On being right
I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in a while, and I couldn’t tell if she’d gained some weight or was pregnant. There was only one way to find out without making things awkward: trick her into being briefly attracted to me, have sex with her, and use a condom riddled with tiny holes.
So that’s what I did, and then I waited. Two months later, I called her.
“Hey. Are you pregnant?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“Is it mine?”
“Yes,” she replied.
“I knew it!” I exclaimed. “I knew you weren’t pregnant back then! I could feel it! It’s so good being right!”
“So, what’re we gonna do about this baby?”
“I think you’re just overweight.”
“No, I’m pregnant. Remember? I took a test and everything.”
“Pretty sure you need to lose some weight! Ok bye!”
