December 2011
I usually wait until the last minute to do my holiday shopping for my loved ones because it gives me more time to see if anyone is capable of loving me.
Orderin' drinks
Local coffeeshop, 2pm.
Me: Hi, I'll have a small hot chocolate to go, please.
Her: Sure thing.
She hands me a hot chocolate. I take a sip.
Me: This is delicious! Wow! Why is this so good?
Her: Aww, thanks! We use a homemade ganache.
Me: So would you say you make your ganache with panache?
She looks at me sternly.
Her: I wish I didn't have to do this, but you gave me no choice.
Me: You wish you didn't have to be SO IN LOVE WITH ME? Baby, it's cool.
Her: Soon this will all be over.
She pushes a red button underneath the counter.
Me: Did you just hit the silent alarm? Girl, the cops can't stop our love.
Colorado disappears in a mushroom cloud.
November 2011
1 tag
Chattin' up a lady at the Redbox
A woman stands alone at a Redbox machine and selects a movie to rent. I approach her.
Me: So, you getting a movie tonight?
Her: Yeah, so?
Me: Need someone to watch it with?
Her: No.
Me: Need someone to NOT watch it with?
Her: Yes?
Me: I will be that man for you.
She pulls out a Twilight DVD from the machine.
Me: Well, that explains why you were about to watch a movie alone.
Her: You're alone too! You're just as sad as I am!
Me: Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see if they have any copies of "Ryan Gosling's Abs."
Her: You mean "Crazy. Stupid. Love."?
Me: No, I mean I keep waiting to see if they've released a cut of that movie that's just an 1.5 hour long close-up of Ryan Gosling's abs.
Her: If you can find that, I'd be interested in watching that with you.
Me: Stick with me, kid. I'll show you things about this world.
“I pulled this gas tank from an old Chevy. I wanted to blow it up, so I did. What...”
– Hesher dropped some serious knowledge in this one scene
On being right
I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in a while, and I couldn’t tell if she’d gained some weight or was pregnant. There was only one way to find out without making things awkward: trick her into being briefly attracted to me, have sex with her, and use a condom riddled with tiny holes.
So that’s what I did, and then I waited. Two months later, I called her.
“Hey....
Whereby I make the movie New Year's Eve much...
Actress From Modern Family With Large Breasts: On New Year’s Eve, you have to show off a little something! Katherine Heigl: Trust me, those aren’t little.
I think I’d make a great Hollywood script doctor, so I’ve written an alternate line that I think is much funnier.
Actress From Modern Family With Large Breasts: On New Year’s Eve, you have to show off a little...
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT AND I'M FUCKING WASTED
A normal young man’s version of a good night Go to a multitude of the city’s best bars/nightclubs late at night, get wasted.
My version of a good night Purchase multiple kinds of new, BPA-free packaged soups**** at a reasonable hour, eat a single serving size in front of a large television.
****LENTIL, VEGETABLE, AND LENTIL + VEGETABLE!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, happy day
It’s not Thanksgiving until your mom poisons your step-dad at dinner and then gives thanks to the United Rat Poison Manufacturers of America. She couldn’t wait until after I ate my candied yams?
So candied. So delicious!
Coming home for Thanksgiving
I knock on the door of my childhood home.
Me: Hey mom! Hey dad!
Dad opens door.
Dad: I told you never to come back here.
Mom: You're dead to me.
Me: I brought the stuffing!
Dad: I should stuff you in the trunk and drive you off a goddamn cliff.
Mom: I wouldn't stop your father. You'd get what you deserve.
Me: So you guys found my tumblr, I guess?
Dad: You're an embarrassment to the family.
Mom: You should be banned from the internet.
Ex-girlfriend: I'm sorry I ever slept with you.
Me: What're you doing here?
Ex-girlfriend: Your parents invited me because they wanted to get tips on how best to eject you from their lives.
Dad: She's nice. No wonder she dumped you.
Me: Looks like it'll be another Thanksgiving dinner alone at Denny's.
1 tag
I'm a womanizer
SCENE: a club, 2am
Me: Hey.
Her: Hey.
Me: I'm not paying child support.
Her: What?
Me: I mean, inevitably I'm going to get you pregnant and we'll have some sort of falling out, and I'm just letting you know that I'm not going to pay child support.
Her: That's kind of presumptuous considering I just met you about thirty seconds ago.
Me: Playing hard to get, are we?
Her: ...
Me: Fine. I'll pay half of whatever the government says I owe because I'm only half responsible for the kid. The other half is because of your underies.
Her: Ovaries?
Me: SOMEONE has a high opinion of themselves!!!
Her: How about you buy me a drink and we'll go from there?
Me: I'll buy you half a drink and you can have this infant formula I just stole from Walgreens.
Her: Who brings infant formula to a club?
Me: A guy who wants to make his baby happy.
Her: You're funny.
Me: I know you said that to distract me from the fact that you're dialing 911.
We're both American Masters
SCENE: On the phone with a friend of mine.
