February 2012
“Anyone want to see pictures of my Playstation 3?”
– the question I asked a carful of people sharing pictures of their young children - no one was interested.
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Things I have done today that I do not do most...
successfully ridden a snowboard in fresh powder without killing myself or others
ok, to be fair, that’s because I was riding on a private mountain and there was no one to run into
yeah, I didn’t know “private mountains” were a thing either
they are
and they are spectacular
swam outside in an infinity pool in 30 degree weather
soaked in a hot tub
received a massage...
My favorite moment at dinner tonight
A table full of people. One lady in her early 40s is sitting next to a married couple in their early 30s.
Lady (to the couple): Do you have kids?
Couple shakes their heads no simultaneously.
Lady (to the couple): Trying for one?
Couple shakes their heads no simultaneously.
Dead silence that seemingly lasts a full minute.
I sit back and watch with complete wonderment, wondering if the silence will ever end. I half expect everyone to stop eating mid-bite, stand up as a group, and walk back to their hotel rooms, never to speak again. This is the snippet of conversation that has broken the form of communication called conversation. No one will be allowed to communicate via conversation anymore. This woman has destroyed it.
My middle name's Adventure
Standing at a bus stop this morning with luggage, ready to go to the airport.
Dude next to me: So, where you headed?
Me (in my head): Hmm, actually that's none of your business.
I smile and nod, like he's just asked an important question.
Me: Wherever the wind takes me.
Dude: Whoa. You're just going to get on a random plane?
Me (in my head): I wish I were cool enough to do that.
Me: Yep.
I smile like I'm the guy who does this sort of shit all the time.
Dude: Damn. That's awesome.
Me: I know.
Lee's In-Depth Oscar Fashion Wrapup
SOME DRESSES ARE FABULOUS!
OTHER DRESSES ARE NOT PRETTY!
CLOTHING IS DEFINITELY BEING WORN!
Tonight's Big Oscar Surprises
the War Horse shows up on the red carpet and tramples Glenn Close to death
Sacha Baron Cohen dresses as a dictator, is immediately given millions of dollars and weapons by the CIA
Jennifer Aniston wins a participant ribbon because America feels bad for her and wants her to get her life back on track
the dog from The Artist shows up on the red carpet and pees on Glenn Close’s mangled...
On the importance of texting
Next week I’ll be in a place without cell reception for three days. I’m not looking forward to this.
On the upside, the place is a luxury resort with WiFi, and they will cater to my every need. All the food is world-class and on the house (lobster eggs benedict for breakfast, for example). I’m going snowmobiling, snowboarding, ice fishing, and snowshoeing. They have a huge spa...
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“If this kale isn’t organic, I’m going to punch someone in the...”
– an actual thought I had at the supermarket today, before quickly realizing that I should never be allowed to complain about anything, ever
My very brief encounter with Maya Rudolph
Watching her host SNL last night, I recalled the brief encounter I had with her at the afterparty I went to around 4,012 seasons ago (approximate). My girlfriend at the time was a huge fan and wanted to meet her, but was too nervous to approach her. I decided not to let the moment slip away and make the introduction myself.
I walked up to her when she wasn’t talking to anyone and said...
A guy who isn't ready to be a dad writes a birth...
It’s our pleasure to announce the birth of Fiona Emily Smith, nine months after my ex-girlfriend and I had sex one night in an Applebees bathroom after splitting one of those insane 2 for $20 deals. Maybe we should’ve named the kid Apple Bees! She weighs in at 6 pounds, 3 ounces, which is pretty big for a girl. Hope she won’t grow up to be a fatty! I don’t know, I know...
True love
“Hey baby,” I said. “What’re you doing?”
“Umm, I’m having Valentine’s Day lunch with my boyfriend, asshole,” she said.
“Yeah, who the fuck are you?” the dude with a million muscles said.
“I’m Lee,” I said. “And I’m here to steal your girlfriend.”
They both laughed. I did not laugh. I knew I...
Listen
Dear Everyone,
No. No, I will not watch your stuff. You will gather up your laptop and your gym bag and you will take it into the bathroom like a goddamn adult.
