He's just caught in the undertow
Dear innocent-looking college freshman on the bus wearing a Linkin Park hoodie,
I know, they had a few killer songs! Something about a lady bringing you one step closer to the edge? Oh man. I FELT THAT SHIT. Not sarcastic. It spoke to me when I was in college and was full of angst and bitterness and other awesome feelings. No doubt about it.
But here’s when you and I split. I did not feel the need to buy clothing that let everybody know how a lady has made me feel numb and tired, but so much more aware. Because then they might think I am mentally unstable or have bad taste in music. You don’t want to give off that vibe either! I can tell. I see a little of myself in you. It’s like when an equally misguided version of myself in high school wore a t-shirt advertising a hilarious musical called “How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying” (Original Broadway Cast, motherfuckers). And to think I somehow left with my virginity intact. No one saw that coming (double entendre alert)!
Anyhow, best of luck finding a lady who will walk next to you while you’re wearing that.
Just a guy trying to help,
Lee
GPSNOYWWWWWWW
This is a great album. It’s called “Mistake Mistake Mistake Mistake,” which is also how I refer to my last four relationships.
*rim shot*
(No, but seriously. Great album.)
Sharingtime opens his big, stupid mouth in a meeting
(I'm on a conference call with a room full of my peers in New York.)
Boss: How're things going on those accounts, Lee?
Me: *venomous outrage at how my own company is setting me up to fail and I'm doing the best I can with it, but things need to change and this is really fucking pissing me off and how dare you and how stupid can you be*
(Stunned silence in room.)
Me: *more screaming like a crazy person and I can flash-forward to tomorrow and see myself being fired for this outburst and mistakemistakemistakemistake*
(Dead air. They may have hung up on me.)
Boss: (pauses) You're right. That needs to change. Would fixing it by Monday work?
Me: Yes. That's fine.
Me (in my head): That worked?
I'm pretty sure if I ever had to insult someone working here at Enterprise rental car, I could just say, "You work at Enterprise!" and I would win.
comeoncomeon:
(via sharingtime)
are you really gonna rag on people who have jobs? low.
I would just like to note that this person hasn’t posted since April, but came back to tell me what a dick I am for making fun of people who have jobs.
This person is right. Do you have a job? FUCK YOU.
That's what I get for trying to do the right thing
Dear Girl I Just Took Out On A Date,
We had a good time the other night, right? But I wanted to address that awkward moment at the end of the night when we were in your car. You were dropping me off and I wanted to kiss you before I left, but there was that huge barrier between us in the form of your car’s gear shift. I didn’t even try to make a move due to the high potential of me accidentally shifting the car into reverse and getting you into an accident.
I apologize that my solution to this problem was getting out of the car, slashing your back tires, and then getting back into the car and saying “You look wheely tired. I hope you’re still in the mood to make out.” I realize now that joke might have been insensitive considering you were still angry about the whole tire slashing incident. That also explains why you karate chopped my genitals.
Looking forward to our second date,
Lee
I measured my dick the other day and it was 6.164563 inches. MDIA.
This past weekend I fired up the ole Blu-Ray and threw this bad boy in. Funny overall, though I’m not sure I can recommend it. This further confirms my belief that Mark Ruffalo cannot be bad in anything. Or maybe he can. Didn’t he do a movie with Meg Ryan once?
Also, one time I saw Rachel Weisz in my old neighborhood in NYC pushing a stroller. She looked haggard. I still almost proposed marriage to her, until I remembered that she’s already married to a jew. And as we all know, once you go jew… you’ll wonder why you made such a huge error in judgment.
Sharingtime goes to the supermarket
It's 7 PM on a Friday, the scientifically-proven most lonely time in the world to go food shopping. Your hero finds himself shopping at said time. All dialogue is going on in my head.
Lee: Well, self, let's find us some good apples.
Lee's Brain: Aye aye.
(The Weepies "Gotta Have You" plays over the speakers.)
Lee: Ugh.
Lee's Brain: Hey, it's that song you associate with that girl!
Lee: Tell me about it.
Lee's Brain: Don't mind if I do, Lee! Didn't you used to listen to that song on the way to see her sometimes? And hey, didn't you two used to shop here all the time?
Lee (grudgingly): Yes, brain. Great observation. Really great.
Lee's Brain: Anytime.
Lee: Hey brain. Last time I was here with her, my balls were also here. So how come you don't bring up the thought of my balls every time I shop at this particular supermarket?
Lee's Brain: I had not thought of that. I guess it was an oversight.
Lee: How about this? When I'm shopping here, we think about my balls instead.
Lee's Brain: It's up to you, Lee.
Lee: Damn right it is.
Lee's Brain (to itself): You win this round, Lee. You win this round.
I'm pretty sure if I ever had to insult someone working here at Enterprise rental car, I could just say, "You work at Enterprise!" and I would win.
6.
