August 2011
Sounds pretty good to me
Upon hearing that Jay-Z and Beyonce would be having a child, Ebony Magazine has offered the couple $35, a Cup O’Noodles and back copies of Ebony Magazine for exclusive photos of the newborn.
Jesus Christ.
Justin Bieber thanked Jesus in his acceptance speech at the VMAs.
In response, Jesus said through his publicist, “I died for all of humanity’s sins, and then a few thousand years later I made sure some Canadian lady had a kid that would become very attractive to prepubescent girls between 2009 and 2011. Also, sorry about that hurricane. My bad.”
I’m really enjoying the VMA pre-show right now. My favorite part is when Sway interviews talented musicians and celebrities, and also Pitbull and the Jersey Shore cast.
The sweet smell of memory
We had our company picnic on Friday at the South Street Seaport at some “beach” venue. The views of the bridge were nice. As was the free booze I passed on because I had to run to the airport and get the fuck outta dodge.
It’d been a few years since I had been down to the Seaport. When I lived in New York, I would go there for the free summer concerts if I liked the band, but I...
JFK, 4:08pm, today
Russian dude (to me): Weefee?
Me: What?
Me: Oh! Yes, it costs money. Ten dollars.
Russian dude: Ok! *thumbs up*
And to think our people once had a Cold War!
Threat Level: High
Everyone is still a threat.
Ok, maybe it’s just at first. When someone approaches me in public, I think they’re trying to scam me, kill me, rob me, re-circumcise me or worse. What could be worse? One of those dudes with the clipboards trying to get me to donate to Greenpeace. But I digress. I’ve been turned into this “everyone is a threat” type of person because I...
WatchThis is a video I made in which I walk around with the proprietor of a blog that makes fun of Boulder…and we make fun of Boulder.
At the end of the piece, I place what I believe to be the most pretentious coffee order in history. I think I succeeded.
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Restaurants I don't trust
the ones that in the bathroom fill up a soap bottle that originally contained high-quality soap with cheap, chemically-smelling soap
Aim high
This morning I walked by a five-year-old boy. He was wobbling in the way that toddlers wobble to get from place to place. Normally, this would not grab my attention. But then I saw his face.
Huge glasses. Immediately I feel bad for him, because you know his peers tease him about that.
And then it got worse. Much worse.
A gigantic eyepatch over one eye.
He wobbled by, with his faulty eyes...
Eavesdropping on a girl on the bus
Here are selected quotes (in no particular order) as she talks to her boyfriend on her phone. This all takes place within a five minute period.
“The only other dude I’m going to hang out with is my little brother.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“You are just really, really messing.”
“I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT!”
“I really, really,...
A cup of water
7:14 PM : Time I initially became thirsty while sitting in a chair.
7:15 PM - 9:25 PM: Time spent on the computer, watching a movie, talking on the phone and working, all while being very thirsty, and being constantly aware of said thirst. I often think about how refreshing a glass of cold water would be.
9:26 PM: Time I actually got up to pour myself a drink of cold water.
9:27 PM:...
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On iPad ownership amongst young people
At the airport now and sitting next to a family where two of the pre-teen kids next to me have their own individual iPads.
Those privileged pieces of shit. Back in my day *cue visions of President Clinton, Desert Storm and slap bracelets*, my family had one Gameboy and I had to fucking share it with my sibling. Did I complain? No. We did what we had to do. These kids and their individual iPads...
San Francisco Observations
Everyone here works for a tech company. To make myself feel more at home, I founded a start-up on the plane and introduce myself as the CEO of LeeGetsAllUpInYourBusiness.com. It’s a consulting firm. When people ask what I’m consulting on, I get all up in their business!!!! And then they become sad that they ever met me.
The homeless people here are aggressive. They’ll ask you...
How I know I'll likely never be happy
Walking down the street this afternoon, I saw my 3rd rainbow of the week. And what was the negatively-tinged thought that went through my head at seeing this glorious gift from nature?
Gruffly, and without a tinge of sarcasm, I thought to myself:
“So many goddamn rainbows.”
Fun stuff to do in San Fran?
I’m going to SF tomorrow (for the weekend) and have very little plans outside of attending a Giants game. Any things you liked doing when you were there? Any ideas for me?
Thanks!
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Flies
Me: “There are so many goddamn flies in this cafe, it’s making it difficult for me to enjoy my cup of organic tea.”
Somali Refugee: “There are many deadly mosquitoes in the small amount of potable water my family and I are allotted each day. It makes it impossible to drink because it is now filled with disease.”
(The Onion did this same joke better. I felt like I...
Smile and wave!
Is there a psychological disorder related to the unnatural fear of being put on the Jumbotron at a baseball game? Because I’m suffering from that right now.
I can see it now. They cut to me and I immediately begin waving to the camera, but because of the angle they’re shooting at, it looks like I’m doing one of those “jerking off” motions. The next day, the NY Post...
Today in awesome names
There is an umpire here named Jerry Meals. When I finally join the competitive eating circuit, I’m stealing that name.