Love, Lee
Guys, just got this news that will blow your mind. Adele was actually singing about this hamburger she didn’t have time to eat in “Someone Like You.” Makes the song even more sad, if you ask me. :(
Liveblogging the 2011 romcom Something Borrowed...
Draaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa
John Kransinski says something adorrrrableeeeeee
Moe draaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaa
THIS HOT GUY IS SHIRTLESS
Kate Hudson’s character is unexpectedly eaten alive by hungry cannibal warlords, but she’s wearing this totally cute dress that I think I saw on Rue La La and didn’t buy because I’m an IDIOT, but this cannibal scene is really intense and it almost...
Momma said knock you out
Dear Thirtysomething Moms Laughing Uproariously In This Diner,
I know this is your first time out without your newborn in three months, but your excitement and laughter over Mom Stuff while you eat an egg white omelet is cramping everyone else’s style. I know your kid can’t talk yet and your husband tunes you out when you talk about how yoga went today, but please, for the love of...
It's actually closer to 2ft
I think I’m growing up, because tonight I hung out with some ladies who work for a condom company and was able to restrain myself by telling only one dick joke the entire evening. I’d like to share it with you.
“Do you guys have the capacity to create an extra, extra-large condom?” I asked. “Something like 5ft tall and super wide? I think it’d make a hilarious...
Subtext
Me: I've crafted this text for hours and it is so genius it will make you fall in love with me.
(three hours pass)
Her: I took three hours to reply to this. The only reason I replied at all is to let you know I received it and so you don't think I'm a cold bitch who ignores things. The only real feeling I have towards you is indifference.
Me: I'm sending you another text five seconds after you replied. This is the one you're really going to love.
Her: I'm not replying to this at all. I don't care if you think I'm a cold bitch at this point. These texts have to stop.
Me: Can't tell if you liked those last texts or if they never got to you because AT&T has such an unreliable network, so I'm going to wait at least three days before I text you anything else. This text doesn't count.
(ten minutes pass)
Me: Sorry about those other three texts. Those were shit. Here's the goods. Bet you didn't regret giving me your phone number after you read that!
Her: I hope your phone crashes and you lose my number.
Me: I really should impale myself on my phone at this point, but I'm going to try one last text chock full of bon mots. This is your last chance to recognize how much you love me and not that dude you're casually dating who is 6'4", drives a Ferrari, and probably is funnier than me without trying because everything anyone says in a Ferrari is automatically funny and charming.
Her: That was mildly funny. Gotta go, this tall dude wants me to give him another beej now, and I gotta warm up my jaw.
Me: Cool, I'll keep texting you genius-level hilarity for the next few months.
Anything*
“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”
- Marilyn Monroe
“Considering Marilyn Monroe’s relationships were with an athlete and the dude who wrote Death of a Salesman, apparently that doesn’t include sex.”
- amateur historian
Sometimes I take a picture of my dick using Instagram just to see what it would look like if my genitals time-traveled to 1945.
NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — An outbreak of herpes struck the entire New York Giants team after all the players kissed the Lombardi Trophy. It is unknown if all the players already had herpes before they kissed the trophy.
Super Bowl party!
Having a Super Bowl party this year. It’s the same as always: me, alone in my home, drinking cans of expired Four Loko, eating buckets of fried chicken from Kennedy Fried Chicken that I’ve airlifted in overnight from one of New York City’s poorest neighborhoods, watching NBC’s hours of pre-game coverage featuring the stars of NBC’s newest shows that no one will ever...
Now THAT'S a deal
NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — Tumblr, Inc. has announced today that for one dollar, users can promote their posts on the social media giant. For two dollars, they can promote two posts with a variety of branded signifiers. And for three dollars, Tumblr founder David Karp will visit a users home within the continental US and give them a short, intense backrub.
I’m glad dudes send me emails with that pompous “Sent from my iPad” signature at the bottom, because it lets me know that they enjoy sending correspondence sans pants from their bed while their girlfriends lay next to them and pretend to read a Margaret Atwood novel, though she’s really just wondering if she’s remembering right that the last time they had sex was over...
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