Prescription filled by Dr. Feelgood
Living in a small town, I run into people I know all the time. This morning it was the very nice young woman who works at my local coffeeshop. She was in front of Pharmaca, which is like Rite Aid, but only white people go there and it’s triple the price. She looked harried.
“Hey!” I said. “Hey Lee,” she said. “Umm, what’s up?”
“Nothing! Whatcha doing?”
“I was just as Pharmaca,” she said worriedly.
“Oh cool. Probably just buying vitamins, am I right? Gotta stay healthy and all.”
“No. Not vitamins.” She looked like a rat who knew it was about to be stabbed with a needle full of AIDS.
“Not vitamins?! Ha, you’re probably here to get some vagina medicine then, am I right?”
“Yes,” she said. “I am.”
She pulled out a tube of something from her purse. Sure enough, it very clearly said VAGINA MEDICINE on it. Man, I know people buy generics, but that seems like a bit much.
Then her boyfriend walked out of Pharmaca.
“Who’s this?” he asked her. Her boyfriend is visibly tattooed and looks like he hasn’t missed a steroid injection in a while.
“Hey, I’m Lee! Just was talking to your girlfriend about what she was buying at Pharmaca. What’d you get?” I asked him.
“Umm, nothing.”
“Vitamins, I bet! A strong guy like you? C’mon, you’re holding a Pharmaca bag for chrissake. Certainly vitamins.”
“It’s none of your fucking business, bro,” he said.
“Cool, cool.”
I snatched the bag from his hands and dumped the contents on the sidewalk.
“Yo, what the fuck?!”
And there it was. A tube with the words PENIS MEDICINE on the front. There was no denying it.
“I’m just glad you kids are staying safe,” I said. “But you know what the safest way to be sexually active is? Abstinence.”
I pulled out a similar looking tube from my bag. It clearly said ABSTINENCE MEDICINE. The tube was empty.
“First of all, you’re not sexually active if you’re abstinent,” he said. “And secondly, why do you carry around a tube that says ABSTINENCE MEDICINE on it? That doesn’t even make sense.”
I nodded at him. He had learned his lesson.
