Sharing Time!

The most popular podcast of 2012

An hourlong podcast wherein a flamboyant gay man describes in excruciating detail the funny videos of cats and dogs he watched at work that day.

Mindy’s obviously talented. The episodes she’s written of The Office are favorites of mine, and she’s a gifted comic actress as well. I’m just not sure her talents are as well suited for a book.

I smiled a lot while reading this, but I rarely laughed. On the other hand, I also wasn’t ever bored, so that’s something. And it’s so short, even non-readers can finish it in a few days and feel like they’ve read an entire book. Everyone wins or something.

I’m sure developing new shows for NBC and producing The Office pays a whole helluva lot better than writing a book, so that’ll likely be what she spends her time on in the future. My guess is that while she has the ability to write something funnier, I’m not sure we’ll be experiencing it in book format.

Places I’d rather not spend New Year’s Eve

• in Times Square
• in a movie theater watching the movie New Year’s Eve
• at a party that’s also being attended by the cast of New Year’s Eve
• anywhere that large groups of people countdown loudly and with enthusiasm
• in a room with Dick Clark, physically Rocking him (to sleep, in my arms)
• in the VIP area of a nightclub, drinking expensive champagne and surrounded by beautiful women who just want me for my money (this happens 364 days of the year, so I need one day of rest)
• your friend’s house party, even though it’ll be totally low key and people “don’t even watch the ball drop” which is somehow a prerequisite for a “cool” party
• in a DJ booth
• within a 50 mile radius of a DJ booth
• in a room with anyone named DJ

I don’t read Deadspin or any of the sites Mr. Magary writes on regularly, but the dystopian theme was interesting to me, and the reviews were positive, so I decided to give it a shot. It was much darker than I thought it would be (perhaps the cover wasn’t enough of a tip-off?). Almost too bleak. And this is coming from someone very comfortable with pessimism. Maybe it’s because it’s the holidays, or because people are in generally good spirits, but I figured out towards the end of the book that I wasn’t quite in the mood to read something like this.

On the plus side: the format of the book made it extremely readable (you’re basically reading blog entries of a dude in the future), the story was engaging and progressed quickly, and his depressing views of the future seemed believable.

If you’ve got the stomach, dive in.

My top searches for 2011

• “what to do if the woman you’re dating is in love with Jon Hamm”
• “how to be as good looking as Jon Hamm”
• “making your name as cool as Jon Hamm”
• “how to get a namechange to Lee Incandescently SuperCool”
• “drinking at work” + “fire-able offense?”
• “drinking in bed and not going to work at all” + “do women find this unappealing in a potential mate”
• “how to break up with a woman without her going into a murderous rage”
• “shields” + “armor” + “bodyguard”
• “Bodyguard on Blu-Ray”
• “how is Bodyguard not on Blu-Ray?!” + “movies I refuse to see unless they’re on Blu-Ray”
• “would Kevin Costner protect me like he did Whitney Houston if I paid him a lot of money?”
• “how much would it take for Jon Hamm to protect me if Costner is not available?”

New Year’s resolution update!

These were the New Year’s Resolutions I made on January 1, 2011. I’ve crossed out the ones that I have kept.

• I resolve to sit on my couch a lot.
• I resolve to go to the gym three times a week.
• I resolve to involve myself in a loving relationship that transcends the boundaries of time and space, and becomes a refuge in a world full of horribleness.
• I resolve to work super hard.
• I resolve to read books that challenge my current way of thinking, and aren’t just full of dick jokes.
• I resolve to make another list for 2012.

Sure?

Her brunch belongs in MoMA

The college-aged girl next to me at this diner is reading from a Kindle, drinking a cocktail with some sort of superfruit in it, and ordered an eggs benedict with arugula that’s drizzled with balsamic vinaigrette. It doesn’t look like brunch, it looks like a goddamn painting.

I’m reading an actual book, drinking a cup of coffee, and just ate an egg scramble with a layer of cheddar cheese on top so thick, I think I’m having a heart attack while I write this.

I am a dinosaur who doesn’t have a grey hair on his body. All hail the new generation.

Chattin' with Santa

Me: Hey Santa.
Santa: Hey Lee.
Me: So, will this be the year you finally stop by my house and give me presents?
Santa: Nope, I don't believe I will.
Me: Why's that?
Santa: Because you don't believe in Jesus.
Me: That's a technicality! Certainly you drop off presents at people's homes who don't believe in Jesus.
Santa: Not true! I only drop off presents to people who believe. And if they don't, I kill them!
Me: WHAT?!
Santa: Yep! Off with their heads! Ho ho ho!
Me: That seems harsh.
Santa: Not compared to the Crusades.
Me: Damn, Santa. Do you think people are lying to you in order to get gifts?
Santa: Probably.
Me: Yeah, I'd lie to get that new Drake album. It's pretty good.
Santa: It sure is.
Me: You know he's Jewish, right?
Santa: No way.
Me: For real.
Santa: Crazy.
Me: I know.
Santa: Alright Lee, I better be going. Merry Christmas!
Me: Merry Christmas, Santa!

Dreams

A wise man told me, “If you can dream it, you can be it!” so I dreamt that my dad would come back home this Christmas, and move out of that motel he shares with his new Laotian girlfriend Akela, who is not nice to me.

When he didn’t, I dressed up in some of the old clothes he left in my mom’s house and started chainsmoking Marlboros. Dreams really do come true over the holidays!!!!

P.S. I HATE YOU AKELA!!!!!