December 2011
IT'S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!!
Subject: IT’S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!! To: Homegurl 1, Homegurl 2, Homegurl 3, Homegurl 4
LADIEZZZZZ!!! I don’t normally email all of you all at once, but y’all are my BFFs and I want to make sure to keep you in the loop on this shiz (LUV U GUISE). But I’ve got big news: I’m DOING MY FIRST JUICE CLEANSE THIS WEEK!!!! Yes, it’s also the week that Charles is...
Sad news
Katy Perry filed for divorce today. I haven’t been this upset since Zooey Deschanel filed for divorce.
Unreleased Chelsea Handler books
Drunk Slut (That’s Me!)
America Is Not Sick Of Me Yet So Here’s Another Book I Wrote
Drunk Whore (Me Again!)
I’ve Fucked A Lot Of People (Here Is A List Of Their Names)
Jokes That Were Not Good Enough For My Stand-Up Routine
I Have A Show On E! And Therefore I Was Asked To Write A Book
Fucking Dudes And Getting Wasted: The Book
The most popular podcast of 2012
An hourlong podcast wherein a flamboyant gay man describes in excruciating detail the funny videos of cats and dogs he watched at work that day.
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Places I'd rather not spend New Year's Eve
in Times Square
in a movie theater watching the movie New Year’s Eve
at a party that’s also being attended by the cast of New Year’s Eve
anywhere that large groups of people countdown loudly and with enthusiasm
in a room with Dick Clark, physically Rocking him (to sleep, in my arms)
in the VIP area of a nightclub, drinking expensive champagne and surrounded by beautiful...
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My top searches for 2011
“what to do if the woman you’re dating is in love with Jon Hamm”
“how to be as good looking as Jon Hamm”
“making your name as cool as Jon Hamm”
“how to get a namechange to Lee Incandescently SuperCool”
“drinking at work” + “fire-able offense?”
“drinking in bed and not going to work at all” +...
New Year's resolution update!
These were the New Year’s Resolutions I made on January 1, 2011. I’ve crossed out the ones that I have kept.
I resolve to sit on my couch a lot.
I resolve to go to the gym three times a week.
I resolve to involve myself in a loving relationship that transcends the boundaries of time and space, and becomes a refuge in a world full of horribleness.
I resolve to work super hard.
I...
Her brunch belongs in MoMA
The college-aged girl next to me at this diner is reading from a Kindle, drinking a cocktail with some sort of superfruit in it, and ordered an eggs benedict with arugula that’s drizzled with balsamic vinaigrette. It doesn’t look like brunch, it looks like a goddamn painting.
I’m reading an actual book, drinking a cup of coffee, and just ate an egg scramble with a layer of...
Chattin' with Santa
Me: Hey Santa.
Santa: Hey Lee.
Me: So, will this be the year you finally stop by my house and give me presents?
Santa: Nope, I don't believe I will.
Me: Why's that?
Santa: Because you don't believe in Jesus.
Me: That's a technicality! Certainly you drop off presents at people's homes who don't believe in Jesus.
Santa: Not true! I only drop off presents to people who believe. And if they don't, I kill them!
Me: WHAT?!
Santa: Yep! Off with their heads! Ho ho ho!
Me: That seems harsh.
Santa: Not compared to the Crusades.
Me: Damn, Santa. Do you think people are lying to you in order to get gifts?
Santa: Probably.
Me: Yeah, I'd lie to get that new Drake album. It's pretty good.
Santa: It sure is.
Me: You know he's Jewish, right?
Santa: No way.
Me: For real.
Santa: Crazy.
Me: I know.
Santa: Alright Lee, I better be going. Merry Christmas!
Me: Merry Christmas, Santa!
Dreams
A wise man told me, “If you can dream it, you can be it!” so I dreamt that my dad would come back home this Christmas, and move out of that motel he shares with his new Laotian girlfriend Akela, who is not nice to me.
When he didn’t, I dressed up in some of the old clothes he left in my mom’s house and started chainsmoking Marlboros. Dreams really do come true over the...
Acting!
“I can cry on demand,” I whispered to the girl sitting next to me at the bar.
