May 2011
1 tag
Things I have done today that I did not think l...
1) Drive an electric car! (Verdict: awesome. Too bad most states have to wait until the end of 2012 to get them. Also the quietest car I’ve ever been in.)
2) Eat ham. (I’m not turning into a regular ham-eater or anything, but I have to admit that it’s pretty good/essential in an eggs benedict.)
3) Lists should really have three things.
Opening lines to my new novel in which the...
“She walked into my office, all legs. She smelled like cheap vodka, expensive cigarettes, and like she just escaped from an exploding Koosh ball factory.
I was hooked.”
WatchFred Armisen interviews Lonely Island for Pitchfork and it made me laugh so hard that I forgot all of my troubles.
I don’t normally mass text, but then I found out Kim Kardashian got engaged.
On pejazzling
A PR rep has given me the opportunity to get pejazzled. Here are the special occasions he says I could get a good ole pejazzling for:
bride & groom/groom & groom
anniversaries
romantic dates
self-indulgence (my emphasis)
The last one is what got me. Some nights I just want to treat myself by kicking back on my couch with a movie and a pint of Chunky Monkey allowing a stranger to glue...
Why?
I was sitting at a local diner this afternoon when a middle-aged Asian woman (with her baby next to her) tapped me on the shoulder.
“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.
“Sure,” I said, because in addition to being handsome, I am also a gentleman who helps foreigners.
“I only came here because the restaurant was crowded. Why are you here?”
I had never...
Why you gotta be like that, Starbucks?
Dear Starbucks,
You’re the coffeeshop with the best WiFi around here (and not really the best anything else), so I’m forced to be inside of you. So why you gotta play Sarah McLachlan twice in a five minute span?
And not even her good stuff! Give me something off her debut Solace and then transition into a track off her underrated ‘92 Live EP, ok? Then hit me with a jam from...
1 tag
“You can come over and use my garbage disposal anytime.”
– me, to my cute neighbor, after she told me her garbage disposal is difficult to use
When I thought about saying it, I imagined it would come out jokily. When I actually said it, it came out deadly serious. I too am surprised she is not charmed by my crazy amounts of game.
I don't think it's gonna rain
Currently listening to The National on a Denver city bus when it’s raining outside. I’m looking outside mournfully, as this is the best way to experience their music.
Most of the bus is filled with people from a lower socioeconomic class. These people can never understand the kind of sadness I experience when listening to this music. My sadness is cultured. It’s too...
It's almost summer!
SCENE: The beach in mid-July. Everyone is there. Lee walks onto the beach. Everyone stares.
Attractive Girl: Wow, Lee! You look really good. Your body is so beach-ready.
Lee: I know.
Attractive Girl's Friend: It really is! You can see the definition in your abs! You have like a twenty-pack.
Lee: Yeah. So?
Attractive Girl: Do you have a girlfriend?
Lee: I don't want to be tied down right now. I'm also allergic to rope.
(Both girls giggle for a full minute.)
Attractive Girl's Friend: Would you want to be my boyfriend?
Lee: I don't know, let me think about it.
(Lee throws acid in her face.)
Attractive Girl's Friend: AHHHHHHHHH. IT BURNNSSSSSSSSSS.
(Attractive Girl's Friend melts.)
Lee: Oops, sorry about that. Just kidding. I'm not.
Attractive Girl: Yay! She was being such a cockblock.
Lee: Totally.
Attractive Girl: So how did you get such a beach body?
Lee: I type a lot on my computer.
Attractive Girl: Cool.
Lee: Let's get out of this place.
Attractive Girl: Ok! Where to?
(Lee throws acid in her face.)
Attractive Girl: AHHHHHHHHH. IT BURNNSSSSSSSSSS.
(Attractive Girl melts.)
Lee: Man, I am running low on acid again.
END SCENE
5 tags
A series of movie reviews in which my true...
“He wasn’t into you, but I sure was into this movie!!!”
- Lee, sharingtime.info
“Ask me if I was into this movie! BECAUSE I WAS!”
- Lee, super big fan of He’s Just Not That Into You and owner of sharingtime.info
“You know how he wasn’t into you? Well, guess what? You know the movie? I was into that!”
- Lee, a guy...
How apropos
At the cafe I’m sitting in now, Gary Jules’ “Mad, Mad World” is playing while the tech douchebag at the table next to me gives a pitch and uses phrases like “widget”, “end user”, “time-based correlation”, “integration” and “usability.”
