have to call the cops.
Me: This is how most of my conversations end.
Our computers, ourselves
I don’t normally hit on random girls in coffeeshops, but I had to this time. I just had to.
“Hey, I noticed we have the same MacBook,” I said to her.
“Yeah? So?” she asked, unimpressed.
“Well, isn’t that crazy? I mean, what’re the odds that you and I have the same exact computer in the same cafe, and are both here at the same time?! Isn’t...
How people tell their friends about actors they...
Susan Sarandon! she was there! Yeah, I know! Unbelievable!
shit, that guy, fuck…he was in Die Hard? Remember? One of the henchmen?
ok, this woman is in EVERYTHING! seriously, she’s not too old. umm, she looks like Kathy Bates a little?
I just saw that dude on Broadway in a play I can’t remember the name of, but he was in Home Alone like a million years ago. fuck. what the...
1 tag
Three awesome ways to start conversations with...
“ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ATONEMENT?????” (sung to the tune of “Are You Ready For Some Football?”)
“Do you think Spielberg is going to atone for making that really shitty Indiana Jones movie?”
“Why did you lead me to this empty field in the middle of nowhere? WAIT, WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN? Oh, I see. You’re going to kill me, and then atone for your sin...
And now, the saddest thing I've seen all day...
An old man, eating dinner alone in a bustling restaurant. His jacket is propped up across the seat from him, as if the person wearing it simply disappeared mid-conversation, and the coat hadn’t been told.
Every single time.
Let it be known that at 12:18 PM MST, not even 24 hours after Steve Jobs’ tragic passing, a PR rep has emailed me a pitch to try and capitalize on it.
Money > Human Decency
Steve Jobs is dead and somehow the guy who created...
KICKASS CHICKEN FLATBREADS!!!!
I love that Taco Bell commercial where that black pro chef is all HEY CHECK OUT MY KNIFE SKILLS and he cuts THAT CHICKEN LIKE FUCK YEAH and then he’s all GONNA MELT THE CHEESE WITH A FLAMETHROWER AND SHIT and then the other chefs are like WHOA THAT’S ONLY 99 CENTS, and then the black chef has to leave his job to get cancer surgery, but he can’t afford it because he only gets...
Assumptions
Dear Young Dude Begging Outside The Supermarket With His Girlfriend,
You’re probably reading this on your iPhone right now. I have no idea why you’re begging outside a supermarket when you don’t want food. How do I know? Because you didn’t ask me to buy you lunch, you asked if I could sell you a nug.
That shit’s insulting.
Just because I have a beard and curly hair...
1 tag
Watch me on Thursdays at 9:30 on NBC!
SCENE: Dinner at a fancy restaurant.
Woman: I'm not romantically interested in you.
Me: Neither am I, but you don't see me not masturbating, do you?! *huge laugh from studio audience*
Woman: You're right, I don't. But only because you have a napkin covering it. *audience woos* You seem to think that's hiding the fact that you're pleasuring yourself at the table, but it is not. *audience gasps*
Me: Is this why you're not romantically interested in me?
Woman: No, that's mainly due to your looks and your personality. *huge laugh from studio audience*
Me: Haven't heard that one before! *huge laugh from studio audience* I'm gonna finish up.
Woman: Finish up what? We haven't ordered yet.
Me: You know. That. *points down* *huge laugh from studio audience*
Woman: You need me to leave?
Me: It's weird to experience sexual pleasure when a woman is in the same room. *huge laugh from studio audience, followed by head shaking and frowning*
Woman: You are deeply flawed.
Me: TELL ME ABOUT IT! *huge laugh from studio audience*
(This is a scene from my new NBC sitcom "Lee" taped before a live studio audience. It's totally edgy and everyone is going to love it.)