September 2011
Hitting on a waitress
I can never tell if waitresses are flirting with me or if they just want a big tip. But this waitress seemed especially flirty. So I asked just as I was about to leave.
Me: Hey, were you flirting with me, or were you just trying to get a big tip?
Waitress: No.
Me: No to what?
Waitress: To flirting with you. Ugh, I feel so gross right now. You know what? I can't do this anymore.
She picked up a half-eaten pancake from my plate and began to stab herself in the neck with it. It didn't seem to be having the desired effect.
Me: Umm, what is happening right now?
Other Waitress: What did you say to her?
Me: I asked her if she was flirting with me.
Other Waitress: Oh, Jesus Christ! This is too much to take. I'll see you on the other side, Rachel!
The other waitress poured a half-full glass of orange juice over her head, in an attempt to drown herself. Mostly she just got pulp on her face.
Me: What the fuck is happening with the waitresses here?!
The chef burst out of the back of the kitchen.
Chef: I heard the commotion! Is everything ok?
Me: Not really. I flirted with my first waitress, who tried to kill herself with the remains of my brunch. And then I told another waitress, and she did the same thing. You guys really hired some unstable waitresses.
I looked on the floor. Both waitresses were dead.
Me: Holy shit! They're dead!
Chef: Yes. Yes, they are. It's just another morning here at Murder, She Toast.
Me: That's the name of this place?
Chef: Yes.
I tied a noose with one of the potato strings from my hash browns and hung it from the ceiling.
Man, beer changes everything
Before entering the Great American Beer Festival: cranky, hungry, not full of beer
Upon exiting the Great American Beer Festival: drunk (thank you, Lost Abbey barrel aged deliciousness), drunk (thank you Firestone Walker oatmeal stout), drunk (thank you whatever delicious Cigar City beer that was), and full of food (lamb bacon! lamb burgers! weird noodles that were made of fish! awesome popcorn!)
"Work" is "tough"
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take the rest of the day off to “work” at the Great American Beer Festival by “drinking” all the “beer” into my “mouth” and then “eating” all the “food for VIPs” they have in the “back of the convention center” where it’s “quiet” and where no “frat...
Rest high above the clouds
Did we ever figure out where that satellite crashing to earth ended up landing? I bet if it landed on a Jew’s house, they’d be all, “Why did that satellite have to land on our house? Why has He forsaken us?! Why must my family be subjected to his wrath?”
And if it didn’t land on a Jew’s house, that same dude would say, “Now that I’m thinking about...
BUT WHAT IF THE CLOUD GOES DOWN?
I probably shouldn’t have been staring at her from across the coffeeshop for as long as I had, but I couldn’t help myself. Then she caught me looking, which is never good. Well, time to make a move, I thought.
I walked over to the couch where she was sitting.
“Hey, I’m Lee,” I said.
“Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer,” she...
At least I have health insurance for when my...
Day Laborer: outside, painting a fence, inhaling horrible paint-based chemicals, singing happy songs to himself in Spanish, and whistling.
Me: inside climate-controlled environment, lounging in comfortable leather chair in my home, frowning at computer screen, wishing restauranteurs would reply to my emails, watching the minutes tick by as deadline fast approaches, and miserable.
When I grow up...
When I grow up, I want to be a conventioneer. Bluetooth earpiece nestled in my ear canal. Lanyard wrapped around my neck, holding a laminated badge with my name and company proudly displayed. Venti Starbucks half-caf mocha (AND TWO PUMPS OF TOFFEE NUT BECAUSE I’M A GODDAMN INDIVIDUAL, PLEASE) in my hand, procured from my hotel’s affiliated coffeeshop. A mustache, trimmed perfectly....
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Timing is everything
Just saw a woman with a sign: “Mom of 4 laid off. Looking for work.”
I walked up to her and told her I had the solution. I handed her a time machine and five condoms.
She did not appreciate my gesture.
“This isn’t funny. I only have four kids, asshole.”
“The fifth one is for you,” I said. “Get out there and celebrate.”
