My audition for TLC's show "Virgin Diaries"
Me: Hi, I'm Lee from Colorado. I'm here to audition for the new show "Super Cool Dudes Who Get Laid Like A BOSS Like All The Time."
Producer: Hi Lee. Tell us how you feel about being a virgin.
Me: Virgin? Huh? No, I'm not a virgin. I thought I was here for that show about dudes who get laid a lot.
Producer: Lee, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. We spoke to your mom and she recommended you for the show. She said that there's no way a woman has a low enough self-image to, as she put it, "let my son storm her sands of Normandy."
Me: Yeah, that's my mom alright. She's really into WWII-based metaphors.
Producer: Is that not true?
Me: It is, I'm just saddened she would throw me under the bus like that.
Producer: So tell us, Lee. What's it like to be a virgin?
Me: It's not bad. I don't really know what I'm missing. I just don't get why I haven't been laid yet.
Producer: Ok. Tell us how you normally approach women in a bar.
Me: I'm usually like, "Whattup baybee?"
Producer: And what does she say?
Me: She tries to commit a crime so that she can be locked in a woman's prison and never have to encounter me again.
Producer: And how does that make you feel?
Me: It sucks. Because then I usually get asked to leave the halfway house.
Producer: We've got our next star, people!
