Sharing Time!

I can’t believe this guy is a first-time author. It doesn’t show. The plot has great twists and turns, the characters feel like real people, and when I finished reading a chapter, it would either leave me smiling or feeling like I’d just been punched in the gut. You can’t really ask more of a reading experience.

Recommended.

Getting my flu shot

Nurse: Would you like your flu shot in your right or left arm?
Me: I don't know, which one do most people get it in?
Nurse: Most people do their left arm.
Me: I'll do my right arm. I masturbate using my left hand.
Nurse: How about I just give you the shot in your brain? You don't use that at all.
Me: That would hurty.

Mother Teresa probably had him banned from heaven

“What fresh hell is this?”

          - Dorothy Parker, 1989

“What fresh hell is this?”

          - Christopher Hitchens, as he was being escorted there late last night

Couples yoga

I have a yoga DVD that I often flip on in the morning. I’ve done the routine hundreds of times. Sometimes even when I’m not doing it, I hear the woman from the DVD’s voice saying certain phrases, usually instructing me to do a pose or two. Here is a sampling of what played in my head just this morning:

• “Go into Utkatasana: chair pose!”
• “Put your hands together at the heart center into Namaste.”
• “Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
• “Imagine a river of energy and light flowing beneath you.”
• “It’s not because we don’t love you. We both still love you. Your father probably loves you less because he wants you to move in with me.”
• “Breathe with me!”
• “Your mother is controlling you. She’s turning you against me. Why can’t you see that?”
• “This pose should feel really good on the lower back.”
• “YOUR FATHER IS DRIVING ME UP A WALL! GET ME ANOTHER GLASS OF RED!”

Hmm, some of those lines seem to be from my parents very intense divorce back when I was a younger man. I’m not sure how they got in there.

This was my (unbelievable) (and free) dinner tonight in all of its high resolution glory. May the memory of it live forever on this blog. Amen.

Rye whiskey, Leopold’s Three Pins liqueur, bitters. Yes, yes, and yes. If you live in Denver or Boulder, get your ass to Oak at Fourteenth.

My audition for True Blood

Me: Hi, really glad to be here. Love the show.
Producer: Glad you're here. We saw the tape you sent in, and loved it. That scene where you bit the pretty woman on the neck! Wow. She looked so horrified! We almost want to bring your friend in to audition too.
Me: Oh, that wasn't a friend. She looked horrified because she was wondering why a grown man just bit her in the neck.
Producer: Interesting.
Me: The cops say it's assault, but if it's done for art, how can it be assault? It can't be art AND assault! That's not possible!
Producer: Look, maybe we should move on to something else. Can you take off your shirt? You know if you're doing this show, you're going to be naked at some point.
Me: Sure.
I take off my shirt.
Producer: Amazing.
Me: Really? I don't work out all that much.
Producer: No, it's amazing that your chest is able to curve inwards that much.
Me: Thanks.
Producer: You know, there's another HBO show I produce that you might be better for.
Me: Real Sex, am I right?
Producer: Yes! We're doing a sequel to our piece about men and their love doll life partners.
Me: You don't know that I have a love doll. I AM INSULTED.
Producer: ...
No one speaks.
Me: I'll bring Sheila in. She's chillin' in my trunk right now.

Happy anniversary, baby!

SCENE: 6 AM, a young woman's bedroom.
Me: Happy anniversary, baby!
Her: How did you get into my apartment?
Me: Don't get the mace out yet! Your roommate let me in.
Her: I live alone.
Me: Hmm. Your dog?
Her: Right. Didn't we go on one date, like, six months ago? What is this the anniversary of?
Me: Of the day I knew you were never going to call me again.
Her: So the day we met?
Me: Yep!
Her: Cool. Can you not break into my apartment again? It's pretty creepy.
Me: Yeah, sure. I just thought it would be a fun surprise!
Her: It's a little surprising I haven't maced you yet.
Me: You know what? I'm going to save you the trouble and just mace myself.
Her: You don't have to do that. You can just lea...
I begin macing myself.
Me: This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Her: I don't doubt that.

Today in aphorisms

The people who say you should never dip your pen in the company ink have probably never stuck their penis in a large vat of ink. If they had, they’d know it feels really good regardless of whether or not your company owns it.

Birth announcements of the future

“JaydeJones.com was born today (everyone’s name is now also a URL), August 23rd, 2074. Doctors say she is perfectly healthy. She has only a few DNA hiccups that’ll make her susceptible to mental illness towards the end of her life. While she’s living, she’ll make a fantastic cashier at one of Walmart’s many branches (every street corner in 2074 has a Walmart).

She’s expected to birth three children, who will all be smarter than her, praise Tebow (Tebow went on to win an unbroken string of 63 straight Super Bowls and replace Jesus as America’s preferred religious leader)! Her total monetary drain on society will amount to $367,012 Newts (our form of currency in 2074 is named after former President Newt Gingrich), mostly taken in the form of government-funded elective boob surgery (America has nothing left in 2074 but her good looks, so the government decided to bankroll boob jobs).

She’ll die on November 4, 2199 (everyone in America lives for 100+ years, and for the last 50 years of your life, you’re kept on life support so that America’s pharmaceutical companies can make money pumping their awesome drugs into you). It’ll be a good life, we can just tell.”