I'm a guy living in Colorado. I used to live in NYC. You can reach me at itssharingtime (at) gmail.com.
This is amazing. I don’t even have a dick and I STILL just laughed it off.
Visit the official homepage of RAAAAAAAANDY, my character from Funny People.
Check out the soundboard, learn about Randy’s passion for helping Darfur, and more!
Jason Woliner and I also created a whole video series/documentary about Randy that will debut on the site in some form in the coming weeks.
“That ain’t a cheeseburger, that’s my diiiiiiiiick!” deserves to be a catchphrase.
“The proposed ‘Oklahoma Citizen’s Proclamation for Morality’ would blame the economic crisis on moral collapse.
[here’s the resolution…]
WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and
WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion,
pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery”
(Washington Independent via HuffPo)
Friend: Lee, what’re you doing Saturday night?
Me: Dude, I don’t know. I was thinking I might go out and get divorced, have an illegitimate birth, beat a child. Or I could stay home and watch porn. Whatever, it’s all the same. I tried to get a same sex marriage, but it turns out you have to be gay for that.
I wish the Oklahoma Proclamation for Morality was more specific in what it meant by “other forms of debauchery” so I could do that stuff too :(
Over fifteen years ago, Duracell failed to renew its trademark in the US, which allowed its competitor, Energizer, to swoop in and trademark its own pink, alkaline-powered drumming bunny in an effort to mock the Duracell campaign and claim its products’ superiority. This is why, these days, North American TV viewers are accustomed to seeing their bunnies running on Energizer, whereas it’s Duracell for those in the rest of the world.
—
from Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive
When I was overseas a few years back, I bought a pack of Duracells and saw the Energizer bunny on it. I thought it was funny that the shady company making knockoff batteries didn’t know which company had the bunny. Little did I know…
I killed my sworn enemy, but first I made sure he was an organ donor. I had been legally blind since two. Now that he was dead, well, someone had to use his eyes, right? Why not me?
I spend my days staring at the sun.
Things I have stolen from work:
Things work has stolen from me:
Let me preface this post with the following: I love Jenny Lewis. She’s an amazing musician, has a beautiful voice and I would be happy to sleep with her if granted express written consent from my girlfriend (and Major League Baseball, just to be sure).
That said, do not ever, ever, ever watch her perform in high-def. It pains me to say this: she has a beard to rival Zach Galifianakis.
Jenny, if you read this… call me?
Clem Snide- No One’s More Happy Than You
Why that’s the easiest auto-reblog in the universe.
Even the sky’s feelin blue
In almost every porn ever, there’s a point in the scene where the girl is about to say something really filthy, but her mouth and her brain aren’t on the same page. The result is that what she says makes no sense.
“Yeah, put that dick right there on my… brain. Yeah… right, that’s right. Don’t stop rubbing my… elbows. Tits.”
You can just hear the gears turning in her drug-addled mind. Instead, I propose the ladies should blurt out a random fact when they can’t get a hold of the right word, which would go a much longer way in covering up a faux pas.
“Yeah, put that dick right there on my… brain… did you see that 60 Minutes piece on fMRI brain scans where doctors can actually see what you’re thinking? Neuroscience sure has come a long way. Yeah, I said come.”
As proven, it also opens the door to beautiful segues.
