Sharing Time!

Acting!

“I can cry on demand,” I whispered to the girl sitting next to me at the bar.

“I’ve noticed,” she said. “Because you’ve been crying for the past twenty minutes.”

“Only because I wanted to,” I replied, shifting around the empty glass in front of me. “It’s for a movie I’m in. I’m an actor.”

“Is the movie called Dude Who Tries To Work Up The Courage To Talk To Me For Twenty Minutes, But Instead Cries?”

“NO. It’s a new movie where me and Paul Walker from 2 Fast, 2 Furioso walk around shirtless on a beach, and it’s about him yearning to get abs as good as mine. It’s from the writer of New Year’s Eve and the director of New Year’s Eve’s Douche. Yes, he directed a commercial for Eve’s Douche, but it was really tastefully done, and super funny. And also, you don’t know that I’ve been trying to work up the courage!”

“I’m sorry. Do you normally order up 5 shots of Sex on the Beach and keep them untouched in front of you?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Jesus, you’re worse than I thought.”

“Uh oh, I feel a bad case of the sniffles coming on.”

If the story behind Hanukkah happened today

Judah Maccabee was all, “Hey guys, let’s get on twitter and see if other Jews will help us fight that enemy of ours!”

And the Jews were all retweeting the revolution and shit, though some other Jews were like, “The revolution is really on Facebook, bro.” And Judah was like, “REALLY? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? LITERALLY?” and a million other words that were fucking annoying, but everyone listened to him because he’s JUDAH, you know, and he’s a great warrior.

And then the Maccabees won and Judah was all, “It’s Hanukkah, bitches! We won! And we got a million retweets! And a million likes on Facebook and tumblr, and all is well!”

Then some Jews were like, “Oh shit, our iPhone 4S’s battery life lasted like 8 hours!”

And the Jews replied, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!” and then they celebrated and prayed to the Gods of money and youth.

Shit Jews Say

I was recently hired by the makers of the video “Shit Girls Say” to produce a video called “Shit Jews Say.” Here’s a sneak preview of some of the hilarious lines I’ve written for it!

• “Hi! Nice to see you!”
• “It’s cold out, isn’t it?”
• “Happy holidays!”
• “Are you feeling okay? I heard you were sick last week.”
• “That’s a nice hat!”
• “I’m rich because I own a bank, and am involved in a global conspiracy to keep all other races down!”

I can’t believe this guy is a first-time author. It doesn’t show. The plot has great twists and turns, the characters feel like real people, and when I finished reading a chapter, it would either leave me smiling or feeling like I’d just been punched in the gut. You can’t really ask more of a reading experience.

Recommended.

Getting my flu shot

Nurse: Would you like your flu shot in your right or left arm?
Me: I don't know, which one do most people get it in?
Nurse: Most people do their left arm.
Me: I'll do my right arm. I masturbate using my left hand.
Nurse: How about I just give you the shot in your brain? You don't use that at all.
Me: That would hurty.

Mother Teresa probably had him banned from heaven

“What fresh hell is this?”

          - Dorothy Parker, 1989

“What fresh hell is this?”

          - Christopher Hitchens, as he was being escorted there late last night

Couples yoga

I have a yoga DVD that I often flip on in the morning. I’ve done the routine hundreds of times. Sometimes even when I’m not doing it, I hear the woman from the DVD’s voice saying certain phrases, usually instructing me to do a pose or two. Here is a sampling of what played in my head just this morning:

• “Go into Utkatasana: chair pose!”
• “Put your hands together at the heart center into Namaste.”
• “Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
• “Imagine a river of energy and light flowing beneath you.”
• “It’s not because we don’t love you. We both still love you. Your father probably loves you less because he wants you to move in with me.”
• “Breathe with me!”
• “Your mother is controlling you. She’s turning you against me. Why can’t you see that?”
• “This pose should feel really good on the lower back.”
• “YOUR FATHER IS DRIVING ME UP A WALL! GET ME ANOTHER GLASS OF RED!”

Hmm, some of those lines seem to be from my parents very intense divorce back when I was a younger man. I’m not sure how they got in there.

This was my (unbelievable) (and free) dinner tonight in all of its high resolution glory. May the memory of it live forever on this blog. Amen.

Rye whiskey, Leopold’s Three Pins liqueur, bitters. Yes, yes, and yes. If you live in Denver or Boulder, get your ass to Oak at Fourteenth.

My audition for True Blood

Me: Hi, really glad to be here. Love the show.
Producer: Glad you're here. We saw the tape you sent in, and loved it. That scene where you bit the pretty woman on the neck! Wow. She looked so horrified! We almost want to bring your friend in to audition too.
Me: Oh, that wasn't a friend. She looked horrified because she was wondering why a grown man just bit her in the neck.
Producer: Interesting.
Me: The cops say it's assault, but if it's done for art, how can it be assault? It can't be art AND assault! That's not possible!
Producer: Look, maybe we should move on to something else. Can you take off your shirt? You know if you're doing this show, you're going to be naked at some point.
Me: Sure.
I take off my shirt.
Producer: Amazing.
Me: Really? I don't work out all that much.
Producer: No, it's amazing that your chest is able to curve inwards that much.
Me: Thanks.
Producer: You know, there's another HBO show I produce that you might be better for.
Me: Real Sex, am I right?
Producer: Yes! We're doing a sequel to our piece about men and their love doll life partners.
Me: You don't know that I have a love doll. I AM INSULTED.
Producer: ...
No one speaks.
Me: I'll bring Sheila in. She's chillin' in my trunk right now.