Sharing Time!

A snippet of conversation from a date I went on last night

Me: Tell me about yourself.
Her: Well, I'm a single mom.
Me: Oh. Really? You didn't mention that earlier.
Her: Yeah, didn't think it was that important.
Me: You didn't think the fact that you have a kid was important to mention?
Her: Two.
Me: Oh.
Her: Yeah, whatever. I don't see them very often.
Me: That's too bad. They're staying with their dad?
Her: No, they're with me. I just don't like spending time with them. I spend a lot of money on babysitters.
Me: I get that. Well, I'm flattered you got them one for our date tonight!
Her: Actually, they're waiting for me in the bathroom.
Little girl walks up to me.
Her: That's one of mine. (to girl) GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM!
Little Girl: I'm hungry. Are you my dad?
Me: No. Take some bread from our table, honey.
Her (slaps bread out of girl's hand): Remember baby, bread's for fatties.
Me: Umm...
Her: She's on a cleanse.
Little Girl: I'm always hungry.
Me: I gotta go.

Not sure if you could tell by the cover, but this book is ridiculous. It was written partly by a Conan writer, partly by some other dudes, and some by that guy who wrote Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason (which I greatly enjoyed).

Needless to say, it’s very funny. And would serve as a perfect gift for any dick joke enthusiast.

Adele songs of the future

Adele’s first album is called 19, and is based around her experiences at age 19. Her latest album, 21, is much of the same.

Here are song titles from her forthcoming album (released in the 2060s) called 72:

• “I Really Had It Good In The 2010s Before The Robots Took Over”
• “Where Are My Keys?”
• “Where Are My Keys? (Pt 2)”
• “Oh, They’re In My Purse”
• “Where Are My Keys (Now I’m Talking About The Piano)”
• “Someone Like You Needs To Help Me Cross The Street”
• “Rumour Has It (I’ve Lost Control Of My Bowels)”
• “Chasing Pavements (I’ve Fallen Down In The Street)”
• “Best For Last” (editor’s note: this is now a song about dying)
• “Set Fire To The Rain” (editor’s note: in the future, all rain is toxic and when it hits you, it burns your skin)
• “I Outlived That Dude I Wrote About In 21”
• “HA HA HA (You’re Dead)”

I could not oblige

For lunch today, I ate an amazing vegan hot dog (hear me out, this sentence is about to get better) topped with wasabi aioli, caramelized apples, and smoked cheddar. It was so delicious that I thought to myself, “You know, Denver isn’t such a bad town, after all.”

Then I stepped outside and a pigeon landed ON MY SHOULDER.

“What the fuck, pigeon?” I screamed.

And I swear to you that pigeon whispered in my ear, “I’ll give you an HJ for a dollar.”

Holy crap.

HOLY CRAP.

How does Errol Morris blow my mind every single time?

Then I read this follow-up from Salon.com and the last paragraph made my jaw drop some more.

Wow.

2012 is off to a great start

So I woke up in the drunk tank this morning.

Here’s what I remember from last night’s party: I cracked open a beer and started requesting all the Justin Bieber songs I knew to the DJ. I also remember being super popular at the party, per usual. “How do you know so many Bieber songs off the top of your head, Lee?” all the hottest girls at the party asked me. “I don’t know, ladies. Now get me a beer!” I said to all 50 of them. I felt bad for their dates because they were so into me and my vast Bieber knowledge. I was like a veritable Bieberpedia over there!

Cut to this morning.

I wake up in a super not-comfy jail cell next to an obese dude who told me, “I’m going to fuck the pretty out of you.” Is that even possible? Whatever, it was one crazy night, and I hope that if we make it to 2013, I get to do it all over again!!!

I found a notebook I used at my old job. This frightens me a little.

IT’S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!!

Subject: IT’S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!!
To: Homegurl 1, Homegurl 2, Homegurl 3, Homegurl 4

LADIEZZZZZ!!! I don’t normally email all of you all at once, but y’all are my BFFs and I want to make sure to keep you in the loop on this shiz (LUV U GUISE). But I’ve got big news: I’m DOING MY FIRST JUICE CLEANSE THIS WEEK!!!! Yes, it’s also the week that Charles is out of town, but I didn’t want him to see me running to the bathroom like forty-seven times a day…ugh, could you even imagine?

Anywhoozle, I need your support. I’m going to drink nothing but agave, lemon, and spinach for the next week. This means I need you to NOT MENTION anything about food to me. Do not tell me about the hamburger you had for lunch. Do not talk about your homemade pot roast. DO NOT EVEN MENTION JON HAMM. His name is like a food and I will want to claw your face off for a piece.

Finally, I know some of y’all (KAREN) believe that a weeklong juice cleanse is not a substitute for healthy living, and I want to address that with a simple, “FUCK YOU KAREN.” I love you and all, but 2012 will finally be the year I take care of myself.

Oh, and when I’m done this cleanse?

WE ARE GONNA PARTY LIKE FUCKING ANIMALS!!!!

Sad news

Katy Perry filed for divorce today. I haven’t been this upset since Zooey Deschanel filed for divorce.

Unreleased Chelsea Handler books

• Drunk Slut (That’s Me!)
• America Is Not Sick Of Me Yet So Here’s Another Book I Wrote
• Drunk Whore (Me Again!)
• I’ve Fucked A Lot Of People (Here Is A List Of Their Names)
• Jokes That Were Not Good Enough For My Stand-Up Routine
• I Have A Show On E! And Therefore I Was Asked To Write A Book
• Fucking Dudes And Getting Wasted: The Book