I’m not sure which makes me want to blow my brains out first****.
...
Country Song Titles That Never Were
“”Darlin’, Do You Get My Emails All The Way In Heaven?”
“Whiskey ‘N Tequila (Child Support)”
“Baby, Get On That Horse”
“The Truck Is Mine (Country Divorce)”
“Your New Man Ain’t Funnier Than Jeff Foxworthy”
“Really, Get On That Horse So We Can Get Out Of Here (I Hear Cops)”
Wordplay
One of my least favorite musicians is Jason Mraz. He often slips nonsensical scatting in his songs. For example:
“I’m finally out of Finally deedeedeedee”
“Ha La La La La Listen closer to the words I say Ha La La La La I’m stickin’ to the wordplay Ha La La La Love”
I enjoy imagining him accidentally hurting himself as he’s walking around his...
1 tag
There’s only one question that came to my mind when I saw the childless, sad-faced woman who lives next door to me bring herself home a bouquet of flowers today.
Who’s the saddest person in the neighborhood now, dad?!
My mom's the best
I gave my mom flowers for Mother’s Day and she said she loved them even though I’m a disappointment to her and she hates flowers and wanted chocolates!
Then we went to brunch and she got really drunk and told me about my dad and why they weren’t together anymore.
She also asked why I haven’t given her any grandchildren. I said it was because I always practice safe sex,...
Why did no one warn me?
You know when you do something you knew you shouldn’t do and then it turns out exactly how you thought it was gonna go, leaving you to wonder why you did it in the first place?
Yeah, don’t ever stick your dick in a Venus flytrap.
Whereby I take my mom out for Mother's Day
Me: Mom, I'm taking you out for Mother's Day.
Mom: Great, where're we going?
Me: We're going to see Thor.
Mom: Can't we go to brunch? I love that place we went to before with the blueberry pancakes...
Me: I SAID, WE'RE GOING TO SEE THOR. WHAT PART OF 'WE'RE GOING TO SEE THOR FOR MOTHER'S DAY' DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
Mom: I don't want to see Thor.
Me: I think you'll enjoy it.
Mom: I want blueberry pancakes.
Me: I think you want to see Thor.
Mom: No.
Me: Please?
Mom: Hey, last year didn't you make me go see Iron Man 2 with you on Mother's Day?
Me: I don't recall.
(LAST YEAR)
Me: Mom, I'm taking you out for Mother's Day.
Mom: Great, where're we going?
Me: We're going to see Iron Man 2.
Mom: Can't we go to brunch? I love that place we went to before with the Belgian waffles...
Me: I SAID, WE'RE GOING TO SEE IRON MAN 2. WHAT PART OF 'WE'RE GOING TO SEE IRON MAN 2 FOR MOTHER'S DAY' DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
(PRESENT DAY)
Me: Yeah, I don't recall what happened last year.
Mom: You know what I want for Mother's Day this year instead?
Me: What?
Mom: For you to find a friend and go see Thor with him.
Me: Why's it gotta be a guy? Like I can't find a girl to go with me or something?
Mom: ...
Me: ...
Mom: ...
Me: Next year I'm just getting you flowers.
1 tag
I will be enjoying a quiet night at home,...
I FUCKIN HIT THE BARS HARD BRO BECAUSE IT’S CINCO DE MAYO AND THIS IS THE NIGHT I FUCKIN RESPONSIBLY ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF SOME FUCKIN PATRON BECAUSE I AM MADE OF CLASS.
I want to hang you in a moment
A dentist was just giving me an injection of novocaine in my mouth, and I have to say the worst part about it was that Lifehouse was playing on the radio in the background.
Your day is not as bad as this one must've been
“Lounging in his tour bus, Beck tells the story of a concert he performed. It was the last show on what had been a disappointing tour, and he and his band were determined to get their final audience on its feet and dancing. Yet no matter how hard they tried, the people in the front rows remained seated. Before the encore, Beck and his band met backstage and said they weren’t going home...
Regular people in a room
This is all true.
I walked up a flight of stairs backstage at a Broadway theater, waiting for a friend of mine to come out of the dressing room. I’m asked by security to go into a green room and wait with the other actor’s friends. I go in. There are five other people in the tiny room.
When I walk into a room, I rarely look at who’s already in it. Especially in a place like...
“Something that was said in the past, years before a current event happened, but...”
– someone who is dead (and probably never said it in the first place)