Serious issues
I hear my phone ring. I pick it up.
Me: Yes?
Capital One Account Fraud Rep: Yes, am I speaking to the Capital One accountholder at this number?
Me: Yes.
COAFR: Sir, have you noticed any fraudulent activity on your account?
Me: No, I don't believe so.
COAFR: Did you not change your password seven times today, sir?
Me: Oh, yes, that was me.
COAFR: Can I ask why you did that?
Me: No one emails me anymore.
COAFR: I'm sorry?
Me: If it weren't for your emails, no one would email me at all.
COAFR: I see.
Me: I'm lonely. I eat all my meals alone. I watch TV alone. I bathe alone.
COAFR: You bathe alone?
Me: Yeah, don't people who aren't lonely bathe with other people?
COAFR: I don't know how to reply to that. Do you not have friends?
Me: I bought a second iPhone so I could play Words With Friends against myself.
COAFR: Wow. Ok, back to this email issue.
Me: Look, I know when I reply that it's to an unmonitored account, so it feels good to write what's on my mind. Those "Your Password Has Been Changed" emails are much cheaper than therapy.
COAFR: Sir, our Change Password feature cannot be abused like that. I ask that you please not change your password so frequently for the sole purpose of the email you receive in return.
Me: I haven't had sex in seven years.
COAFR: Ok, we'll make an exception for you, sir.
Me: I really like talking to you! By the way, those commercials you have with Jimmy Fallon are hilarious!
*click*
Me: Are you there?
*dialtone*
Me: Anyways, Alec Baldwin is funny in them too. You should hire the rest of NBC's lineup to do your commercials. Have you considered hiring The Voice from NBC's The Voice?
