Sharing Time!

Magic!

I’m on an Amtrak train with free WiFi. In the pantheon of cool places to have WiFi, it’s not as cool as having WiFi on a plane, but it’s much cooler than being forced to stare out the window of an Amtrak train and seeing New Jersey.

There’s a businessman in his mid-60s sitting next to me typing on an HP laptop with a screen so large it was once used as the Jumbotron in Shea Stadium. He’s using an actual mouse. I wonder if he knows he has a touchpad. Ok, that’s neither here nor there.

Louis C.K. has that famous bit where he talks about a dude next to him on a plane complaining about the slow WiFi. Louis berates him for being a privileged asshole. I laugh at that bit because I identified with the privileged asshole.

But today? Today, the roles were switched.

The old businessman turned to me:

“Is it just me or is this Internet slow?” he asked, smiling. He put his hands up in the air as if to say, “Why me? Why am I cursed with the wonder of the Internet on this godforsaken train?”

I took off my headphones.

“It’s not bad. It’s free internet. On a train,” I said, and smiled back.

He turned back to his computer shaking his head.

It felt so good I had to say it again.

“The internet! On a train!”

He didn’t turn back to look at me when I said it a second time, but he must’ve known I was smiling when I said it.

I don’t what it is about Daniel Kitson, but I smile like I’m hopped up on pills whenever he speaks. He’s got a way with words, and in his new show that runs for another few days in Brooklyn, he puts them all to magnificent use.

The last few shows are probably sold out, but it’d be worth your time to stand outside in the rain like an old lady did last night, asking if anyone had an extra ticket. Unless you were that old lady and you’re reading this, in which case, I hope you got in.

(photo by Pavel Antonov)

“Now whenever my girlfriend screams another man’s name in her dreams, I can barely hear it!”

New York’s hottest club is “Fire Alarm”…

SCENE: An airplane. Every third passenger seems to be coughing.
Me (to the guy next to me): Sure does sound like a ca-cough-ony!
Everyone in my row: *deafening silence*

This is a photo from a party my company threw last week. Here I am pointing to a name on a list.

I am an incredible asset to my company.

But not weird enough that I won’t do it again

I prefer no strings attached sex because otherwise you get all tangled up in the puppet wires and it gets weird really quickly.

My new blog: A Cupcake A Day!!!!

Hey ladies! It’s me, Gillian. Today I’m starting a new blog called “A Cupcake A Day” and I wanted to tell you a little about it.

WHAT MY NEW BLOG WILL BE ABOUT:

• Umm, cupcakes! Every FUCKING day!
• Feminism!
• Just kidding, it’s mostly just photos of cupcakes I see online and am like, OM NOM NOM NOM NOM. LOLZZZZZ!

WHAT MY NEW BLOG WILL NOT BE ABOUT:

• John.
• Seriously. I know people have been complaining that I write about him a lot on my personal blog and that I miss him and need him. You will not find John-related content on this new blog. For real!
  
• I don’t need him. I only need RED VELVETS. Why can’t cream cheese frosting be my boyfriend?!
• Though now that we’re on the topic of John, we took that one vacation to Tulum, you know, in Mexico? It was last summer. And we were laying together on this two person hammock, and the sun was setting. So beautiful. And he turned to me, and he said, “I could lay here the rest of my life with you.” Apparently he was kidding because then he fucked that whore Crystal (WHAT KIND OF A STUPID FUCKING NAME IS CRYSTAL) like two weeks later. So there’s John for you! That’s why I’m not blogging about him anymore.
• Cupcakes
• I had you going there for a second. It’s going to be all about cupcakes!!!
  
• And John. Lots of posts about how cupcakes remind me of John.

Talk to me like an adult

I love the way parents talk to their younger kids in that sing-songy way that’s not at all condescending or annoying. Besides, that voice surely helps the children understand. I only wish parents would continue to use that voice once their kids are older.

“Did you get her pregnant? That’s right! Pregnant! You know what that means, don’t you, my little snuggle bug?”

“You smell like weed and cheap whiskey, don’t you babydoll? Yes you do! You DO smell like schwag and the back of a pickup truck!”

“You’re so funny! You’re my little miracle! No, you can’t borrow 500 dollars for rent.”

“I don’t know why you were born, sweetiepie. Your father and I got along back in the 80s! Yes we did!”

Portrait of the artist as an old, old man

SCENE: Nursing home in the year 2070.
Nurse: Hi Lee. Got any big plans today? Want to walk around the building with me?
Me: Nope. I'm sittin' today.
Nurse: That's what you did yesterday.
Me: I know. But this is what I want to do with my golden years. Sit.
Nurse: You sure? We could go up in the flying car for a bit. We could play against each other with the Nintendos embedded in our brains. We could teleport to Spain and have a glass of wine.
Me: I like sittin'. It's what I'm good at. I'm just gonna sit here and let the memories of my life wash over me.
Nurse: Ahh. What memories are you thinking about?
Me: That time I had a good sit back in 2012. There damn near was never a better sit had in m'life. I miss that sit.
Nurse: Ok, well, if you want to do anything, you tell me, ok?
Me: I'm sure I won't. Not unless it involves sittin'.
Nurse: You know what? I'm going to have a sit with you!
Me: Please leave. You're ruining m'sit.