IT’S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!!
Subject: IT’S JUICE CLEANSE TIME, LADIES!!!
To: Homegurl 1, Homegurl 2, Homegurl 3, Homegurl 4
LADIEZZZZZ!!! I don’t normally email all of you all at once, but y’all are my BFFs and I want to make sure to keep you in the loop on this shiz (LUV U GUISE). But I’ve got big news: I’m DOING MY FIRST JUICE CLEANSE THIS WEEK!!!! Yes, it’s also the week that Charles is out of town, but I didn’t want him to see me running to the bathroom like forty-seven times a day…ugh, could you even imagine?
Anywhoozle, I need your support. I’m going to drink nothing but agave, lemon, and spinach for the next week. This means I need you to NOT MENTION anything about food to me. Do not tell me about the hamburger you had for lunch. Do not talk about your homemade pot roast. DO NOT EVEN MENTION JON HAMM. His name is like a food and I will want to claw your face off for a piece.
Finally, I know some of y’all (KAREN) believe that a weeklong juice cleanse is not a substitute for healthy living, and I want to address that with a simple, “FUCK YOU KAREN.” I love you and all, but 2012 will finally be the year I take care of myself.
Oh, and when I’m done this cleanse?
WE ARE GONNA PARTY LIKE FUCKING ANIMALS!!!!
