July 2011
Tonight, Steve Martin!
Tonight I am going to see Steve Martin play the banjo/hopefully say things that are funny. The concert is in Colorado Springs, which is home to our nation’s many evangelicals.
Tonight I plan on saying, “Jesus Christ, this show is great!” to my friend and then look around to see if anyone notices how hilarious I am being.
"Songs" I should not have had sex to
Here are a list of the songs/audio tracks that came up on shuffle when I was having sex last night. I greatly apologize to the woman and her five hot friends who I all boned for the stuff that super randomly played from my laptop.
“Like a Surgeon” - Weird Al
a 30 second clip of my prerecorded moans from the time I “jokingly” emailed all my friends a 30 second clip of my...
Conversations with my imaginary son
Me: When it rains, it pours, kid.
Son: That's what you always say.
Me: That's because it's always raining. It will never stop. Life is an unceasing downpour that soaks us to the bone, never easing for a moment.
Son: That makes me sad.
Me: Oh, and happy birthday.
Son: Thank you, dad.
(Son unwraps gift.)
Son: What is this?
Me: It's a Chipotle gift card.
Son: But I like Qdoba.
Me: THIS CHILD IS NOT MY SON!
*pushes son off cliff*
Clubs
Tonight I was shooting a video in a club for work that I will never set foot in again. I’m sure going there is someone’s idea of a good Friday night, but I’ll never be one to spend $350 on a bottle of booze in order to entice some hos to drink with me.
There’s a much cheaper way to do that. I leave out a doggie dish of Red Bull and cherry vodka on my front stoop and then...
Dumb tattoos
Whenever I see a guy with a lame tattoo, I take it upon myself to tell them.
“Yo dude, why do you have a compass tattoo on your arm?” I asked the guy next to me on the bus.
“Because I fucked your girl last night,” he replied.
The bro next to him began to laugh.
“Well then I applaud you, sir, for you now have the clap,” I said. “And how do I know?...
My finest work
And now, perhaps the finest pun I’ve written in my life. This was published yesterday in a piece I wrote about electric bikes.
“If you’re looking to take a new ride into the mountains, there’s the 43lb aluminum-framed E-Motion Sport, which’ll roll for 50mi on a single charge, and packs a 250watt motor developed in conjunction with Panasonic, aka what a Yelp...
Rafting as a poor metaphor for life
I have the worst sunburn of my life on the back of my shoulder right now.
(22 HOURS EARLIER)
I’m in a raft flowing down a river. I have an extremely tight grip on my paddle. I’m hazy on what exactly to do if I fall off the raft or if someone else does. Our guide says “people fall off all the time” after rushing through the emergency instructions. This is not comforting.
...
Relaxation Room
Scene: Friday, July 22nd. Inside the spa of a luxury resort. Vail, Colorado. Soft new age music plays in the background. Next to me, a rich woman sips on ice water infused with lime and eats mango sorbet. A married couple sit across the room, lounging in terrycloth robes. A sign says "Relaxation Room" out front.
Husband: Did you hear about the bombs in Norway?
Wife: Yes. Horrible.
Husband: There were multiple bombs.
Wife: Yes.
(end of conversation)
Conversations with my therapist, pt. 56
“So Lee, what’s new?” she asked.
“Chicken butt,” I replied.
“Huh? I think you can say that when I ask ‘what’s up?’ because it sort of rhymes. When I ask you ‘what’s new?’, that doesn’t make any sense.”
I begin to cry.
(54 minutes later)
“What’s up?” my therapist asked, near exhaustion....
1 tag
Ugh, just made a huge mistake
I shot a homemade sex tape, and the girl I was in it with said I could post it online (AWESOME!) as long as I blurred out her face. Well, I was sort of drunk when she told me, so instead I blurred out her genitals, and now the only thing not blurry in the video is her face.
Sorry, Betty White.
1 tag
Can I tell you something?
My mom just found a cassette tape of me interviewing Jon Stewart on the phone for my college paper sometime in 1999, just a few months after he started hosting The Daily Show. I’m going to have to get that made into an mp3 and post it when I can.
I vividly remember where I was when it happened. I was working in a newsstand part-time, and told my boss that I was going to interview one of my...
