Sharing Time!

New DirecTV ad!

In light of DirecTV’s popular new ads featuring deceased actors (Chris Farley in Tommy Boy and Heather O’Rourke in Poltergeist), DirecTV will soon be shooting a brand new television advertisement that should be even more timely and funny.

I heard they’ve acquired rare footage of malnourished children from the Irish potato famine and added a hilarious voiceover of what they’re thinking! You know what they’re thinking? That all they wish is that they could see the NFL in HD. Oh, and how they wish their potatoes didn’t have a disease so they could find some to eat! And you’ll never guess who they have doing the voice: Jim Belushi. It’s gonna be great.

A joke I would tell if I were eighty and in a nursing home

I haven’t had sex since we had a white President. It’s true! That man was Dwight D. Eisenhower. I liked Ike. I’m not racist. You’re racist, Doris Kearns Goodwin! I would like some pudding. Chocolate puddinggggggggggggggggggg.

Oh, for the love of all that's holy!

VH-1 has a dating show called “For the Love of Ray J.” Ray J is a non-famous musician who is related to Brandy, a formerly famous singer.

Let’s recap how VH-1 came up with the name of his show:

1. Take a common phrase, “For the love of God”
2. Remove the word God
3. Replace the word that refers to the entity which is purported to have CREATED THE EARTH AND ALL THAT LIVES WITHIN IT and replace that with the name of an R&B singer who couldn’t even get famous off of a sex tape

That’s about right.

Inappropriate things to email your ex-girlfriend when you find out she's dating someone new

• Start your email with “Hey girl (who has let me do unspeakable things to her), what’s up?”
• Refer to the used car you just bought as “some other guy’s sloppy seconds” followed by “your new boyfriend knows all about that” and then put three thousand winky emoticons after
• Tell her you heard she was in love with him; ask her if her definition of love when you were dating (“a guy I tolerated being around so I could use him for his money”) still holds true
• Your new e-mail signature? “‘My last girlfriend was a lying slut and I almost feel sorry for the new guy who has to put up with her shit.’ - Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird or something, wait, or Ulysses or another book which makes me seem super smart.”
• An erotic short-story in which you run into her and her new boyfriend on a date and then seduce him in order to prove to her that he’s gay

Yankee Stadium was so empty at the end last night I thought I was watching a Knicks game.

Go Phils!

What a badass.

(via the700level)

There's a new gadget out now. Its only function is to send updates to Twitter. That's all it does. In other news, I've lost the will to live.

Snowflakes are like women: unique, beautiful and after having sex with one, I'm left cold and alone.

Update: Yeah, I fuck snowflakes. WHAT OF IT?

Look who's talking

This took place last week. The cashier is a girl who can't be over 23. She starts ringing me up.
Cashier: So how're you?
Me: Not bad. My face is swollen because I got a wisdom tooth pulled.
Cashier: Oh man. I have to get one out soon. I'm so nervous.
Me: Yeah, it's not so bad though. At least they gave me Vicodin.
Cashier: That puts me to sleep. I don't like the way it makes me feel.
Me: No?
Cashier: Yeah, when I had my first kid...
(I stop listening to her. You have more than one child? ON PURPOSE? Youth is wasted on the young, indeed. Do you want me to babysit for one night so you can experience the world outside of dirty diapers and your failing marriage to what I'm guessing is a 22-year-old because neither of you are adults and don't know how to communicate yet?)
Cashier: And then with my second kid...
(I can babysit for two.)

I have pants and they are fancy.

Last night me and a lady with a blog went to the James Beardiest winning restaurant in town. It was the most butter-drenched, pancetta-filled meal I’ve ever eaten in my life. Butter and pancetta don’t make up any part of my diet on a regular basis, so it was a treat as well.

Let’s go to the food, shall we?

Munson Farm Butternut Squash, Pancetta Crisp and Sage (soup that was wow)

La Tur and Soft Ricotta “Ravioli Rettangolari” with Cure Farm Broccoli, Cipollini Onions and Parmesan “Profumato” (Me: what’s rettangolari? Waiter: rectangular Me: I knew that, I was just testing you)

Butter Roasted Black Grouper, Sunchoke Crema, Pole Beans, Warm Pancetta Vinaigrette (a white flaky fish with the best green beans in the universe)

And then some honeycrisp apple turnovers with vanilla bean gelato for dessert. Oh hell yes.

We also hatched an idea whereby if money were no option, we’d hire a camera crew all wearing Pizza Hut uniforms to burst in at dinnertime and tell everyone that the food they’re eating is from Pizza Hut. Oh, only in dreams.

When we left, I was on a food high. I think I still am. I hope no one notices.