May 2011
April 2011
Come for the bagels, stay for the pudgy...
I just walked by a guy who looked like a fatter, Indian version of Ricky Gervais.
New York is truly the greatest city of them all!
Glee!
I was walking near Washington Square Park today when I walked by one of the dudes from Glee. Girls shrieked when he came out of his dressing room.
I didn’t flinch.
But after I caught a glimpse of him, something happened to me. I know this sounds weird, but I think I grew ovaries? And then I gave birth to a baby in the street?
It all happened so quickly. And now I have this baby. Or...
And here I thought a millionaire prince with dashing good looks would never find true love. YOU’VE PROVEN ME WRONG AGAIN, WORLD!
Whereby I talk with a Marketing Director for a...
Him: We sure do appreciate you doing the story on us.
Me: No problem.
Him: If you're ever in the area, stop by! I'll give you free passes.
Me: Great!
Him: You have a wife you can bring?
Me: Nope.
Him: Girlfriend?
Me: Nope.
Him: Oh, well...
Me: I can find someone to take.
Him: I doubt that!
*awkward pause*
Me: ONE TIME I TOOK A WOMAN TO A HOT SPRINGS AND SHE TRIED TO DRINK THE SULFURIC WATER TO MAKE HERSELF SICK SO I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE HER HOME.
Him: I see.
Me: I still think I have a chance with her. I've called her every night for two years.
Him: I'll just set aside one free pass to be on the safe side.
Me: That is probably for the best.
1 tag
I don’t care what anyone says, the day Obama shows his certificate of live birth is the day I look up and it’s Wednesday, April 27th, 2011.
2 tags
The realest shit I ever wrote
I just wrote to a friend of mine in an email that “Hummus Rules Everything Around Me.”
I was not kidding.
Yeah! Yay!
Sometimes people type “Yeah!” when they mean “Yay!”. For example:
“Yeah, I knocked her up!”
is very different from…
“Yay, I knocked her up!”
The latter is a little creepy.
Here’s another example:
“Yeah, I killed that guy!”
is very different from…
“Yay, I killed that guy!”
Also creepy.
And finally:
...
Prince William's Life < My Life
Selected quotes from the Dateline special on Prince William and Kate Middleton
“Just like any other undergrad. Except of course, he wasn’t.” - referring to Prince William’s college years
“When Kate and Wills became lovers is only known to them.” - referring to the sexual congress between Prince William and Kate Middleton
“In the audience that night,...
Night ended early. Of course it did!
Last night at an event, a chef was throwing all kinds of food my way because he’s a nice guy. I was just there to take photos.
I tried some shrimp prepared sous-vide. Delicious!
I took some pretty photos. Great!
I ate some thai chili. Spicy!
My tongue feels weird and so does my throat. Weird!
Calm down, everything’s going to be okay. No, it’s not!
Ok, my tongue looks...
A step in the right direction
The Black Eyed Peas have announced they will no longer perform their hit song “My Humps.” In other news, Charlie Sheen has announced he’ll stop physically abusing women on Tuesdays.
“Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting,...”
– from Moonwalking With Einstein by Joshua Foer
Do you know what this means? I am living proof that Creationism is bullshit.
1 tag
You know what's fun?
Getting drunk and walking around with Grandaddy’s song “A.M. 180” from 28 Days Later in your headphones, imagining yourself as a zombie.
Thanks for everything!
I just learned you can’t tip on a credit card at Starbucks, leaving you only two options on how to thank the barista:
1) place cash into the tip receptacle
2) whisper into their ear, “it is a gift to be alive at this moment”, pause, and then gently place your balls in the tip receptacle, forever linking in their mind the joys of being alive with your testes*** ###
***this is...
Freaks and Geeks
I’m here at the Donald Glover show to see some comedy. Some other people are here to listen him rap. And 95% of the women are here to see if he’ll bone them.
Seriously, there are more single girls here than at a knitting club.
I like Passover because it’s the one day of the year I don’t get in trouble for smearing blood on my door.
