June 2011
I'm a superhero!
If I were a superhero, I would be that one guy who got his powers from masturbating during a thunderstorm.
Then every time someone asked me how I got the ability to shoot lightning from my balls, I’d have to explain to them that I was pleasuring myself at the top of a tree when lightning hit my genitals.
What? Like you’ve never masturbated in a tree.
Facebook updates of a new mother who gets less and...
January 5, 2011: I’M A NEW MOMMY!!!!!!!!
January 10, 2011: Baby and family are resting comfortably everyone. But the baby doesn’t rest that much! LOL!!!!!!
January 15, 2011: Just spending time with my baby this fine day. Hubby took the day off to play golf. MUST BE NICE!!!! LOL!!!!!
February 20, 2011: Haven’t updated in a while! Been so busy with the little one. He’s...
Grandma takes her grandchildren to the pool
“Grandma, can I have my goggles?” little Jimmy asked.
“Sure, darlin’,” she said.
Jimmy did a cannonball.
I sauntered up to the pool gate, and let everyone know who was boss.
“I’M AT THE POOL NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS. EVERYONE OUT! ADULT SWIM, ASSHOLES, AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT CARTOON NETWORK’S ACCLAIMED LINEUP OF COMEDY SHOWS BOTH ANIMATED AND...
The thought process for someone who buys a...
“I sure hope this 50% off deal for microdermabrasion on LivingSocial tips so I can buy it and then forward it to my friends and then drink an entire bottle of wine because menopause is a fucking whore of a mother’s whore and I will not look as old as that bitch Kathy looks, fucking Kathy and her perfect husband and perfect children who go to Princeton. I swear to Jesus that if I run...
Globalization? Loneliness? Never buy a tandem...
Just watched a dude pedaling all by himself on a tandem bike. Couldn’t help but shout to him, “That’s a metaphor for something, right?”
Guessing game!
Only one of these phrases is something my therapist actually said to me today. See if you can guess which one!
“You are a perfectly well adjusted young man.”
“That’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard someone say to me in my 25 years of being a therapist. It is inappropriate of me to say that, but I feel that if I don’t, my head will explode. I...
Well whoopty do for you, Bon Iver
Bon Iver must think he’s sooooo cooooool with this album everyone thinks IS THE BEST THING TO EVER COME OUT IN MUSIC and Pitchfork gave it a fucking 100.5 and The AV Club gave it an A- and everyone thinks it’s soooooo grrrreeeeeeeeaaaattttt even though this is only the 2nd time I’ve listened to it in the last two hours and I haven’t even cried that much.
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Happy Father's Day!
I didn’t truly know the meaning of Father’s Day until today, when a woman I hadn’t spoken to in nine months called to tell me she gave birth to my child a few days ago.
“So I’m a dad?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “You’re a dad.”
“Is it a boy or a girl?”
“A boy. Definitely yours.”
“How can you...
I am good at hitting on women
Here’s the one icebreaker I’ve come up with to use at a party tonight:
“Isn’t it surprising that more kids aren’t abducted each year? They’re so portable! They’re the laptops of people!”
It’s probably best I don’t say anything.
Rejected slogans for my favorite Colorado town
Boulder: Yes, That Homeless Guy Next To You At The Coffeeshop Does Indeed Have A MacBook Pro (no, seriously, this is happening right now)
Boulder: If You Have A Dream To Open A Store Selling Clothing Catering To Affluent Women In Their Late Thirties…We Have Plenty Here Already, Please Go Somewhere Else
Boulder: Minorities Welcome (To Take Care Of Our Children)
Boulder: Not All Of Us Are...
Announcement time
Thank you for coming to my press conference. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I am ashamed to announce that I too have had an ongoing relationship with my housekeeper.
It pains me to say this, but I’ve been fucking my Roomba. Like, on the regular. I did it once and it was awesome, and then I kept doing it. It was pleasurable, and my dick has never been cleaner.
I will not be taking questions at...
I bet if you made a time machine and went back to 1973 and took photos of people using Instagram on your iPhone, and then traveled forward in time to the present day and showed people, they’d be all, “You didn’t go back to 1973, you just used Instagram!” and you’d have to agree, because you did just use Instagram.
Mumford and Sons live right this second on... →
Couldn’t get into their shows the next two nights, so this’ll have to do.
Let's talk religion, shall we?
“Let me tell you about how Judaism addresses the problem of evil,” the rabbit said.
Why the fuck am I talking to a rabbit about Judaism, I wondered.
“You’re wondering why you’re talking to a rabbit about Judaism,” the rabbit said. “It’s just a coincidence that what humans call me is one letter away from what they call the spiritual leaders in the...
Say nothing.
I showed up at her house in a trench coat with a boombox over my head. The music must’ve woken her up.
“What’re you doing here?” she asked, clearly annoyed.
“Can’t a guy wear a trench coat and play Peter Gabriel’s ‘Big Time’ on a boombox under the window of a girl he’s in love with?”
