Birth announcements of the future
“JaydeJones.com was born today (everyone’s name is now also a URL), August 23rd, 2074. Doctors say she is perfectly healthy. She has only a few DNA hiccups that’ll make her susceptible to mental illness towards the end of her life. While she’s living, she’ll make a fantastic cashier at one of Walmart’s many branches (every street corner in 2074 has a Walmart).
She’s expected to birth three children, who will all be smarter than her, praise Tebow (Tebow went on to win an unbroken string of 63 straight Super Bowls and replace Jesus as America’s preferred religious leader)! Her total monetary drain on society will amount to $367,012 Newts (our form of currency in 2074 is named after former President Newt Gingrich), mostly taken in the form of government-funded elective boob surgery (America has nothing left in 2074 but her good looks, so the government decided to bankroll boob jobs).
She’ll die on November 4, 2199 (everyone in America lives for 100+ years, and for the last 50 years of your life, you’re kept on life support so that America’s pharmaceutical companies can make money pumping their awesome drugs into you). It’ll be a good life, we can just tell.”