Me: Hey, you wanna come over and watch that PBS special on Woody Allen tonight?
Her: No, you're just going to try to sleep with me the second I walk in.
Me: I'm insulted.
Her: I can hear you unwrapping a condom.
Me: Not true. I'm playing with a water balloon.
Her: Why would you do that?
Me: I don't know, they're much cheaper than condoms. I got 100 for like a buck, and in awesome colors!
Her: You're gross. Wait, you don't even have a TV.
Me: I kinda just thought I'd wear a plaid jacket and some wireframe glasses and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between us.
Her: Only one of you has talent, my dear.
Me: I think it's pretty talented of me to not get anyone pregnant while wearing a water balloon.
Her: You're still a virgin, right?
Me: I think the show's starting!
*click*
QR codes of the future
SCENE: 2045, a bar.
Man (to woman): Scan the QR code of my heart.
Woman: Ok.
She scans the QR code of his heart.
Woman: It took me to youll-regret-getting-to-know-him.com.
Man: Shit. It's not supposed to do that.
Woman: What does mine say?
Man scans the QR code of her heart.
Man: Icecold.com.
Woman: ...
Man: We might as well date.
Woman: Can't argue with that.
Love is real, but only if everyone knows about it
Everyone seems to be getting engagement photos taken these days, but my fiancee and I think that’s fucking lame and played out. The future is in conception photos.
We’ve been trying to conceive for the past few weeks, and every time we’re ready to bone, I strap a hi-def, night-vision camera to my dick and it takes fantastic shots of what I know will eventually be our first...
“There was a woman I dated in college - Alejandra Llewellyn. She was half...”
– a character in Chuck Klosterman’s new book “The Visible Man” and something I wish I’d written myself
Trouble.
Now every time I hear Ray LaMontagne’s song Trouble on the radio I want to adopt a dog and train it to remind me to buy insurance.
This is your future!
October 23, 2012
WASHINGTON, DC (Sharingtime Press) - After unanimously passing the PROTECT-IP and Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) bills into law, media conglomerates led by News Corp and Universal moved immediately to shut down social networks like Tumblr and Facebook, which doesn’t make any sense because that’s how they advertise their shitty products to the shitty public. They would...
The easy way out
My wife and I weren’t sure if we were compatible enough to have kids, so we thought we’d get a pet first and see how it went. But we didn’t know if pets would be for us either, so we decided to have a child first since fucking is easier than going through the pet adoption process. Not surprisingly, it didn’t go well. I sure hope someone takes that poor little guy home from...
Chattin' with grandma
Me: Hey grandma.
Grandma: Hi honey.
Me: How're you?
Grandma: I'm good. I'm going to die soon, you know. When're you going to give me great grandchildren? You're not one of those homos, are you?
Me: Nope, I'm not.
Grandma: Then get out there and get married already! Start a family!
Me: Women find the sight of my naked body unappealing.
Grandma: I'll tell you what I did. I cut a hole in my diaphragm.
Me: Gross!
Grandma: Gross? It's why you're alive today, my boy.
Me: Still gross!
Grandma: So cut a hole in your diaphragm and you can have a kid too!
Me: Do you think I'm a woman?
Grandma: Ya must be. Ya don't have muscles.
Me: I have a beard.
Grandma laughs uncontrollably.
Grandma: If that's a beard, then I voted for Harry Truman!
Me: Did you?
Grandma: I don't know, I can't remember.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?
When a married male friend of mine on Facebook becomes friends with a woman, I like to comment underneath it: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?
Then I write on his wife’s wall DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED? and attach a screenshot of my news feed.
After that, I mock up what I think my friend and his new ladyfriend would look like if they had a baby, and post that to his wife’s wall with the...
He says the word shawty a lot
I’m not proud of this, but when I watch Justin Bieber’s new video for the song “Misletoe,” I touch myself. Then I get disappointed that you can’t actually strangle yourself to death.
Jack and Jill and Sharingtime
I like reading reviews from Adam Sandler’s new crapfest Jack and Jill and imagine they’re actually reviews of my blog.
“More than 24 hours has passed since I read Lee’s last blog post and I am still dead inside.” - Time Magazine
“Lazy and slapdash, the work of a comedian trusting too much in his own hilariousness.” - San Francisco Chronicle
“The...
Proud to be an American
A Happy Veterans Day to our servicemen and women working hard to keep our country free so that I can write blog entries about my penis.
I don't buy "For Her Pleasure" condoms because I...
1 tag
If I worked in an office, this would be a...
Me: Hey. Remember that commercial that was all, "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight!" and the people would flap their wings like a chicken?
Officemate: Yeah.
Me: Crazy, right? Like, that song just got stuck in my head for no reason. I wasn't even thinking about eating chicken.
Officemate: Yeah dude, I really gotta focus on this project.
Me: Cool. But for real, isn't that crazy about the chicken song?
Officemate: Sure, whatever.
Me: Right. You wanna get lunch?
Officemate: With you? Or in general?