She looked angry.
“Yes,” she...
Whereby I rent an awesome movie
I really liked the movie No Strings Attached. My favorite part was when I was tripping balls and Lance Bass came out of my TV and told me he and Natalie Portman were fuck buddies.
Lance FUCKING Bass, man! LANCE FUCKING BASS!!!!!!!!!
You ever accidentally get CC'd?
I was lucky enough today to get CC’d on an email where someone was describing me to someone else!
“He is a funny one, he’s like [redacted - the name of some other guy they know], rights about sports but is not active (skinny little guy with crazy hair).”
Yep.
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Warm clothes are the best!
The best feeling in the world is when clothes come out of the dryer, and you hold them up to your face and then walk out of the laundromat without her seeing what you’ve done with her clothes.
New word, sort of
I thought I had coined a new word that’s a combination of the words “dread” and “anticipation” until I realized the word I’d created was dreadstipation, which sounds like something completely different.
Rain, rain go away
One time when I was a younger man, I asked my dad, “Dad, why does it rain?”
And he said, “It rains because God is peeing on us.”
And I replied, “That can’t be true!”
And he said, “I’m fooling you! That’s a joke!”
I laughed. “Funny joke, dad!”
And it was a funny joke. Then I asked him, “Dad, why is the sky...
Hit me up!
I finish every real world conversation I have with, “Hit me up on twitter.” It is always appropriate.
“Hey man, I heard what happened. I’m sorry for your loss. Hit me up on twitter.”
“Wow, you have just performed an excellent blowjob on my penis*. Hit me up on twitter.” *What? Emily Post told me that’s what I should say.
“For real though?...
Jon Hamm walks into a bar
Jon Hamm walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, Jon Hamm! I love you in Mad Men.” Jon Hamm says, “Thanks, I appreciate it.”
Jon Hamm walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey everyone! Jon Hamm’s here!” Jon Hamm says, “Drinks on me!” Everyone cheers.
Jon Hamm walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Jon Hamm, there is a woman at the end of the...
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This is an embarrassing day for us all
“He also said he had several ‘inappropriate conversations’ that he described as ‘explicit in nature’ with half a dozen other women over three years…”
- CBS News on Anthony Weiner’s sexual history
“He also said he had several ‘inappropriate conversations’ that he described as ‘explicit in nature’ with a customer...
The most gangsta I've ever been in my life...
…was when I watered my houseplants with Pellegrino.
The making of a man
“But that’s not the worst thing about her,” I told my friend. “The worst thing? She’s never seen Goodfellas.”
“She’s a girl,” Chuck said. “Girls don’t like mob movies.”
“No, it’s weird,” I replied. “She’s seen almost every gangster movie ever. Refuses to see Goodfellas.”
“What?...
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How to ask a Whole Foods employee on a date
The following takes place in the produce section.
Me: Ha, these grapes are called Heaven's Best grapes.
Lady Employee: Are they? That's funny.
Me: They must be the best!
LE: Yeah, for real.
Me: Wonder what the worst would be called.
LE: Hell's Worst!
Me: (laughs) You're funny.
LE: Thanks.
(Lady Employee continues to unload bananas.)
Me: Question for ya!
LE: Go for it.
Me: Which of these bananas would most naturally resemble a penis were I to stuff it in my pants?
LE: I'm not sure, but what I think you need to do is shove the entire bunch up your ass. Fucking creep.
Me: You're Hell's Worst woman in the entire world.
(Lady Employee punches me in mouth.)
Me: I'm not even crying.
LE: It sure looks like you are.
Me: Is this a bad time to ask you on a date?
LE: Yes.
(I leave store and return 15 minutes later.)
Me: Would you like to go on a date?
LE: Yes.
Me: Awesome!
LE: Now will you leave me alone?
Me: Yep! Pick you up at 8?
LE: You don't know where I live.
Me: I know!
LE: You should leave the store now.
Me: I don't even like grapes.
Rejected names for the show "Extreme Couponing"
“Wow, You Just Bought A Lot Of Ketchup”
“Poverty Has Never Looked So Thrifty”
“$4.35 For $251,603 Worth Of Food No One Wants To Eat”
“Extreme Grouponing” (this is just a show about someone who buys every Groupon every day even though they won’t be able to use it half the time)
“The Kardashian Family Made $65 Million Last Year And...
I am good at inspiring women
After I have sex with a lady, I like to leave her with an inspirational quote on her way out the door. (Yes, this usually takes place mere minutes after.)
Lately I’ve been fond of, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
And her reply is usually, “Did that really count as happening? Because I couldn’t really feel anything…”
...
Everything you say while using binoculars is...
“Yes. Yes. (softly) You cannot escape my sights. (even softer) All mine.”
“I see it. I can’t tell you what ‘it’ is, but I have it. Oh, do I have it.”
“Not trying to be creepy here or anything.”
“I’m sure glad I have these binoculars that let me see everything up close. Right now I’m using them to deeply stare into the eyes...
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