March 2011
Anyone speak spanish?
An old dude walked by me with his friends in a shitty neighborhood and said this to me. “Hey _________.” His friends didn’t laugh, so maybe the word he said that I didn’t understand was pleasant.
It sounded something like solo-ito or solo-ido. Whatever it was, it was probably an ethnic slur. I would love to know what it meant so that I can call myself that, thereby making...
February 2011
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CELINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
CELINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Oh wait, this is the sad part of the show.
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Headline no one could have predicted
“Kirk Douglas Creeps Out Nation, Is Trending Topic On Twitter”
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The Oscars stage couldn’t be more sparkly and glittery if it were Ke$ha’s vagina.
What I imagine dating an 80-year-old woman would...
“Hey honey,” I’d say. “What’s on TV now?”
“I don’t know, let me check the back of the newspaper,” she’d reply.
“Or you can just turn on the TV. There’s a guide on the screen now.”
“Oh. By the way, I found a job I think you should apply for!” she’d exclaim.
“Cool! On monster.com?”
...
Anyone want two free tickets to Linkin Park in...
My job offered me free tickets and it’s not my scene, so I don’t want to go. But maybe it’s yours.
Email me in the next half-hour and they’re all yours… itssharingtime (at) gmail.
It's true all up until "the game was over."
I played dodgeball along with 199 other people at the Pepsi Center this weekend. We split off into teams of 20 and pelted each other with dodgeballs for a few hours. At the very end, we had a huge 100 vs. 100 match.
Last year, I went to the same event and did not fare well in this portion of the day. I was pelted quickly. But somehow this time I was catching everything thrown at me. At least...
Strange bedfellows
Last night in Denver there was a Public Enemy concert two blocks from a Ke$ha concert. Their respective fans probably went drinking at some of the same bars after the shows.
Undoubtedly a Public Enemy fan woke up this morning wondering why his genitals looked like he had ferociously humped a pile of glitter before passing out.
The Ke$ha fan woke up next to a strange person, understood that it...
Maybe homo?
I’m about to see James Franco in person. I’m afraid his beauty will singe my eyeballs and I’ll be unable to see anything ever again.
I’m also worried I won’t even care.
A happy story
There was a couple at the table next to me looking at tour guides for Greece.
“So, you guys are going to Greece?” I smartly deduced because I am a very smart and handsome young man.
“We are,” said the guy.
“Cool,” I said. “You guys are gonna have a great time.”
“Thanks,” said the girl, who went back to reading.
“It must be...
Success?
I’ve successfully talked to a woman here who was age appropriate.
She was attractive.
And married.
And pregnant.
And I’m pretty sure had she not been all of those things, that is… not attractive, single and unpregnant, we’d probably be boning right now.
How to dress like a man
I’m en route to the opening night gala of the local film fest. Black tie is optional. Since I’m still fairly young (and a member of the media and therefore not really participating in the event), I’m dressing down a bit. I’m wearing a suit jacket, jeans and forty-six carefully stacked fedoras on top of my head. Why forty-six exactly? If you have to ask… ok, it’s...
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I know there’s a God. On Monday, I begged the Lord to do something to make Bieber’s “Never Say Never” stop playing in an endless loop in my head. Hours later, Radiohead announced their new album. That means I’ll be listening to nothing but that album for the next month or so, and it will push out all Bieber-related music.
Though I do sort of hope that...
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Things not to say to a loved one on Valentine's...
“You know what we should do tonight? Have an argument.”
“Of all the people I’ve settled for, you’re the one I feel the least horrible about wasting my time with.”
“You got me a present? Still doesn’t make up for forgetting my birthday.”
“Let’s spray whipped cream on each other later and not even think about the repercussions of...
I'm one of fifty!
While I was left off of the “The 100 Funniest Dance Crews On Tumblr… EVER!” by the New York Observer, I would like to note that I was included on the equally illustrious list that Living Alone magazine put together called “The 50 Tumblr Blogs To Read When You Think Things Are Going Poorly In Your Life - Seriously, It Can’t Be That Bad Compared To These 50...
He doesn't want for love
I heard after The Decemberists show in Boulder I went to last night, Colin Meloy hit up a Pearl Street strip club and made it rain with Elizabethan literature. It did not go well. “OW, COLIN! You’re hurting me!” the stripper screamed. “This is the only way I can get off,” he replied, looking stonefaced. “And that’s a fucking first edition, you whorish...
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Colin Meloy was just heckled by a group of angry chimney sweeps.
That's my jam.
iTunes Top 10 Selling Singles
6. “Tonight (I’m F(asterisk)(asterisk)kin’ You) (feat. Ludacris & DJ Frank E),” Enrique Iglesias
This is really how they published it.
How they should’ve written it:
6. “Tonight (I’m Making Love To You Because You’re My Wife And We Were Married By The Church) (feat. Family Values & DJ Pope John Benedict...
FINALLY!
Yes, more choreographed dance routines performed by grown men! This is what football fans have been waiting for all year.
Last night I had vegan ice cream. Now I’ve ordered braised short rib tacos.
I live my life in extremes.
Hide yo wife
Currently: eating lemon rosemary vegan ice cream alone in a deserted ice cream shop at 8 PM on a Friday night.
I AM A FUCKING ANIMAL.
Guy who doesn't understand why there's a photo...
Hey Starbucks! Way to start serving wine! You think that’s gonna make people go to your dumb coffeeshops?! So they can drink wine there?! Well, that’s stupid! You need to start serving better coffee and stop trying to fill my cup full of Malbec!
You have lost my business forever! Bet that hurts, doesn’t it?!?!?!?
Man, Egyptians are taking this White Stripes...
It's so cold here in Colorado! (pt. 2)
HOW COLD IS IT?
It’s so cold in Colorado today that when I went onto my balcony for my morning cry, my tears froze to my face.
It's so cold here in Colorado!
HOW COLD IS IT?
It’s so cold here in Colorado that last night when I thought I was masturbating, I was actually just giving a handjob to an icicle.