1 tag
Today in emasculation
I met a girl today while on a video shoot for work. I was shooting on the rooftop deck of a bar and she was watching. As I was in the middle of talking to her, she looked concerned.
“Oh,” she said, and went to brush something off my shoulder.
I looked to see what she had brushed. Then she hit me in the nose with her finger.
I was shocked more than anything. I don’t think...
I am really good at inventing moves
You know all those supposed sex moves immature guys talk about to try and be funny? Like the Hot Karl and Rusty Trombone?
They don’t make me laugh. And I don’t think they sound all that fun. Until I invented one myself, that is.
It’s called The Hindenburg.
You sit alone in a room. Then you light your genitals on fire and run out the front door screaming, “Oh, the...
Roses for m'lady
Waiting for the bus to take me to Denver on an overcast day, I spied a cute girl sitting on the bench with a bouquet of roses sitting next to her. She was wearing stunningly red lipstick. I couldn’t help but be curious.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” I said. “Can I ask you a weird question?”
“Of course,” she replied politely.
“Did you buy those...
Two things
When you live next to elderly person, you will sometimes overhear things not meant for your ears. This is because old people can’t hear anything and the home health worker has to shout things. Here’s what I heard today: “DID YOU HAVE A STOOL TODAY?” “Whaaaaaaaaat?” was the old lady reply. “I SAID, DID YOU HAVE A STOOL TODAY?” It took everything in...
More observations from an Arcade Fire show
Local Natives killllllled it. Damn, those dudes are good.
There are so many couples here, they should’ve called this show “Arcade Fire featuring Everyone In A Relationship In Colorado.” But then I wouldn’t be able to attend because I am not in a relationship in Colorado. I would, however, be able to attend, “Arcade Fire featuring Lee (he has friends, but the ones...
Observations from an Arcade Fire show
I am wearing plaid to fit in. People here not wearing plaid aren’t trying and should not be allowed to listen to Canadians play music.
I’m also wearing a hoodie. But not to fit in. Because they’re comfortable. I can’t be a slave to fashion my entire life.
I sold an extra ticket I had to a Filipino girl on Craigslist for less than I bought it. She was happy to go, she...
Pretty girls have it all
I know what this pretty girl next to me at the bus stop is thinking, and I bet it’s, “I wish more guys at bus stops would hit on me.”
Well, pretty girl, today your wish does not come true. I’m going to stand here and write this instead, and you’ll have to wait until someone homeless or mentally disturbed hits on you.
Check that, I’m going to ask her what...
I think this would be a good use of twitter
I’m considering starting a twitter account just to let people know when my neighbors are having sex. Five minutes ago I would’ve posted, “My neighbors are having sex.”
These are a few of my least favorite things
Currently: 1:15am, inside a Cadillac Escalade with four very drunk women in Vail, Colorado.
I think when I go to hell for being a Jew, the devil’s going to put me here, and the ride will never end, except to make pit stops to pick up more talkative, inebriated women.
New word: Sexturbating
Definition: Whereby you text your own phone things you’d like to hear.
“Hey Lee! Just wanted to tell you that I always loved your smile.”
“Last night was AMAZING. I’m really glad we went to that movie alone and sat in a dark room with 40 couples.”
“Sex with you is better than sex with anyone else, except for that dude I’m currently boning who...
I'm spending the next 2.5 hours in a car alone...
She’s my ride to Vail. Here are the topics I’ve selected to discuss with her during this car ride:
religion
my personal hygiene habits, with a live demonstration
masturbation techniques and if doing it six times in one night is unhealthy because a friend of mine did that the other night and he’s really sore today
masturbation techniques that are only applicable in moving...
New people are dangerous
Going to Vail tonight. Will be staying in a house with some people I know and some I don’t know. Here’s how I imagine it will go introducing myself to people I don’t know.
“Hey, I’m Lee!”
“Hey, Lee. What do you do?”
“I’m a surgeon.”
“Oh wow! Do you operate on people’s brains?”
“Ok, I’m not a...