April 2011
Whereby my new elderly neighbor and I have a chat
Me: Hey, I'm Lee. I live upstairs if you need anything.
Lady: My name's Gertrude.
Me: Hey, Gertrude. A pleasure to meet you.
Lady: What are those noises I hear late at night coming from your apartment?
Me: Oh, I have sex a lot.
Lady: I only hear one voice.
Me: She's mute.
Lady: I've never seen anyone come out of your apartment.
Me: Your eyesight can't be that good at your age.
Lady: You look very lonely.
Me: I'm not.
Lady: Why are you holding my hand then?
Me: I didn't think you still had feeling in them at your age.
Lady: I do.
Me: Oh.
Lady: Want to come inside for a cup of tea?
Me: FUCK YOU AND YOUR BITCH ASS TEA.
Lady: It's loose vanilla white and I just got it from the tea shop.
Me: Fine.
March 2011
The Cupcake Killer
I just gave a receptionist a $2 cupcake for doing me a favor and she was so grateful for the gesture that I’m pretty sure she would murder someone for me if I asked her to.
1 tag
Snort
Three quick facts:
1) Growing up, my house did not contain pork products.
2) I rarely eat said products as an adult.
3) I’m a Jew.
So of course I’ve just been asked to judge a competition where Colorado’s best chefs prepare delicious pork-based dishes.
Getting books
I wish “getting books” was slang for “getting laid” because then I could boast that I “get more books than a library.”
Of course, then I would have to qualify that statement with the fact that most of the books I get are from outside of bookstores at the Used Books table, and that they’ve been deeply discounted and have issues with their book dads.
1 tag
I once got high and watched Kung Fu Panda, but didn’t realize until halfway through it that I had driven to a zoo and was literally beating a panda with my bare hands.
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All the drugs in Colorado will be relocated to the...
In August, the Flaming Lips are doing Dark Side of the Moon at Red Rocks and I’m going!
I’ll be mad pissed if the world ends before then.
How I celebrated St. Patrick's Day
Ate a tiny spoonful of green colored, mint Dippin Dots.
I AM A BEAST THAT IS OUT OF CONTROL AND CANNOT BE STOPPED.
Dating is fun!
“Hey Lee, how’d your date go last night?”
“Alright. Nothing special.”
“You gonna ask her out again?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought you said it wasn’t anything special.”
“It wasn’t.”
“So why are you asking her out again?”
“Because she’s my wife!”
*slide whistle*
...
There's a spelling bee going on in my pants
Rihanna would have a much more meaningful song if instead of asking Drake what her name was, she asked him how to spell it.
“Oh na na, how do you spell m’name?”
“Umm, I know there’s an h in there somewhere,” he’d say. “Hey, why’d you stop grinding into me?”
One day, I want to be a sexpert at something.
The old me would not recognize the new one
Hi, my name’s Lee and I just learned that I’ll be attending the Aspen Food & Wine Fest in June. My guess is that I’ll be eating more meat there than I’ve ever eaten in my entire life combined.
Godspeed, arteries.
Camels and Nokias
I don’t mean to stereotype, but the people who go cross country on Amtrak?
Chain smokers with flip phones.****
Does he know if he stops smoking for a month he can get an iPhone?!
****this is not a stereotype, this is truth
Day after day, more of the same
One thing you never want to do is download on a ski lift. That’s where you go down when everyone else is going up on it. It makes you look like a fool. Beginners do it, as do the injured and the people whose equipment is busted and they can’t ski or board down.
I did it because I didn’t have time to snowboard down.
So I’m all by myself on the lift going down and almost at...
Black diamonds ain't shit
I’ve finally figured out the trick to snowboarding. The cooler you think you look, the better you’re doing it.
This is why I go down the mountain drinking a PBR and doing bumps of cocaine off my board.
Is it dangerous? A little. There are kids everywhere skiing and snowboarding, and those little bastards will run into you.
1 tag
March Madness
Today was the day where while I’m on an all-expenses paid trip to a mountain resort I learned that I’d be going for free to the 2nd and 3rd round NCAA games in Denver next Thursday and Saturday.
Can’t complain about anything right now.
(Also, who wants to go to the games? I can take a friend.)
azaleadalen asked: I get the sense you're not on here much, but I love your blog!
1 tag
Basically we're the same guy
Charlie Sheen: ingests massive amounts of cocaine, is fine the next morning
Me: ingests two stale cookies, has massive stomach pains for the next 48 hours
