Sharing Time!

THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEAALLLLLLLL

I went to Record Store Day early Saturday morning and stood in line in front of a young woman who bought a single record: a reissue of Linkin Park’s landmark album from 2000, Hybrid Theory.

She was the only one in the store who bought one, so I decided to talk to her about her purchase.

• “Are you worried about getting a Papercut from the album sleeve?”
• “Once I’m done paying for this Elliott Smith 7” (because I am a very sensitive gentleman), you’ll be One Step Closer to buying your favorite album of all time!”
• “I bet you would’ve been cool with Crawling to the store to buy that album, right?!”
• “In The End, Record Store Day is pretty great, isn’t it?”
• “Hey, why are you still listening to Linkin Park?”

Me before reading this graphic novel: Ha, this’ll be funny. Daniel Clowes is funny! Look at that crazy looking weapon, that’s funny! This is going to be page after page of hilarity.

Me after reading this graphic novel: I hate everything and everyone. There are no good people in the universe. We are all products of our environment.

(Ok, I don’t really believe the above, but you get the point. I guess that’s what I get for judging a book by its cover.)

I think the most tense half-hour TV show in the world would be “Woman Searching For Something Important In Her Purse.”

TruTV, if you’re reading this? Call me.

Scars

“See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!” said the schoolyard bully to me, 20 years ago to this day. April 11, 1993.

His words have echoed through my mind since then. I’ve spent the last 20 years making sure he’d regret saying that.

I found him on Facebook. I emailed him the following.

“Hey Chad,

Remember when you pushed me down in front of everyone? Remember when you laughed when I started to cry because my jeans ripped? And then you said, ‘See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya?’

Well, I remember it. It was the worst day of my life. But I bet you would want to be me now. I own a Kia Sephia. Yeah, they discontinued that model in 2003, but it’s still a sweet ride.

I have a great girlfriend. She’s super hot, too. She lives in Canada and I only talk to her on the phone via very expensive phone cards, but she assures me she’s not Catfishing me.

Most importantly, I’m happy with who I am now. I see you on Facebook, and based on what I see, I wouldn’t want to be you. HOW DOES THAT FUCKING FEEL?

Fuck you,

Lee”

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I received a reply an hour later.

————————

“Hey Lee,

I haven’t thought about you in years. Hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry to hear I caused you so much pain in the past. I had a rough time growing up, and I took it out on my classmates.

That being said, your life sounds shitty.

As always, I see you, and I wouldn’t want to be you,

Chad”

This joke’s been made before, right?

My favorite show on TV is disturbing, but I love it. It’s called American Horror Story. Or as it’s listed on my DVR, 16 & Pregnant. 

This is about death, and the patient/therapist relationship

So my therapist died. It’s ok, she was sort of old. And sick for a while. And now she’s dead. I found this out when, after not hearing from her for a few months, I showed up to her office and found it lacking any furniture. The door was open and no one was inside. There were two keys on the mantle, above a fireplace that never worked.

I last heard from her on the phone in December, calling me in a half-delirious state, asking me not to “quit on her,” and to apologize for canceling the appointment we had for the third straight time. I felt bad.

“Sure,” I said. “We can reschedule.”

Little did I know we’d have to reschedule for some time in the afterlife. AM I RIGHT?!

Anyways, she saw me for a bunch of years. I heard stories about how she worked in PR in Detroit back when women weren’t in positions of power. How she was able to navigate that world and make friends wherever she went. How she once married a Jewish guy, until that fell apart. She changed careers at 50, never had kids, lived alone in the suburbs. But she lived completely on her terms.

Since her patients weren’t invited to her funeral, I’m going to let this post serve as my little memorial to her, to those hours upon hours I spent sitting across from her on that big ass couch, spilling my guts out to one of the sweetest old ladies who had to endure complaining from a privileged guy who most of the time has nothing to complain about. 

You earned every penny, Pat. Hope you’re in a better place now.

“Ever wondered what a vegan prom looks like?”

That was a headline I read this morning. To reiterate, this is a direct quote of the headline: “Ever wondered what a vegan prom looks like?”

I did not click on it because I have never wondered what a vegan prom looks like.

Here are a list of things I have also never wondered about:

• what an omnivore’s quinceañera looks like
• what a pescatarian’s retirement party looks like
  
• what a carnivore’s bat mitzvah looks like
  
• what a paleo dieter’s frat initiation looks like
  

I’ll update you later if I can think of other things I haven’t wondered about.

We need a cleanup in produce

Starbucks VIA Ready Brew

Today at the gym, they inexplicably had a whole mess of free Starbucks VIA Ready Brew. Turns out, the stuff was about to expire, so I took a few packs. Then I went home and made it. Turns out to be pretty delicious even if you’re not a big fan of Starbucks coffee, like me.

It was so good that I’d make Starbucks VIA Ready Brew a part of my daily routine, if only Starbucks would send me a free case.

You hear that, Starbucks? During the summer, I’m always making my own cold brew coffee, but I would stop if you’d send me a free case of your delicious Starbucks VIA Ready Brew.

I just had a sip. Damn, that’s tasty.

When the cold, refreshing taste of Starbucks VIA Ready Brew hits my lips, I’m ready for whatever the day will bring.

Starbucks: it’s coffee… for the soul.

(All opinions are the bloggers own. Do not inject Starbucks VIA Ready Brew into the bloodstream. Do not mix Starbucks VIA Ready Brew with potent amounts of Everclear to create the ultimate brunch drink. Do not drink Starbucks VIA Ready Brew in combination with a coffee beverage purchased at a Starbucks retail outlet, as you may explode into exactly 1,000 pieces, and will never be heard from again.)

Show off

I go to the dentist a lot. And I have a weird thing I do where I keep the dental bib on afterwards because I want people in public to see how tough I am. Yeah, there’s blood on there. No big deal. I took it like a champ. I went to the dentist! I did it! And I want everyone to know about it!

It’s not weird. I’m just applying the same principle as people who wear the commemorative t-shirt from the 5k they ran in 2009.