“I’ve noticed,” she said. “Because you’ve been crying for the past twenty minutes.”
“Only because I wanted to,” I replied, shifting around the empty glass in front of me. “It’s for a movie I’m in. I’m an actor.”
“Is the...
If the story behind Hanukkah happened today
Judah Maccabee was all, “Hey guys, let’s get on twitter and see if other Jews will help us fight that enemy of ours!”
And the Jews were all retweeting the revolution and shit, though some other Jews were like, “The revolution is really on Facebook, bro.” And Judah was like, “REALLY? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? LITERALLY?” and a million other words that were...
Shit Jews Say
I was recently hired by the makers of the video “Shit Girls Say” to produce a video called “Shit Jews Say.” Here’s a sneak preview of some of the hilarious lines I’ve written for it!
“Hi! Nice to see you!”
“It’s cold out, isn’t it?”
“Happy holidays!”
“Are you feeling okay? I heard you were sick last...
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Getting my flu shot
Nurse: Would you like your flu shot in your right or left arm?
Me: I don't know, which one do most people get it in?
Nurse: Most people do their left arm.
Me: I'll do my right arm. I masturbate using my left hand.
Nurse: How about I just give you the shot in your brain? You don't use that at all.
Me: That would hurty.
Mother Teresa probably had him banned from heaven
“What fresh hell is this?”
- Dorothy Parker, 1989
“What fresh hell is this?”
- Christopher Hitchens, as he was being escorted there late last night
Couples yoga
I have a yoga DVD that I often flip on in the morning. I’ve done the routine hundreds of times. Sometimes even when I’m not doing it, I hear the woman from the DVD’s voice saying certain phrases, usually instructing me to do a pose or two. Here is a sampling of what played in my head just this morning:
“Go into Utkatasana: chair pose!”
“Put your hands together...
My audition for True Blood
Me: Hi, really glad to be here. Love the show.
Producer: Glad you're here. We saw the tape you sent in, and loved it. That scene where you bit the pretty woman on the neck! Wow. She looked so horrified! We almost want to bring your friend in to audition too.
Me: Oh, that wasn't a friend. She looked horrified because she was wondering why a grown man just bit her in the neck.
Producer: Interesting.
Me: The cops say it's assault, but if it's done for art, how can it be assault? It can't be art AND assault! That's not possible!
Producer: Look, maybe we should move on to something else. Can you take off your shirt? You know if you're doing this show, you're going to be naked at some point.
Me: Sure.
I take off my shirt.
Producer: Amazing.
Me: Really? I don't work out all that much.
Producer: No, it's amazing that your chest is able to curve inwards that much.
Me: Thanks.
Producer: You know, there's another HBO show I produce that you might be better for.
Me: Real Sex, am I right?
Producer: Yes! We're doing a sequel to our piece about men and their love doll life partners.
Me: You don't know that I have a love doll. I AM INSULTED.
Producer: ...
No one speaks.
Me: I'll bring Sheila in. She's chillin' in my trunk right now.
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Happy anniversary, baby!
SCENE: 6 AM, a young woman's bedroom.
Me: Happy anniversary, baby!
Her: How did you get into my apartment?
Me: Don't get the mace out yet! Your roommate let me in.
Her: I live alone.
Me: Hmm. Your dog?
Her: Right. Didn't we go on one date, like, six months ago? What is this the anniversary of?
Me: Of the day I knew you were never going to call me again.
Her: So the day we met?
Me: Yep!
Her: Cool. Can you not break into my apartment again? It's pretty creepy.
Me: Yeah, sure. I just thought it would be a fun surprise!
Her: It's a little surprising I haven't maced you yet.
Me: You know what? I'm going to save you the trouble and just mace myself.
Her: You don't have to do that. You can just lea...
I begin macing myself.
Me: This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Her: I don't doubt that.
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Today in aphorisms
The people who say you should never dip your pen in the company ink have probably never stuck their penis in a large vat of ink. If they had, they’d know it feels really good regardless of whether or not your company owns it.
Birth announcements of the future
“JaydeJones.com was born today (everyone’s name is now also a URL), August 23rd, 2074. Doctors say she is perfectly healthy. She has only a few DNA hiccups that’ll make her susceptible to mental illness towards the end of her life. While she’s living, she’ll make a fantastic cashier at one of Walmart’s many branches (every street corner in 2074 has a Walmart).
