My audition for True Blood
Me: Hi, really glad to be here. Love the show.
Producer: Glad you're here. We saw the tape you sent in, and loved it. That scene where you bit the pretty woman on the neck! Wow. She looked so horrified! We almost want to bring your friend in to audition too.
Me: Oh, that wasn't a friend. She looked horrified because she was wondering why a grown man just bit her in the neck.
Producer: Interesting.
Me: The cops say it's assault, but if it's done for art, how can it be assault? It can't be art AND assault! That's not possible!
Producer: Look, maybe we should move on to something else. Can you take off your shirt? You know if you're doing this show, you're going to be naked at some point.
Me: Sure.
I take off my shirt.
Producer: Amazing.
Me: Really? I don't work out all that much.
Producer: No, it's amazing that your chest is able to curve inwards that much.
Me: Thanks.
Producer: You know, there's another HBO show I produce that you might be better for.
Me: Real Sex, am I right?
Producer: Yes! We're doing a sequel to our piece about men and their love doll life partners.
Me: You don't know that I have a love doll. I AM INSULTED.
Producer: ...
No one speaks.
Me: I'll bring Sheila in. She's chillin' in my trunk right now.
