Coming home for Thanksgiving
I knock on the door of my childhood home.
Me: Hey mom! Hey dad!
Dad opens door.
Dad: I told you never to come back here.
Mom: You're dead to me.
Me: I brought the stuffing!
Dad: I should stuff you in the trunk and drive you off a goddamn cliff.
Mom: I wouldn't stop your father. You'd get what you deserve.
Me: So you guys found my tumblr, I guess?
Dad: You're an embarrassment to the family.
Mom: You should be banned from the internet.
Ex-girlfriend: I'm sorry I ever slept with you.
Me: What're you doing here?
Ex-girlfriend: Your parents invited me because they wanted to get tips on how best to eject you from their lives.
Dad: She's nice. No wonder she dumped you.
Me: Looks like it'll be another Thanksgiving dinner alone at Denny's.
