Hitting on a waitress
I can never tell if waitresses are flirting with me or if they just want a big tip. But this waitress seemed especially flirty. So I asked just as I was about to leave.
Me: Hey, were you flirting with me, or were you just trying to get a big tip?
Waitress: No.
Me: No to what?
Waitress: To flirting with you. Ugh, I feel so gross right now. You know what? I can't do this anymore.
She picked up a half-eaten pancake from my plate and began to stab herself in the neck with it. It didn't seem to be having the desired effect.
Me: Umm, what is happening right now?
Other Waitress: What did you say to her?
Me: I asked her if she was flirting with me.
Other Waitress: Oh, Jesus Christ! This is too much to take. I'll see you on the other side, Rachel!
The other waitress poured a half-full glass of orange juice over her head, in an attempt to drown herself. Mostly she just got pulp on her face.
Me: What the fuck is happening with the waitresses here?!
The chef burst out of the back of the kitchen.
Chef: I heard the commotion! Is everything ok?
Me: Not really. I flirted with my first waitress, who tried to kill herself with the remains of my brunch. And then I told another waitress, and she did the same thing. You guys really hired some unstable waitresses.
I looked on the floor. Both waitresses were dead.
Me: Holy shit! They're dead!
Chef: Yes. Yes, they are. It's just another morning here at Murder, She Toast.
Me: That's the name of this place?
Chef: Yes.
I tied a noose with one of the potato strings from my hash browns and hung it from the ceiling.