Prescription filled by Dr. Feelgood
Living in a small town, I run into people I know all the time. This morning it was the very nice young woman who works at my local coffeeshop. She was in front of Pharmaca, which is like Rite Aid, but only white people go there and it’s triple the price. She looked harried.
“Hey!” I said. “Hey Lee,” she said. “Umm, what’s up?”
“Nothing!...
Here's a joke I wrote for work today that was cut
“Sightseeing by train enables you to see sides of places you’ve never experienced before, like Amtrak’s Front Range route that offers up-close views of mountain wildlife, or the NYC subway’s up-close views of upcoming storylines for CSI: NY!”
(It was cut because the punchline doesn’t quite line up with the first part of the set-up, but it’s still funny, I...
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Chattin' it up with teenage transients!
SCENE: Downtown Boulder. 3:14 PM. A group of teenage transients walks by me. One particularly aggressive dude blocks my path.
Teenage Transient (right in my face): Excuse me sir, can you spare an Audi and a bag of blow?
Me: No. And you know what I also can't give you? The love of your parents. You know why? Because even they thought you were annoying. The second you left your mom's overused vagina, she abandoned you. I can't say I blame her.
Teenage Transient stabs me 47 times in the stomach.
Me: Worth it.
Dancing about architecture (comedy edition)
I’m ready to watch Seth Meyers do stand-up comedy. I’ve seen him do improv at UCB before, and he’s good! But never stand-up. He was great at the White House correspondent’s dinner (though he got help with the writing from every awesome comedy writer in NYC), and at the ESPYs (yep, same deal), so I’m excited to see if his stuff stands on its own.
Last night I watched...
Bye!
When people have phone conversations on TV dramas, they never end the conversation by saying “bye.” Ever. They just hang up when the conversation comes to its natural conclusion. I find this to be unrealistic. I don’t think I’ve ever had a phone call that didn’t end with both parties saying goodbye.
Ok, that’s not true. More than once, a woman talking to me has...
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“Jews used to leave the hot, sweltering summer heat in New York City. Between the...”
– Mel Brooks, in a new HBO special where he tells stories with Dick Cavett
Even though I only had a passing familiarity with half of the old-time comedians/directors/actors they discuss, the stories they tell about those people are flat-out amazing. If you have HBO, you gotta watch.
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Today truly is the Super Bowl of 9/11 tribute...
On flirting with a barista
How to flirt with a barista:
“I’d like a tea, please,” you’ll say.
“In a pint glass or in a teacup?” she’ll ask.
“In a teacup,” you’ll say. “I’m a refined gentleman, after all.”
She will laugh.
“Make sure to stick your pinky out,” she’ll say.
FLIRT SUCCESSFUL
How not to flirt with a barista:
...
Tropical Storm Me
“Lee spawned 20 confirmed tornadoes in the United States.”
- Wikipedia’s entry on Tropical Storm Lee
“Lee spawned 20 confirmed children with 19 different women in the United States. When asked why he had sex with one of the women twice, Lee replied, ‘What can I say? I’m loyal to a fault.’”
- a rejected Wikipedia entry on my complicated sexual past
KRVTZ!
Lenny Kravitz has a new album out. I haven’t been this excited since Lenny Kravitz released his album before that. And before that, I hadn’t been that excited since Lenny Kravitz released his previous album. And before that, I hadn’t been that excited since Lenny Kravitz released his previous album. And before that, I hadn’t been that excited since Lenny Kravitz released...
“I suppose the key to a good life is to gently overlook the truth and hope that...”
– Simon Van Booy, from The Secret Lives of People in Love
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On charitable donations
Today I went food shopping at Whole Foods. I spent a large sum of money on not a lot of stuff, because that’s the amount you need to spend to buy food there. The checkout girl finished scanning my items and then said:
“Would you like to round up the total amount to help blahblahblah charity?”
The total came to $64.05.
I did not, because that’s basically a dollar. If it...
WatchAmy Sedaris was on Fallon this week. It gets really, really good.