WatchLast week I shot a video with some dudes who play metal whilst dressing up as cute, furry members of our animal kingdom. I think it turned out well.
I am never going to 7-11 again
(This took place inside a 7-11 this morning.)
Me: Hey, I would like my free slurpee, please!
7-11 Cashier: Ok, just go make yourself a small slurpee and it will be free.
Me: SPEAK ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER.
7-11 Cashier: What? I'm pretty sure that was English.
Me: I didn't say I wanted a rupee, I said I wanted a slurpee! ASSHOLE. GO BACK TO MUMBAI.
7-11 Cashier: Is that near Vail? I'm not Indian.
Me: You look Indian.
7-11 Cashier: I just came back from Florida where I was on the beach. I'm white, bro.
Me: Prove it.
7-11 Cashier: I think the Indians are taking away all our jobs.
Me: Hmm, ok. I may believe you.
7-11 Cashier: Yeah, I can't stand them and all their casinos, taking away jobs from the casinos white people run.
Me: I think you're confusing two different kinds of Indians. The casino Indians prefer to be called Native Americans.
7-11 Cashier: Native?! Umm, white people were here first.
Me: Now you're just being ridiculous. This is disappointing. I cannot out-racist you.
7-11 Cashier: So you gonna get a slurpee now or what?
Me: Is it free?
7-11 Cashier: Yes.
Me: Cool. Nice to meet you. What's your name?
7-11 Cashier: Anil.
Me: Gross! The things parents name their kids these days.
1 tag
Thoughts on Curb's premiere
I watched the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm alone tonight, and I’m glad I did because I’d be embarrassed for someone else to see how much I enjoy it. This deep, guttural laughter emerges from me, like I’m laughing not just for myself, but also on behalf of my entire bloodline.
I’m not sure it’s healthy for a human to enjoy something as much as I do that...
The TV Effect
Watching certain television shows prompts me to change my ways in my day-to-day life. Here are some examples:
No Reservations (that Anthony Bourdain show): buy more fresh produce than I can humanly eat; later become disappointed that I can’t prepare the food quite as well as they do on TV
Curb Your Enthusiasm: make myself more jewy and annoying (this has determined to be impossible)
CSI:...
I am not good at meeting smart people
I just met someone who was introduced as “a new Harvard Business School graduate.” I was not impressed, and I told him so.
“Harvard Business School, huh? I bet you think you’re hot shit,” I said.
“Ha,” he said. “You’re funny.”
“I bet you think you’re funny, you piece of shit,” I replied.
“Calm down, bro,”...
3 tags
Every email I've ever written
Hey [nickname I had for them that I haven’t used in a while]! [Way to greet someone that went out of style in 1993]! [Question asking about their life, but really just a segue into…]?
[THIRTY-SEVEN SENTENCES IN A ROW ABOUT ME. ALL ABOUT MY LIFE. MY HOPES, DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS. WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO. WHAT I’VE NOT BEEN UP TO. UNRELENTING, UNFILTERED FEELINGS THAT NO ONE...
Today's food diary
The food diary in New York mag always used to be one of my favorite things to read when I lived there. I don’t know if they publish it anymore. Anyway, I’m stealing the idea today because of the dinner I got to stuff my jewface with.
Breakfast: Granola with bananas and some awesome Australian-style yoghurt (I spell it like that so that you know I’m smart), eaten while cruising...
1 tag
Listen
The saddest items you can buy on July 4th
A gun, and then ask for only a single bullet
A pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Alone on the 4th of July” limited edition ice cream, which features a cartoon-version of Tom Cruise in a wheelchair on the front, and contains chocolate chip cookie dough and leftovers from the BBQ you threw that no one came to
A paperback copy of Jonathan Franzen’s “Freedom”
A...
WatchThis video brings joy into my life.
It's Canada Day!
I had a weird morning.
“Happy Canada Day, you piece of shit!” a guy draped in a Canadian flag said as he ran by me.
“What the fuck?” I said, and realized he had thrown something on me. “What did you just throw?”
“Fuck you! Canada rules!” he shouted back, miles away by now.
“ASSHOLE!” I screamed at him, and looked on the ground to see...
The moment I discovered I wasn't that attractive
I was five years old when this took place.
“Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a model,” I told her.
“Ew, gross. That’ll never happen,” she replied.