Sharing Time!

Looks aren't not everything

You ever catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window’s reflection and wonder, “how did I ever get laid looking like this?”

“Bill [Murray] got up in front of the audience of Gilda’s SNL peers [at her private memorial service] and said what we were all thinking but were too afraid to put into words. ‘Of course we all loved her,’ said Bill. ‘She was our Carol Burnett, our Lucille Ball. She was our own special genius. The more vulnerable she became, the more we adored her. And then one day - beyond the control of any of us - she met her Prince Charming. Suddenly she was out of our sphere. She was in Connecticut - with him.’ Here Bill paused for effect before uttering the words ‘Gene Wilder killed Gilda.’

What may now appear harsh in print was just the comic antidote we needed. It was the biggest laugh I’d ever heard. We laughed uproariously. We laughed until it hurt. We cried until it hurt. We’re still laughing. We’re still crying.”

- from Paul Shaffer’s memoir We’ll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives

I have no idea why I enjoyed this book. Seriously. I don’t think Paul is funny at all. But there was something about it. Maybe one day I’ll figure out what it was.

How to ask a girl on a date and get to eat lots of crab cakes

1. On Sunday night text her, “would you like to go to dinner thursday night?”
2. Wait five minutes.
3. When she does not respond within five minutes, assume your text did not go through. Text her the same message once every five minutes for the next hour to make sure she gets it.
4. Wait 12 hours.
5. When she does not respond within 12 hours, change your approach. Text her, “everybody’s gotta eat! dinner on thursday? if it goes well, let’s have a monogamous, exclusive relationship!” Girls love monogamous relationships.
6. Wait five minutes.
7. When she does not respond within five minutes, assume that she wants to keep it casual. Text her, “let’s meet for lunch and then practice monogamy for the rest of our lives together!”
8. Wait 12 hours.
9. When she does not respond within 12 hours (the previous twelve hours and ten minutes don’t count because I see the glass half-full) text her, “don’t be afraid of love. let’s go to breakfast and later eat some crab cakes and perhaps after that make monogamous love on your sofa-bed.”
10. When she texts back, “leave me alone” don’t take it personally. Maybe she doesn’t like crab cakes. And now you don’t have to share them.

How David Spade was convinced to do the DirecTV commercial

Ad executive: So, David. Love your work. We want to put you in one of those commercials where it looks like it's just a clip from a movie, but then you talk about DirecTV. All the big stars are doing it: Craig T. Nelson, Chevy Chase, King Kong.
Spade: Yeah, those commercials are funny. Let's do it. So which one of my awesome movies will you be using? Joe Dirt? Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star? The Emperor's New Groove 2: Kronk's New Groove?
Ad executive: Actually, David... Tommy Boy.
Spade: I don't like where this is going. A scene with just me in it though, right?
Ad executive: That's not what we were thinking. We want to use the "fat guy in a little coat" scene with Farley.
Spade: Nonononononononono. That's fucked up, man. I'm hanging up.
Ad executive: We'll give you a million dollars.
Spade: And free DirecTV?
Ad executive: Done.
(via sharingtime)

This catalog is useful if you have a girlfriend or don’t.

If you do: you can buy her pretty lingerie as a holiday present.

If you don’t: you can buy your collection of teddy bears pretty lingerie; teddy bears you have named after all your ex-girlfriends and that you’ve never told anyone about. Not even your therapist. But they make you happy, happier than any woman could because they are made of soft fabric and aren’t lying, cheating whores named Lindsay.

I wish Tyler Hansbrough would find my dog and then release it so it runs towards me.

Sad news, guys. 99.99% of our Nation's rappers are currently in jail on gun charges. Only Will Smith and MC Skat Kat remain free.

A vegan in a Hummer has a lighter carbon footprint than a meat-eater in a Prius.

— 

Michael Pollan (via @nichcarlson) (via soupsoup)

Wow. I’m not vegan (or even vegetarian), but this is definitely making me think about it very seriously.

(via nutritionista)

I know! I’m running to the Hummer dealership right now and grilling up a huge steak tonight and then giving the finger to everyone I see in a Prius.

Wait, that’s not right. I’m going to eat a cow and then drive a Prius to the Hummer dealership and then I’m going to only drink rice milk for a week.

And then I’ll drive a Hummer on a Prius. Only then will the world be safe!

“I, Bill Hoffman Sr., am holding the blueprints. Not Jr. Everyone who sees this picture will see me holding the blueprints. I built this company. Bill Hoffman Jr. will never get to feel the power of having blueprints.”

“I want to hold the blueprints. I will cross my arms and look like I don’t want to hold the blueprints.”

“He can move me into a nursing home, but dagnabbit I will be holding onto these doggone blueprints until the day I die. From my cold, dead hands Bill Hoffman Jr.”

“I never wanted those blueprints. Why do I feel like I need them? Maybe I will buy random blueprints online and roll around naked in a bed with them. That could be fun.”

“If they serve JELL-O at the home, I think I’ll be ok. One hand on the spoon, one hand on my blueprints.”

“I will cut a hole in the blueprints and have my way with them.”