Gotta stay fly
I tried writing something last night that wasn’t for my job. It was 1 AM and I should have been asleep, but I needed some release, I guess. It may or may not be entertaining.
——
I was sitting in a cafe yesterday, trying to write a punchline, when I noticed a black fly in the upper left hand corner of my pristine white Macbook. It was hard to miss.
The fly was not flying around, as its name might suggest. It sat there, rubbing its tiny legs together. I sat there mesmerized. I’m not sure I’d had the patience to watch a fly do that before, but as I’ve learned when much of my day is spent trying to come up with jokes that no one will ever read (welcome to the editorial process, newbie), you’ll take your distractions when you can get them.
My brain finally settled on a reaction to the fly rubbing its legs. To give you an idea of how incredibly smart I am, this is the unvarnished thought. I can’t even try to dress it up.
“Dumb fly,” I thought. “Just sitting there rubbing its legs together. Stupid fly.”
I looked down to resume typing and noticed my hands were busy with each other. I was rubbing my hands together. I was no better than the fly I had just derided. The fly and I probably share some DNA.
Well, guess what, fly? I might be like you in some ways, but I still can write jokes and you can’t, you dirty son of a bitch!
Let’s see you try to write a hilarious joke about Jurassic Park for this awesome piece that’s gonna run Friday!
Hmm. Ok, here we go. Here’s the joke!
(ten minutes later)
Aaaaaaand… ummm. C’mon brain. Nope. Nothing.
(ten minutes later)
Ok, it’s funny because they’re extinct and we’re not and something about the velociraptor in an industrial kitchen scene. With the kids! YES! That’s funny! Kitchens are not a place that dinosaurs belong! YES! YESSSSSSSSS. Let’s write the shit out of that.
(ten minutes later)
Yeah, this whole kitchen and velociraptor thing is not fucking funny at all. Something about blenders?
(ten minutes later)
I should really give up on this line of thinking. Nope, let’s keep working. What do you do in a kitchen?
(ten minutes later)
I’m getting close. Oh, I know! Cooking! Because of the kitchen thing!
(ten minutes later)
I am the dumbest man on the planet. I just spent forty minutes on nothing. There’s nothing there. But maybe something about how the kitchen is silver and shiny.
(ten minutes later)
How has it been another ten minutes? I have not had a single idea. Wait, what about blenders! I feel like I had this thought before.
(ten minutes later)
I wonder if the fly has any ideas.