Me: With me.
Officemate: No.
Me: How about in general?
Officemate: Yeah.
Me: You're still mad I fucked your girlfriend.
Officemate: That didn't happen. You gave me a folded piece of paper and told me not to open it, but that I should give it to my girlfriend. The note just said, "Meet me at the bar at 7 PM tonight and I will give you the time of your life." Then you wrote out a YouTube link to the song 'Time of My Life' from Dirty Dancing.
Me: Yeah, and then she showed up and I gave her a deep dickin'.
Officemate: You know I don't have a girlfriend, so I'm not sure who I was supposed to give it to.
Me: Oh geez. Who did I bone that night?
Officemate: Probably a piece of uncooked chicken, I'd guess.
Me: Probably. Sure hope that bitch was antibiotic free. Don't wanna catch anything.
Steak and Ail
Scene: Super expensive restaurant in a super expensive hotel hosts members of the media for a free dinner. No one attending could afford this place on their meager salaries, but everyone plays along and dresses up for the occasion. Then there's me.
Me: Hello. I'm here for the media dinner.
Hostess Who Looks Like A Model: Of course, sir. I'll take you right back to the private dining area. Would you like me to take the gray, well-worn hoodie you're wearing back to the coat room, where it will be hung next to a hedge fund manager's Versace overcoat?
Me: Yes, please.
Hostess: Excellent. And will you be needing any spa services prior to dinner this evening? I noticed your hair looks especially frizzy, as if you haven't had a haircut in weeks. And also, your beard, if it could even be called that, looks Unabomberesque.
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. I will not be needing any of that.
Hostess: Fantastic. And if I may continue, your sneakers are a few years old and lack treads on the bottom. Would you like me to recommend a website where you can purchase some new ones? Zappos.com is quite popular, sir.
Me: Thanks.
Hostess: Anytime. I also must mention that you look lonely. Would you like me to hire a high-end escort to sit next to you at dinner and laugh at the self-deprecating jokes you make about your penis?
Me: I would.
Hostess: Great. I'm glad you can join us at dinner tonight, despite being the most broken person I've met in recent years. And I truly mean that sir. You are a mess from the inside-out.
Me: It's a honor to be here. It's also nice for a woman so pretty to be talking to me.
Hostess: Sir, I can see you trying to take a picture of me on your cameraphone.
Things Bil Keane said on his deathbed
“I’m not sure she was the best mother for my children.”
“Jeffy was developmentally disabled, and we ignored that for too many years.”
“I really phoned it in there for a while, no? HAHA.”
“Fuck you, Rooney! I win!”
“If someone had told me about condoms, I don’t think Dolly would’ve ever been born.”
“Wow, when...
Fun for the whole Family
Bil Keane, creator of the long-running and heartwarming Family Circus comic, died today. It’s being reported his final words were, “Everyone is such a stupid cunt.”
If liking Jack Johnson is wrong, then I don't want...
No harm, no foul
“No harm, no foul,” the bouncer said as his fist squarely connected with my stomach.
I doubled over in pain.
“That sure felt like it harmed me,” I said, noticing in the corner of my eye that my date was walking back to her car without me.
The hulking mass of muscle and rage readjusted my overbite with his next punch.
“Punching me isn’t going to make me...
The first page of my new romance novel
She strode to him from across the room, galloping almost. When she disrobed, the horse similarities continued. Her vagina looked like a tired steed that should’ve been taken out behind the stables and shot years ago, yet miraculously managed to stay alive.
(Maybe “romance” isn’t my genre.)
2 tags
OH SNAP
Beyonce and Jay-Z have announced they’re having a girl. This is bad news for Kanye, as he’s used to being the little bitch that hangs around Jay-Z.
1 tag
More great news, everyone!
I’m starting MY VERY OWN WEDDING BLOG. This will be a place where you can read about MY EXTRA ROMANTIC WEDDING TO “THE BOY” and how it feels to GET MARRIED to THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE (that guy who broke my heart in college doesn’t count!!!). It will capture my FEELINGS about PICKING OUT A BEAUTIFUL WHITE DRESS HELD TOGETHER BY THE TEARS OF IMMIGRANTS and MAKING A GUEST LIST! It...
Great news, everyone!
I’m starting MY VERY OWN MOMMY BLOG. This will be a place where you can read about THE BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME and how it feels to HAVE A BABY INSIDE OF YOUR UTERUS. It will capture my FEELINGS about EATING and URINATING A LOT! It will be sentimental, but only because MY CHILD IS PRECIOUS and not at all A DRAIN ON THE EARTH’S DWINDLING NATURAL RESOURCES because my child will grow up...
How I envision my parallel life as a famous,...
“Lee, when did you get to be so sexy? Have you always been this way?”
It was my fiftieth interview that day, and I was tired.
“I don’t know, Connie,” I said. “I guess it comes naturally.”
Connie Chung had come out of retirement to interview me. Apparently it was a big deal or something?
“Lee, what do you want to say to all your fans?” she...