...
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Christmas Tree Buying Tips From A Jew
Buy the tree that looks the greenest. Light the other ones on fire.
Smell each tree deeply. Then smell the tree salesman deeply. If he objects to you smelling him, find somewhere else to buy a tree. He cannot be trusted.
Pose in front of each tree as if you were Jesus on the cross. Don’t do this to help you find the right tree, do this is because it is hilarious.
Ask the tree salesman...
Why thank you!
I just realized that when a barista assumes that I’m much younger than I actually am, what she means is, “You have the skin blemishes of a much younger man.”
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Whereby I write an episode of New Girl
Ok, here’s my pitch:
Jess goes to the record store, but is so awkward and CLUMSADORKABLE that when she picks up a record to look at it, it falls to the ground and smashes into a million pieces! Luckily, a cute record store employee picks it up for her.
They have an instant connection because he is awkward too! When he picks the record up, he accidentally drops it as well! When his shift is...
Subway Sandwich Shop at Lunchtime Today - M4W
Me: ridiculously attractive Jew in jeans and a button-down, curly brown hair. You: the Sandwich Artist with her hair in a bun and a hat on her head because SAFETY FIRST. Don’t want her hair getting in my sandwich. That’s my girl.
I ordered the cheese sub on whole wheat. You looked up. We locked eyes. I couldn’t tell if your eyes were watering because you saw true love or...
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Rejected cop show ideas I've recently pitched to...
“When Harry Met Sally, But With Murder” - completely platonic hetero bff’s work in the CSI unit of the Detroit PD and try to solve murders while also trying NOT TO FALL SO HARD IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER
“Bodies” - two forensic pathologists walk through the Bodies exhibit and try to determine what killed the people in them, other than shame
“Death,...
Guess the TMZ quote!
Two of these quotes are from famed poet and recluse Emily Dickinson, and one is from TMZ. Try to guess which is which!!!
“The Dyings have been too deep for me, and before I could raise my Heart from one, another has come.”
“How dreary - to be - Somebody!”
“Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively shacked up together at a bed and breakfast in Utah the other day … AND...
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My audition for TLC's show "Virgin Diaries"
Me: Hi, I'm Lee from Colorado. I'm here to audition for the new show "Super Cool Dudes Who Get Laid Like A BOSS Like All The Time."
Producer: Hi Lee. Tell us how you feel about being a virgin.
Me: Virgin? Huh? No, I'm not a virgin. I thought I was here for that show about dudes who get laid a lot.
Producer: Lee, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. We spoke to your mom and she recommended you for the show. She said that there's no way a woman has a low enough self-image to, as she put it, "let my son storm her sands of Normandy."
Me: Yeah, that's my mom alright. She's really into WWII-based metaphors.
Producer: Is that not true?
Me: It is, I'm just saddened she would throw me under the bus like that.
Producer: So tell us, Lee. What's it like to be a virgin?
Me: It's not bad. I don't really know what I'm missing. I just don't get why I haven't been laid yet.
Producer: Ok. Tell us how you normally approach women in a bar.
Me: I'm usually like, "Whattup baybee?"
Producer: And what does she say?
Me: She tries to commit a crime so that she can be locked in a woman's prison and never have to encounter me again.
Producer: And how does that make you feel?
Me: It sucks. Because then I usually get asked to leave the halfway house.
Producer: We've got our next star, people!
Para-para-para-zzzzzzz
I love this new Coldplay album. It’s like they took everything that I enjoyed falling asleep to in their last album and added more Ambien to the mix.
But seriously, I’ve not found a better album to fall asleep to on public transit. Washed Out’s new one comes close.
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I guess cuddling is out of the question
SCENE: A woman is in bed with me. We just finished having sex.
Me: Pretty good, no?
She reaches for her lighter.
Me: Yep, nothing like a tasty cigarette after a good ole romp in the hay.
She lights herself on fire.
Me: Ugh, I'm gonna need new sheets.
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Herman Cain Announces He Didn't Fuck Your Wife
